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Purveyor, Fine Asian Porn
Industry Role:
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 38,323
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A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and suddenly starts swinging the dog around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what do you think you're doing?"
The blind guy replies, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."
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An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night with his friends. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So then he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time but with the same result. He figured he should crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up again and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, ?So, you?ve been out drinking again have you?!??
?What makes you say that?? he asked, putting on an innocent look.
?The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.?
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A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, but the man still insists that he is Jesus.
Finally, the exasperated priest says, ?That is blasphemy, can you prove it??
"You have to buy me a drink if I do", says the drunk.
The priest agrees, and the drunk says, ?come with me.? They go inside the bar, and the bartender immediately shouts out, ?Jesus Christ, not you again??
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A Chinese guy walks into a bar.
The bartender is black.
Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, n*gger!"
The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.
The Chinese guy does the same thing again, "Gimmie a jigger, n*gger!"
The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.
The Chinese guy then says it again.
The black guy by now is royally pissed.
He yells, "You get back here! I'm going to do the same thing to you, and you can see how it feels."
The black guy storms out, and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.
The black guy walks in and yells, "Gimmie a drink, chink!"
The Chinese guys says,
"Sorry. We don't serve n*ggers here!"
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"
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A man walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Hey, you wanna hear a great Polish joke?"
"Listen, pal," the guy replies. "I'm Poland's kick-boxing champion. My two friends here are both world-ranked judo masters, and they're Polish, too. Now, you still want to tell that joke?"
"Nah," the man replies, "I don't feel like explaining it three times."
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This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. The bartender observes this and finally asks the wife, "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?"
"No, no, no, not really," the wife said earnestly, "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."
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A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that's how I got my name.
Well, what's your name?" she asks back.
The man thought about it a moment, and then replied, "Beertits".
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With a sheep under his arm, a drunk man walks into the bar and confronts his wife.
"I knew I would find you in here getting sloshed! This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.
The wife drunkenly looks up at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.
"You don't want to know," answers the bartender.
A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey."
"OK, I'll show you," says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, "You want to try it?"
"Hell, yeah," says the guy. "Just don't hit me that hard."
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Some quickie one-liners:
? A termite went in a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
? Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.
? A rabbi, a priest, a nun, a blonde, and a duck, all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"
ADG
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