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Well there you go Josh. I could have bet money that you have come close, known people who have tried, and you didn't do it. Maybe the harshness in your words comes from the fact that since you made it, you think everyone can. I can totally relate to that especially now.
I remember it didn't really "hit me" hard till about month 4 and 5 afterwards. One night I thought it would be a great idea to drink two bottles of wine and throw my entire bottle of xanex in the air and try to catch them in my mouth. Needless to say I ended up in the hospital and they gave me a shot and knocked me the hell out. I wasn't trying to kill myself. It was more like a traumatized, drunken temper tantrum. I really really wanted to "die" but I couldn't bring myself to do it. And from there I felt like a total coward cuz I COULDN'T do it. I know, it makes no sense. But instead, within that same month, I had a total meltdown and beat my face against a hardback grief book and showed up to thanksgiving dinner looking like a battered housewife.
For the rest of the first year, I had horrible panic attacks which came out of nowhere and made my chest tighten up and I couldn't breathe and I would cry and gasp. It was awful. I couldn't leave the house hardly except drive my car so I could scream and beat my dash. Then by month eleven my "wonderful" boyfriend would get on top of me and scream at me, shake me and once tried to choke me cuz I had a panic attack. But getting outta there and hiding in the woods the past 6 months has helped. Working again, napping alot, eating healthy and often has helped tremendously and I have not had a single panic attack. No meds at all either.
I do seem to be a magnet though now for those who have been there which is good and fine by me. Alot of people can't share those experiences of having total meltdown cuz it can be pretty embarassing to admit. Thanks Josh for retracting. You should have a listen to "Weight of the world". My car was literally disassembled on the inside from that one.
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