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Thank you! Oh! Thank you! I can hardly conjugate verbs! I feel so coked-up! And this statue - it's so suspiciously phallic! Oh, thank you again! I just want everyone to secretly suspect that even in my wildest fits of self-loathing, I never would have made daddy promise that this could ever help me get laid so much. And to the other closeted homosexual nominees, I want each of you to know how totally mega-pumped your plastic surgery makes me feel right now!
You know when they first told me I was not the mother, I just had to take an epidural and brag about how freakish my thighs have been. I guess it all just makes me feel kinda cheap.
You know, there are so many star-fucking Napoleon Complex-suffering studio execs to thank! First off though, I want to bitch slap the glorified prostitutes of the Academy, who looked deep within their cold, black hearts before giving me this fantastic award! Also, I want to thank Gilgamesh, for being such a powerful force in my loins. And to the hooker with the heart of gold, who taught me to take life by the fifth of bourbon. And finally, to all the illegitimate children I sired - I couldn't have done it without you!
Thank you America, and good night!
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