AssPirate

1. Never go to a bar that serves umbrellas in yout frink or colors your drink pink.

2. Never go to a bar that has a "Happy Hour". Nobody there ever is.

3. Never go to a bar where the bartender has more problems than you do.

4. Never go to a bar where you raise the average age of those inside by more than five years just by walking in.

5. Although the best pubs are Irish pubs, never go to one on St. Patty's Day. It's amateur night and a good time to get
a reservation at a Chinese restaurant.

6. Never go to a bar where there is more than one bouncer unless you're expecting the trouble they are.

7. Never go to a bar where they allow cellphones. A bar is a place of sanctity -- check your self-importance at the door.

8. Never go to a bar that doesn't ask you what brand you prefer but instead pours something called "Old Panther Piss" aged in the woods from the well underneath the counter.

9. Never go to a bar that doesn't allow cigar smoking. Tell anyone who complains, "If it wasn't for twenty cigars a day smoked by Winston Churchill, you'd be speaking German".

10. Never drive and drink. The world needs designated drivers -- and where would they be without designated drunks sitting in the backseat getting sick all over themselves? They'd be out of work, that's where.

(courtesy of the late lamented P.O.V. magazine)

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