^^^fuck yeah =)
gawd i am tired. work is taking me so much longer than it would usually, as the drugs (not the fun kind) cloud my brain and make me so sleepy. life is an uphill climb right now.
been REALLY trying to ration my painkillers from the drunk driver who thankfully was at slow speed so I 'only' flew 3 three feet or so after he jumped the curb before landing, but the pain is bad. fractured tibia and some stitches in the back of my head with a bump the size of an egg (I think, I don't eat eggs hence no familiarity with their size but I have seen them and think the size is prob comparable). luckily I can damage some brain cells and still be smart as fuck. all about the extent of the arsenal.
actually not kidding about that, when I woke up in the hospital I was VERY concerned about brain damage as I hit the pavement head-first. some road rash as well but none that affected my tattoos or my face. yes I was worried about that as well.
vanity for the win
The doc wanted to prescribe me an oxy opiate for the pain but "
absolutely, let's pile on to life problems" so fuck that. sticking to tylenol 3, as sparingly as I can
I have trouble eating at the best of times so on graval as well. while in physical and emotional pain really trying my best and my best right now is not ok nor acceptable to me.
weed does help, not with pain but just the panic of '
holy fuck wtf is happening to my life?'
all three make me feel so sleepy and cloudy. all I want to do is listen to music and pretend life doesn't exist but I can't, being an adult sucks in that regard.
I got a scrip for valium as well but haven't redeemed it, again not interested in developing an addiction to a substance that from an early age was my absolute fav drug along with lsd (actually wrote a poem at 14 to my 'little blue friend').
Been making some great, straight female friends in my building. I spend a lot of time outside as I don't want to be in a box working on a box. I love my apartment, just didn't move here to spend my time inside. Our courtyard is so peaceful and beautiful.
They keep asking me to go out, even with my cast. if I wear jeans you can't even see it as my legs are pretty thin and my tolerance for pain is very high so it just looks like I have a limp-no crutches or anything. just use my abs/core to center impact on the non-injured leg. but I can't deal with being hit on right now.
Men here are very respectful to me, but so soon after a breakup of an over 14 and a half year relationship with the only person I ever loved? not yet. any man (or woman) I would be attracted to for a real connection would be too intelligent for a one-nighter and I cannot deal with that.
had some delicious and no-strings attached (and very safe) sex a couple times one night after the breakup before the car accident but not ready to really create connections with anyone I don't already know.
I just hang out in my beautiful complex and stare at the sky and mountains when not working. I have a tv but have not bothered to hook it up, as that is not my thing.
Have every episode of Cosmos downloaded on my comp =)
so lots of thinking, prepping for work, and actual work. and talking with women who live here who have offered me a standing invite to go out dancing the moment I'm ready. they check on me every day, as does my Rasta cab dude. No pressure, just a "
you alright gyal or need anything?"
the kindness here is just..incredible. Jamaica is one love.
also thank you to the few amazing peeps on this site keeping me sane. that plus youtube vids on how to work out with an injured body part. moving my body is so important to me
thanks to graval as well as anxiety makes me sick so I need it to eat. that at least is not addictive to me.
love y'all, sincerely. yes this is a troll forum in that someone from here tried to shut down the functionality of my biz but I have some real friends here.
cannot thank those who know to whom I'm writing enough
apologies for these diary entries. just don't have many peeps to talk with and I don't want to pile my shit on new IRL friends or my ones online whom I know have their own ish going down
bless