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Breaking News:
United States Republicans and Democrats Unite In Laughter Over Iranian Missile Threat
Various levels of the U.S. government are publically speaking harshly of news of Iran's plans to place medium-range missiles in Venezuela. In theory, these arms would pose an immediate threat to U.S. shores, its offshore interests, and its southern allies. The reality, though, is somewhat different.
Long divided by an unstable economy - and long running wars in Afghanistan and Iraq - both the Senate and the House of Representatives could barely contain their laughter in the face of this new threat.
As the guffaws began to subside, Senator Bill Nelson (D - Florida) - wiping back tears - shouted, "What if those Iranian missiles have the capability of reaching the Gulf of Mexico? We've already had one tragedy there this year... " He then fell off his chair, overtaken by uncontrollable peals of laughter.
In response to Senator Nelson's statement, both the United States Senate and the House of Representatives - on a thirty second time delay - broke out in tears and started peeing their pants. The President's office could not be reached for comment.
In other news:
Brazil, Colombia, and Panama are really pissed off that their asshat neighbour is piling more shit on their plates, while Grenada and Puerto Rico just sighed quietly to themselves and shook their heads.
Meanwhile, Haiti is in a state of panic. A quote from Haitian Presidant Sean Penn, err, René Préval - secure in the knowledge that if anything goes wrong, it will go wrong in his country - just came across this desk.
"Fuck this shit, man. I'm outa here."
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