PAR

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The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men
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1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed
to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.
tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is
analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of
course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting
on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you
are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which
most likely is one of the following: a. "Football." b. "Golf." c. "How
fat you are." d. "How I would spend the insurance money if you died."

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!"


Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "Yes!" or, if you
feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include: a. "Oh yeah, sh*tloads." b. "Would it
make you feel better if I said yes?" c. "That depends on what you mean
by love." d. "Does it matter?" e. "Who, me?"


Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of
course not!"

Incorrect answers are: a. "Compared to what?" b. "I wouldn't call you
fat, but you're not exactly thin." c. "A little extra weight looks good
on you." d. "I've seen fatter." e. "Sorry, what did you say? I was just
thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died."


Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper
response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include: a. "Yes, but you have a better
personality." b. "Not prettier, but definitely thinner." c. "Not as
pretty as you when you were her age." d. "Define pretty." e. "Sorry what
did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance
money if you died."


Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of
follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)
Man: (audible groan)
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed.
Woman: (silence)
Man: She's left-handed....
Woman: (silence)
Man: Sh*t.