Buff

Might require a moderate attention span. Enjoy!


Background: Amid the chaos of the Israeli "occupation" of the West Bank, one little 8 year old boy struggles to survive. Little did he realize who his struggle for life would bring him into conflict with...

Setting: Buff and Jabar Muhammad are playing "jungle hunt" with a 3-legged mutt -- Jabar swats a piece of leather pulled over an old pot to simulate Zulu war drums, while Buff low crawls under the wreckage of urban warfare, sneaking up on the dog. The sun is setting...

[bop bop]
[bop bop]

Buff: There ya are you little fucker! Got ya! Yo, Jabby, this just ain't fun anymore -- not since meathead got his leg shot off.

Jabar: Yeah, this sucks. What's Ackmad doing? Let's chase his monkey ass around and pelt him with rocks...

Buff: Nah man, you didn't hear that shit? Acky got adopted by some fat chick from TGS* -- his ass gets to live in Jordan until he's 16!!! Can you believe that shit?

Jabar: Allah is great!

Buff: Yeah, if you say so.


[Buff's mom yells for him]


Buff: It's not even dark yet, what the fuck does she want now? I probably have to milk the damn goat again. Man fuck that goat -- you know, that thing likes to pretend like it's about squirt milk and then it pees on me! Last time it did that I smashed its ugly head with a fucking rock, but when mom found out why Kirumbuba was bleeding she beat my ass. I hate that fucking piss machine.

Jabar: Buff, you curse too much. My mom says Allah burns the tongues of little boys who...

Buff: Yeah yeah yeah, Jab -- look, I have to jet, whatever that means -- tell me about it tomorrow. Maybe we can find some big rats to chase.

Jabar: Allah is great! Goodbye, Buff!


[Buff trots home to see what his mom wants]


Mom: Allah is great! There you are, Buff! Come give your mother a hug!

[Buff grimaces and runs into Mom's open arms]

Buff: Not so hard, Mom -- my arm...

Mom: Buff, I love you so much, my baby. Do you know that your mother loves you?

Buff: And I love you too, Mom, but I was havin' fun with...

Mom: Buff, I have to talk to you about something very important.

Buff: Ok, Mom, but can it wait? It's going to be dark in 15 more...

Mom: Buff, it's important that you listen to me. Allah has something important planned for you! Allah is great!

Buff: Ummm ok...

Mom: Buff, you have been chosen by Allah! He has chosen you for a great work! Allah is great! My son, I am so proud of you!

Buff: Really? I knew this day would come. He must have seen me hit that rock into Arafat's compound with a piece of pipe! I'm going to play 3rd base for the New York Yankees!!

Mom: Hush, Buff. Listen to me. Allah has chosen you! Walk with me.

[Mom takes Buff by the hand into the other room of the adobe and opens a wooden chest with no lock on it]

Mom: My son, I have something for you.

[Mom takes out a vest rigged with explosives]

Mom: Buff, do you know what this is?

Buff: Yeah, why is that in the house? If that thing goes off...

Mom: It won't. Our demolitions have gotten better since Prince al Faisal started financi... but this is not a concern for you...

[Mom pats Buff on the head and stares into his eyes. Buff gets an uneasy feeling -- his "spider sense" starts tingling]

Buff: Ok, mom, that's nice. I'm gonna go grab...

Mom: Buff! Hush. I am talking to you! Obey your mother!

Buff: Sorry, Mom. I will listen.

[Mom smiles at Buff]

Mom: Allah has selected you, just as He (Allah is Great!) selected your father before you! You have been chosen. You have been chosen to carry the Fire of Allah to Satan and scorch him with it! Buff, do you understand? You have been chosen to burn the Snake! Oh, God is great -- the day is finally upon us! I have looked forward to this since you were conceived!

Buff: Mom, I don't understand...

Mom: My son, my only son, blessed, chosen son! You are to wear this Fire of Allah and burn The Snake!

Buff: You mean...

Mom: [chanting half to herself]: My son. My son.

Buff: Mom, you want me to WEAR that thing?

Mom: Buff, my little Buff. Yes. You will don this vest and walk into Shalim's House of Pizza on Judea Blvd. and detonate it during lunch...

Buff: What the...???

Mom: You will be a martyr for Allah and for Palestine!

Buff: Well, wait, mom, maybe I could just take it off when I get there and...

Mom: No, Buff! You must wear it so you can be consumed by the warmth of Allah's Love!

Buff: I thought you said fire...

Mom: Buff, will you do this for Allah? For me?

Buff: Are you fucking kidding me? You psycho fucking freak! You can take this vest and put it on that one-eyed milk-pisser out back! I hate that fucking animal. I'm not wearing...

Mom: Oh Buff! You're breaking your mother's heart! How could you?

Buff: Yeah look, you dingy wingnut bitch -- is this some kind of revenge against Dad because you think he's up there [points] banging 72 young virgins while you're down here with a sagging ass and no man? I'm outta here.

[Buff ducks under Mom's attempt to snatch him, and scampers out into the night]

[Exit stage left]



* The Great Satan