This happens when you use a server that is setup to run php in a jailed environment. Php_exec if I remember correctly. That is bad. It is wordpress, not the DB that is bringing you down, but only because the server is not setup correctly.
In this configuration a new php is opened for every include. In wordpress that is about 50 just to see index page. So memory is used up with 4 or 5 people on the site. You need a new host. That one won't work.
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