Every other fucking weekend I have some kid or some friend of a friends bday party to go to and I'm getting ANNOYED!!!
My whole weekend is SHOT because of stupid birthday parties. Let me give you some advice from the guy who is 31 with no kids and enjoys going out to the bars Friday and Saturday and looks forward to laying on the couch watching football on Sunday hung over as fuck and thinking "I cant believe I did that this weekend" and "I really wish I remember past 11pm on Saturday."
RULES!
1) Unless you are a blood relative, NEVER send out invites to your child's birthday party past the age of 1. No one enjoys going to these, they are annoying and I highly doubt your fucking kid who is turning 3 will know the difference if my hung over ass is there or not or even remember this event 6 months later.
2) If you are going to have a 1st birthday for your child, invite people WELL in advance. Dont send a facebook message to me 10 days before and remind me the day before about it. I only check fb when I take a shit, therefore never see invites.
3) If you are planning a birthday party for yourself...
STOP!!! This means you have NO friends and no one is going to want to go anyway, so stop the pain of asking people who are kind of friends with you and now feel bad if they dont go. If you had friends, they would plan a party.
4) When planning a party, DO FUCKING NOT have it over a holiday weekend, especially Halloween, New Years or in the month of March. Nothing pisses me off more when I get a birthday invite to some cousin of a friend, who my wife feels obligated to go to, that happens to be on FUCKING HALLOWEEN!!!! Halloween is the greatest time of the year, there is no other time when it is socially acceptable for girls to dress like whores. DONT RUIN IT FOR ME!!!!
5) If you must have a party for yourself, which means you ask someone to plan it (again, you have no friends) do NOT make it start at fucking 9pm on a Friday or Saturday night at some suit and tie restaurant in the middle of no where that it takes everyone an hour to drive to.
6) Party timelines:
6a) Childs birthday parties can start no earlier than noon and for no reason (unless there are strippers and/or a lot of hot girls) last past 6pm
6b) Adult parties can not start after 6pm and should have have "goes until 9pm-ish" on the invite.
* Unless they are at a bar where 80% of the invitees frequently visit and has a good crowd
6c) Dont expect a gift from me, or to your kids if I do not show up.
Lastly... 7) the ONLY party you are allowed to plan for yourself is a wedding or "I just won the lottery and giving all sorts of money and shit away" but keep those during the afternoon and do not exceed the 6pm limit.
