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I'd rather be on my boat.
Industry Role:
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 9,748
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This year's Darwin Awards!!!
KIDS DON'T TRY THIS STUFF AT HOME!!!!!
>
>
> Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about the
>
> Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene
> pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily
> stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
> machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free
>
> soda out of
> it. And the nominees this year are:
>
>
> 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
> because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
> mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill,
> and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion
> and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
>
>
> 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
>
> suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
> weighed 225 pounds. he was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
> white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
> create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
>
> that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its
> place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube
> approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into
>
> his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation.
> Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his
> family very awkward.
>
>
> 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
> when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
> occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
> crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
> their ankles.
>
>
> 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911call. She had no details
> before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not
> breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch
> naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she
> noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and
> removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the
> police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had
> made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they
> discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of
> putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two
> electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
> According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of
> the sanders, electrocuting him.
>
>
> 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
> Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and
> killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
> qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the
> driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which
> had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to\
>
> press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her
>
> own.
>
>
> 4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
> tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
> Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch
> of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the>
> other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
> pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think
> Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord
> that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
>
> the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
> "Major trauma."
>
>
> 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
> friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
> friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.
>
>
> 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
>
> a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all
> potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
> been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
> entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
> dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
> described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
> retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
> the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
> of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
>
> lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
> of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
>
>
> AND THE WINNER.....
>
>
> 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
> tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
> Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
> managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
> Muchto his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank
> on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly
> in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
> collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height
>
> of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his
> testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
> Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
> plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other
> testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing
> of the washer and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
> Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
> shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
> for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
> Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
> But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
> stupidity, we have not only allowed it but have awarded it first place.
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