GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum - View Single Post - Long Term Girlfriend -- Is it Fair?

G Sharp · 02-16-2003, 01:26 PM

Here's a little break from the usual webmaster shop talk at GFY. A little "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" snack food for thought

I and a friend had a pretty heated argument recently. He's been dating the same girl for about 7 years and she just turned 29 last year. She's been gently raising the issue of "what's next?" [To those playing the home version of this thread...read: MARRIAGE] in their relationship.

My friend told me that he, currently, has no intention of marrying her. But since he may change his mind later and, not to foreclose on that "option," he is thinking of asking her to live with him. He tells me he is unsure of marriage at this point in his life, he just turned 31, because he just finished graduate school, finishing up his 3rd year in a good consulting firm, just bought a BMW X-5, [add generic Latino yuppie concerns here

] and it would be "unfair" to himself to get married when he is just "beginning to live."

He asked me in good faith what I thought about his "open option" plan of asking his girlfriend to move in with him. I told him...in good faith, and without judging him too hard [then again, life is one hard judgment--there are just gradations between "harmful" judgment and "helpful" judgment--often based on intention] that he was being SELFISH. It seems obvious that for the issue of MARRIAGE to even come up, that
his girlfriend is thinking about COMMITMENT and the long term prospects of their relationship. This is obviously very different from his priorities which is to ENJOY his bachelorhood albeit with the "safety net" of a girlfriend on the side. There's NO problem with both priorities--there IS A PROBLEM if they are being forced to coexist in an uneasy solution of cohabitation because they DO NOT SHARE THE SAME VALUES. My buddy it was a good deal, but I told him...look at it from her perspective--there's no guarantee you would get married or even get engaged, why string her along and burn up another 7 Years of her life waiting for your values to change.

One of the cores of a good, lasting, and stable relationship is the UNITY of values. Unfortunately, there's none here and "shacking up" only serves my friend's interests not his girlfriends' [since he knows or has reason to know she is looking to get married]. He asked me, is this SELFISH? Is this Immature? Why does everything have to lead to COMMITMENT?

My argument was that it doesn't have to lead to commitment AS LONG AS both the players know and operate from the same rules. Unfortunately, he has his own rulebook and apparently she has a different version. Thinking that cohabitation is a "fair" solution when you have reason to know that the other person is looking for commitment doesn't "smell right."

What are your thoughts?

Here's some background reading:
http://www.nationalreview.com/interr...tory021403.asp

02-16-2003, 01:26 PM
G Sharp So Fucking Banned Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 1,343	Long Term Girlfriend -- Is it Fair? Here's a little break from the usual webmaster shop talk at GFY. A little "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" snack food for thought I and a friend had a pretty heated argument recently. He's been dating the same girl for about 7 years and she just turned 29 last year. She's been gently raising the issue of "what's next?" [To those playing the home version of this thread...read: MARRIAGE] in their relationship. My friend told me that he, currently, has no intention of marrying her. But since he may change his mind later and, not to foreclose on that "option," he is thinking of asking her to live with him. He tells me he is unsure of marriage at this point in his life, he just turned 31, because he just finished graduate school, finishing up his 3rd year in a good consulting firm, just bought a BMW X-5, [add generic Latino yuppie concerns here ] and it would be "unfair" to himself to get married when he is just "beginning to live." He asked me in good faith what I thought about his "open option" plan of asking his girlfriend to move in with him. I told him...in good faith, and without judging him too hard [then again, life is one hard judgment--there are just gradations between "harmful" judgment and "helpful" judgment--often based on intention] that he was being SELFISH. It seems obvious that for the issue of MARRIAGE to even come up, that his girlfriend is thinking about COMMITMENT and the long term prospects of their relationship. This is obviously very different from his priorities which is to ENJOY his bachelorhood albeit with the "safety net" of a girlfriend on the side. There's NO problem with both priorities--there IS A PROBLEM if they are being forced to coexist in an uneasy solution of cohabitation because they DO NOT SHARE THE SAME VALUES. My buddy it was a good deal, but I told him...look at it from her perspective--there's no guarantee you would get married or even get engaged, why string her along and burn up another 7 Years of her life waiting for your values to change. One of the cores of a good, lasting, and stable relationship is the UNITY of values. Unfortunately, there's none here and "shacking up" only serves my friend's interests not his girlfriends' [since he knows or has reason to know she is looking to get married]. He asked me, is this SELFISH? Is this Immature? Why does everything have to lead to COMMITMENT? My argument was that it doesn't have to lead to commitment AS LONG AS both the players know and operate from the same rules. Unfortunately, he has his own rulebook and apparently she has a different version. Thinking that cohabitation is a "fair" solution when you have reason to know that the other person is looking for commitment doesn't "smell right." What are your thoughts? Here's some background reading: http://www.nationalreview.com/interr...tory021403.asp