I don't really feel like getting into a debate and trying to argue over how php should be, but i will say this, i don't think it's so much that php can't do what you want, or it's limited (and i do feel it's whack for you to hate php cuz your too lazy to use $ and $this, etc..), but it's more a matter of you not accepting the fact it's not LISP, or ruby, etc.. it's PHP, if you use it like it's intended, it's an EXTREMELY powerful and flexible language (especially as far as script goes), and i do wish we could use the return values straight from the function calls, ala getArray()[0], but that's hardly a reason to condemn any language.
In response to your original question tho, i doubt you'd like perl too much and as others have said, the day of perl and high traffic websites are pretty much over. I'd say stick w/ ruby (and rails), or maybe pick up python, you might like the way it is over php and it's a pretty righteous language in itself.
Just saw the question of the deployment of python. I doubt python support in web servers is all that common, if your dealing w/ john q. public on shared hosting, etc.. Your pretty much fucked buddy, get over your fear of the extra typing and embrace php, use it like it's supposed to, love it, and it loves you back
