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pamphage · 10-15-2003, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by TrashMan
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
> > As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
> > WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
> > work, following is the survival guide for taking a
> > dump at the office.
> > CROP DUSTING:
> > When farting, you walk really fast around the office
> > so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
> > gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
> > careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
> > fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make
> > sure the smell has left your pants.
> > FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
> > pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
> > are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
> > Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
> > may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
> > going into the bathroom.
> > ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
> > the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is
> > usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
> > If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
> > Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
> > the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
> > No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
> > involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
> > feel uneasy.
> > JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
> > at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
> > of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
> > not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
> > the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what
> > just occurred.
> > COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the
> > instant the poop
> > hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the
> > poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you
> > avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
> > WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
> > the door
> > after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be
> > a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
> > busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
> > the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with
> > the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
> > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at
> > work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
> > Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
> > newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
> > around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
> > before entering the bathroom.
> > SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
> > building where you can least expect visitors. Try
> > floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
> > This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper
> > entering your bathroom.
> > TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you
> > are in the stall and tries to force the door open.
> > This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
> > moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If
> > this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
> > Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
> > uncomfortable eye contact.
> > CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
> > into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
> > used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
> > Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
> > with an ASTAIRE.
> > ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
> > potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
> > stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
> > occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> > immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
> > WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when
> > hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
> > incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
> > diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> > HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a
> > series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
> > accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
> > an Astaire.
> > UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
> > forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
> > of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted
> > makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
> > you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is
> > empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
> > attendees.
> > IF YOU FOLLOW THIS SURVIVAL GUIDE EXACTLY, THEN WHEN
> > ITS YOUR TIME TO POOP IT WILL BE A VERY RELAXING AND
> > PEACFULL EXPERIENCE FOR ALL FUTURE POOPS

jesus. atleast take out the "> >"s after you cut and paste it from your aol account.