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I really know how you feel, twice in the last four years I did the same, sobbed my eyes out and couldn't stay with them when the vet asked if I wanted to hold on to them while they were put down, I completely lost it. The first time, the male cat, was just short of 18, and I had to wait for a week while the tests came back, but it was horrid to see him deteriorate, his kidneys had gone, he couldn't climb on to the bed anymore, and had done that every day from the moment I got him. His sister lasted until she was nearly 22, I couldn't talk to the receptionist, just left a blank check and had to leave. To this day I still can't explain how I could cry so much, yet was okay when my parents died, and lots of close friends... I only reacted like this with my two cats.
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