I had dinner with a woman Tuesday night. For once, I did not want desert. She did but asked if I would have a bite. I agreed.
We shared a three-layered chocolate cake. I found myself eating more than her. She had to remind me not to finish it off. There was a strawberry on top. Without thinking, I picked it up and put it in my mouth. Before I chewed on it, I realized I had done something wrong.
"I'm sorry. I should've asked you first," I mumbled with the berry in my mouth, before I crunched it.
I do that a lot. Once a woman wanted to sample my soup. After I finished my bowl, I looked at her, remembered her request, and said, "Oops."
Other observations about dating and dining:
* I always come to my decision on what to order five to ten minutes before her.
* She's (including David Poland) more likely to send something back.
* She's more likely to discuss the menu and to ask me what I'm getting. I rarely ask a woman what she's getting. I don't really care so long as it is not meat, particularly non-kosher meat, which grosses me out (but I rarely say that on a date, though I am getting more finicky as I age).
* Women rarely order alcohol on a date with me because I don't drink.
* I usually eat more. I dig in, finish first, and clean my plate. Women are much more delicate and dainty in their approach and they usually leave food behind on their plate.
* I always make a joke or some introductory remark before escorting a woman for the first time to a ride in my van. Some women say that's because I'm self conscious and embarrassed about my vehicle. I say with Dennis Prager that if there's an 800-pound gorilla in the room, you acknowledge it.
* Women are usually late when you pick them up. You agree on a time, say 7PM. I always arrive on time. It's usually 7:15PM before we get away. I think this is a power trip. Women like to test you early on to see if you are a wimp who will wait around on them and let them abuse you. So I always bring a book to read while I wait. I should start bringing it on a date for those long awkward pauses while she studies the menu like it is a Torah, goes to the bathroom for ten minutes, or worst of all, talks on her cell phone. I hate it when a woman takes a call on her cell during a date. I think it's highly disrespectful of me (unless it is a life and death emergency). I'm about ready to bolt the date as the minutes go by while she chats on her cell phone. But then again, I figure she has to put up with a lot from me - my sarcasm, dumpy van and hovel, narcissism, misanthropy, finicky eating habits, interesting choice of subjects to write about.
* I should always ask first what type of restaurant the woman would like to go to before heading out with her to my favorite vegetarian place.
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