You're already at the top, but here's a bump anyway. No Ruby, javascript, or even PHP? Pascal anyone?
Since your skills are laughably below average for a webmaster, and your honesty makes me lulzy.... BUMP MUTHAFUCKAH.
P.S... Indian undercutters get the fuck in here! Peasants.
P.P.S... here's an oldie-but-goodie bonus music vid with WiredGuy in the lead male role.