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Originally Posted by fartfly
$this-> ... is retarded? ... so OOP is wasting your time? 
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Incorrect. The syntax is cumbersome. I'm not talking about OOP. There's no reason why you can't just use the variable name. If it's not local $this-> should be implied.
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"Why do I need to stick a $ in front of all variables?" ... perl is not much different
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This is true. But Perl is the only other language that seems like it has a common install base. Something I'll deal with if Perl is indeed the best option. Every language has it quirks and annoyances. Some more than others.
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"Functions are second-rate citizens in PHP" ? ... huh?
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Study lambda calculus, LISP, Ruby or any functional language. You will have a better idea of what this means.
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"It's just a pain to do a lot of things." ... sounds like you're just having a bad day and you're just working harder and not smarter ... Welcome to the wonderful world of programming.
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Incorrect. Some languages are more powerful to use than others. Just like assembly takes more effort that a higher level language can do much easier. PHP is a very limited language in what it allows you to do. Sure, it's Turing complete so that means you can technically do anything, but that's not the point. It's about the amount of effort that needs to be expended. You can spend 10 hours doing something that may only take an hour in another language. Also, some things might be able to be dynamic, while PHP only lets you do them statically.