Originally Posted by AssPirate

1. Never go to a bar that serves umbrellas in yout frink or colors your drink pink.

>> Umbrella's = gay... yes. So toss the thing out and while you're out it; and MEN: toss out the straw too after giving your drink a stir. Men (Hetero-sexual that is, gays excluded) Men - shouldn't suck anything from a straw in a bar. By the way, your margarita should be rocks not blended.

2. Never go to a bar that has a "Happy Hour". Nobody there ever is

>> I take exception to this rule. I'm pretty happy with 2-4-1's!

3. Never go to a bar where the bartender has more problems than you do.

>> Exception: If the bartender has a problem with taking your money, you should go there as often as possible. If the bartender has problems counting your change back correctly and over-changes you, visit frequently.

4. Never go to a bar where you raise the average age of those inside by more than five years just by walking in.

>> Fuck that! How are the young ladies going to get the experienced cockmanship they need?

5. Although the best pubs are Irish pubs, never go to one on St. Patty's Day. It's amateur night and a good time to get
a reservation at a Chinese restaurant.

>> Agree completely! Avoid all 'amateur hour' locales: Any, especially nice restaurants on V-day, Mother's Day, New Years Eve, etc.

6. Never go to a bar where there is more than one bouncer unless you're expecting the trouble they are.

>> Disagree: Bouncer's are your friends. After all, i'm not starting a fight, but someone else might. If it's a big place, I want some protection!

7. Never go to a bar where they allow cellphones. A bar is a place of sanctity -- check your self-importance at the door.

>> Sanctity? ok... there are bars, and there are clubs. Clubs, you must have a phone, otherwise, how will I get the digits of some 21 y/o hottie, and begin texting her to meet her after closing time? - Bars... sure, I can do without my phone, but really, the bars I hang out at from time to time, I want my phone handy in case I meet a babe and want to exchange numbers.

8. Never go to a bar that doesn't ask you what brand you prefer but instead pours something called "Old Panther Piss" aged in the woods from the well underneath the counter.

>> "Mat Shot's" for everyone!

9. Never go to a bar that doesn't allow cigar smoking. Tell anyone who complains, "If it wasn't for twenty cigars a day smoked by Winston Churchill, you'd be speaking German".

>> If there are any bars left that allow smoking - you should be able to huff your stogie - agreed.

10. Never drive and drink. The world needs designated drivers -- and where would they be without designated drunks sitting in the backseat getting sick all over themselves? They'd be out of work, that's where.



(courtesy of the late lamented P.O.V. magazine)