Tube Ace

Negro, please.

I presumingly (see DNA test results below) have the type of genetics a World War was started over.

Height: 6'2"* (188 cm) - I could say I'm 6'3" since every guy adds an inch, but I'm 6'2" barefoot, which is widely considered the perfect height for a man. Every man in my family is over 6 feet tall. My brother is 6'6" and was the tallest student in his high school graduating class. My father is 6'1". Maternal grandfather was 6'1 and my uncle (mother's brother) is same height as myself. My height alone puts me in the top 4%.

Hair: Blond w/ no receding hairline. My maternal grandfather had a full head of hair when he passed away in his 70s. (fun fact: blonde is the #1 hair color of women who dye their hair and on average spend over $60,000 USD in their lifetime to match the color of mine and my people)

Eyes: Blue - My eyes are the physical feature I receive the most compliments on, with my height being second. Blue eyes are the second most rare eye color among humans globally, with only 8% of the population having them.

Waist: 32"* (34" inseam)

Chest: 40"-42"* Jacket

Member size: I have never had any complaints. Although it does have a darker shade than the rest of my body, probably due to all the friction.

Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual (much to the dismay of the thousands of gay men who I am worshiped and stalked by)

* These are the traditional proportions of a male fashion runway model (see cited source below) which I have been assumed to be on many occasions (also see below for examples).

I can make a list of 50+ celebrities who I have been told I look like, but here are a few off the top of my head (in order of being told during my lifetime)

Macaulay Culkin - This was my nickname given to me by the girls in Sunday school. I was actually cuter than Macaulay Culkin, see link to photo below)

Vanilla Ice - Not sure if they were serious or not because I didn't have the cool zig zag lines shaved in my hair at 11 years old since my overbearing mother wouldn't allow it)

Zack Morris - Played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar in the hit 90s TV show 'Saved by the Bell'. That dude scored Kelly Kapowski, many of my generation's first crush.

Jim Carrey - Probably due to the fact I made a lot of silly faces, although I do consider him a fellow handsome man.

Leonardo Dicaprio** - I've just now hit puberty. I think I share the same genetics with this guy. See the 1995 movie 'The Basketball Diaries', where he played a character 6 years younger than he was in real life. Like Leo, I was such a "late bloomer" that my friend asked me if I shaved my armpit hair since I had little to none at 15 years old, while he was a year younger than me, although this friend would later be bald by age 21.

Devon Sawa - Starred in mid 90s Casper movie, Final Destination series and Eminem's 'Stan' music video)

Matt Damon** - Told to me by the girl I lost my virginity to at age 17 (I lied and told her I was 18 so she would let me bang, since I didn't realize the age of consent is 17 in Louisiana anyway). She was 21 and had a boyfriend who said it turned him on at the thought of me sleeping with her. (See below for pricing of additional services)

Tim Robbins - I didn't realize he was in Top Gun as well, but I guess it's understandable since he didn't have as big a role as Maverick and Iceman.

Ryan Gosling

Brad Pitt** - Could be worse, right?

Steve McQueen - Somebody asked if I was his son in a bar about 7 years ago

Alexander Skarsgård

Harrison Ford**

Boyd Holbrook (Netflix series 'Narcos' DEA agent)

Bradley Cooper**

Colton something - My mother told me this one since she's watches those ridiculous Hallmark movies, which probably leads to her delusion of still landing a husband at her age. Anyways, she says he's a hunk.

Chris Hemsworth** - "He's Thor" which I've heard. I was never "fat Thor" though. I've always been on the slim/lean side.

Jeffrey Dahmer - Heard this one a few months ago while checking out at a clothing store. I was waiting for the credit card auth to go through and the cashier says "You look like Jeffrey Dahmer". I could only help but laugh and say "oh shit!". This was when the show was the most viewed on Netflix. It's give and take, I suppose. I would definitely rather be associated with the old-school class of serial killers, so I'll take at as a compliment. These new school kids are soft.

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** Denotes winners of People Magazine's 'Sexiest Man Alive' or '100 Most Beautiful People'

"If you're so good looking, why aren't you a model or movie star?" you may be asking. As I mentioned earlier, I grew up in bum fuck Louisiana and there aren't too many modeling scouts thereabouts. I only went to New York City for the first time in 2015, at age 33 where people would say things such as:

"Definitely a model" while walking up the street on 5th avenue in Manhattan.

While walking towards each other up the street, one young lady asked her friend as she pointing at me "What about him?", to which her friend replied "10!". I assume she was ranking me on a 1-10 scale or guessing my member size (in inches, of course).

"I thought that was Brad Pitt!" said by a woman next to me while standing on the curb of the crosswalk waiting for the light to change.

"Brad Pitt just walked in" a young man jokingly muttered to a female in their group seated at a bar in Manhattan to which she replied while laughing "don't do that!!".

I have seen several A-list celebrities checking me out while walking the streets or in airports.

Furthermore, I am not just a pretty face. I have always been a natural athlete. I was the only white kid on my middle school basketball team. This may not sound too impressive, but please also understand I can still perform physical feats which would kill 99% of humans. I have run over 30 marathons (most of which I ran during COVID). On my 40th birthday, I ran 40 miles (the longest distance I've run to date) to celebrate and prove I have not peaked physically and I am still getting better every year. In a few weeks, I will run 41 miles on my 41st birthday and plan to do so every year after until it kills me.

I hope that I have qualified myself in the looks department, but I could go on further and provide additional examples of my genetic blessings. Sure, why not...

While running through the streets shirtless, I have heard many (hundreds if not thousands of) women involuntary moan or grunt as I pass them by, sometimes even with their male partner walking next to them (sorry, guys you may need to try harder). I have also caused many close-call traffic accidents with women running red lights and stop signs while they were mesmerized by my galloping stride. "Horse genetics" was another term I just reminded myself of hearing from a man watching me run on the soft sands of the beach.

The most common words I hear about myself on a daily basis are "who is this guy?!?" as I run by fellow expats in the popular tourist destination of which I live, looking like an anonymous olympic runner. "My baby daddy" is another title frequently claimed by young women admiring the results of my dedication of being a distance runner and gym goer. Of course, getting this much attention from my female admirers is met with hostile replies from my unworthy adversaries, who must resort to cowardly mutters of "show off" or "he's probably gay" to squash the hopes and dreams of attaining the sperm of such a man as myself.

"Anywayyyy" is the second most heard phrase when groups of people give me a look over and one attempts to change the subject, which is usually said by the least attractive in the group. Can't a guy just go grocery shopping without people fawning over my statuesque presence everyday?

Sources cited:

Women will spend £50k in their lifetime dyeing their hair – with blonde the most popular colour: https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/10...t-women-spend/

Men named Sexiest Man Alive: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/People...iest_Man_Alive

Model Measurements: Industry Standards & the Transition Toward Diversity: https://www.backstage.com/magazine/a...rements-75473/

23andme DNA results: https://i.imgur.com/6SOfdOH.png