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Its official guys, you continue to make these mistakes time and time again.....will you ever learn?! Its ok, we are on hand to inform you of your weaknesses so that you can prevent them from ever happening again- thus becomming the perfect lover!
Girls......feel free to add your own, the boys need all the help they can get
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1.No matter how skinny we are, NEVER feel our back-fat whilst making love
2.Do NOT lean on our hair
3.Be careful with the nipples
4.Don?t ever feel our legs because there is a chance we haven?t shaved them and we will be VERY aware of that fact
5.Fanny farts are your fault, not ours
6.But it helps if you laugh afterwards because then we don?t feel so embarrassed
7.In the morning, do us a favour and leave the room for a couple of minutes because no matter how sexy we look naked or how much we need the toilet we will be very conscious about getting out of the bed in front of you
8.Don?t sweat so much!
9.Phrases such as ?you drive me nuts? and ?fuck fuck fuck? are banned
10.Do not rip our underwear off ? chances are we spent about 3 hours trying to decide which underwear to wear and we would really appreciate it if you noticed. Perhaps a ?that underwear looks really sexy? would be good
11.Our private areas are to be treated with respect, you are in no means allowed to treat it like it is your last meal
12.Some girls just dont like morning sex (but some do)....so if you are getting the signs that she is up for it then fair play, but it should be quite blatantly obvious when morning sex is not on the cards - so pack it in and go and put the kettle on
13.?.and please don?t attempt to try and do stupid positions like wrapping our legs around our head first thing in the morning cause we are still pretty stiff
14.The key is to kiss our neck, not eat our ears?.
15.?.and don?t kiss the same place for ages cause it get pretty boring
16.Feet are a no go area
17.What gives you the right to think you can go anywhere near our arse for the first 10 times we have sex??
18.?.but don?t be surprised if we go near yours (cause you know you love it)
19.Don?t push our heads down when you want head, cause the chances are we will get pissed off and probably spit your load in your mouth
20.When we are on top, just lie there and enjoy?..don?t start thrusting because then we lose the rhythm and feel like we are about as crap as a virgin (and any chances of us enjoying it have just gone out of the window)
21.Candles and music are good, lights on is a big no no
22. A girl should shudder a bit after she has come (if she doesn?t, you have failed and she will be annoyed)
23.Cupping the face makes us feel special
24.Find out if she has any injuries, then you can reduce the risk of hurting her?..
25.??but pain is sometimes good, just in a certain way
26.If the covers start to fall off the bed, pull them back over as we will be very conscious of the fact that we are in full view
27.Don?t try and take our bra off unless you know for sure you can do it?.this leads to a highly embarrassing pause
28.Don?t try and pick us up, no matter how small we are we are at least 8 stone?.and if it is less then check ID immediately
29.Know your own strengths, if you are crap at certain things then don?t even go there
30.Don?t say thank you afterwards because then we feel like prostitutes
31.No turning your back on us after sex
32.No morning kisses (we will probably be fully aware of bad breath particularly if we have been smoking/drinking/giving head)
33.Turn round temporarily so that we can wipe the mascara shit out of our eyes
34.Foreplay is essential ? if you go straight in for the kill you a re likely to lose major points (and be gentle)
35.Always make sure there are tissues on hand
36.If you try and make us come too early we will not be interested in what?s to follow, but if you do it too late we will think you are crap?.timing is important
37.Taking memento?s is not big, not clever, we will notice and you will not be asked back again
38.For fucks sake tidy your room beforehand
39.The fact we are shagging you on the first night does not make us a whore, it just means we feel like we have to have sex with you in order to keep you
40.Be vocal! How are we supposed to know if we are doing it right......
41.If a girl says she is about to come, you are doing it TOTALLY wrong and she wants it to all be over. We say this because we know you will come in about 10 seconds.... (the same goes for when we suggest doing it doggy style)