Repetitive Monkey

The Damning Of the Teletubbies
Author: Ryuen
~~~~~~~~~~~~

It all began long, long ago, just after Ronald McDonald, AKA Satan, was booted out of Heaven for being naughty. The teletubbies, being angels themselves, were really quite comfortable with themselves and their situations...life was good, and there was much harp-playing, giggling, and sitting on clouds.

Ronald was a fairly good friend of theirs before the mishap which got him kicked out, and they'd spent many a day discussing the ways and failings of things with the dear clown in the past...in fact, the curly red wig was Laa-Laa's idea--she thought it really brought out his eyes...the rest is history, I suppose...

But, anyway, I digress.

Our story begins the day after Ronald/Satan was tossed out of Heaven. Our scene is a cloud just north of Cloud 9...Cloud 23 or so, if memory serves... It really was a smashing good cloud, with lots of little puffs of white and grey and even a bit of gold frill about the side...but, anyway...

"Oh, Laa-Laa," said Tinky Winky, humming softly to himself.

Laa-Laa glanced up from her Teen Magazine and cast a questioning look towards the purple Teletubby, eyes wide with feigned interest. "Yes, Tinky Winky?"

As Tinky Winky opened his mouth, however, Po held up a warning finger. "If this is about switching jumpsuits again, you can forget it, Tinky Winky..."

The purple chap shook his head. "No, no, it's nothing like that. It's..." He trailed off, glanced nervously from side to side, then leaned closer so none but his dear tubby brother and sisters could hear. "It's Ronny."

Dipsy's eyes grew wide. "Ronny? But, he's...he's..."

"Satan?" Laa-Laa supplied, raising one large yellow eyebrow.
Dipsy nodded hurriedly. "Yes...why, if we so much as speak of him here...well, you know God won't be happy..."

"Yeah," chimed Laa-Laa. "Don't you remember what happened last time, Tinky? One minute, we were blond-haired and blue eyed and wearing those cute little angel outfits, and the next we were...well...like THIS."

Po jammed her finger down her throat, casting a vicious gaze in Tinky Winky's direction.

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed Tinky Winky. "It wasn't MY fault! How did I know He was serious about that whole thou-shalt-not thing? Honestly..."

"Anyway," urged Dipsy, "what about Ronny, Tinky?"

"I could've been a Gabriel or a Mark," Laa-Laa muttered, scowling. "But, noooo...I'm Laa-Laa for all eternity..."

"Oh, shut-up," snapped Po. "Honestly, Laa-Laa...let Tinky talk."

Tinky Winky straightened his back proudly, casting the yellow teletubby an arrogant smile. "That's right, let me talk," he admonished with a sniff. Laa-Laa grumbled, but remained otherwise silent. "Good. Now, as I was saying..." Tinky Winky's voice dropped to a low whisper--the others leaned closer to hear his words. "Ronny got kicked out for trying to take over Heaven, right?"

"Yeah," said Laa-Laa, snickering. "What an idiot. I could've told him God would never fall for that stupid forged note from Adam and Eve... 'Oh, come save us!'" she mimicked, bringing her voice to a high falsetto, "'there's a man here with a book called 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,' and he's trying to make us read it!'" Laa-Laa collapsed into a fit of giggles.

"Anyway," continued Tinky Winky, casting a brief glare at Laa-Laa for her interruption, "I was thinking...okay, Ronny had a good idea, right? I mean, we'd all love to be in charge here, and if we could get rid of God, we WOULD be in charge." He giggled. "I mean, seriously, who else here has anything near our combined intelligence? Gabriel?"
The teletubbies all snickered.

"Exactly," continued Tinky Winky. "So...I was thinking...Ronny had the right idea, but he did it all wrong. But, US...we can DO this, guys. I know we can. We're smart...and there are four of us, and only ONE of Him. How can He possibly fight us all off if we combine our intellects and work together?"

"So, what do you say? Wanna try to take on God for control of Heaven?" Seeing Laa-Laa about to protest, he added, "Don't forget. If we were in charge, we could change our NAMES."

"I'm in!" screeched Laa-Laa, slapping her hand down on top of her purple companion's.

Po nodded firmly. "Me, too." She grinned. "With God out of the way, we can unblock all those channels of cable and see what REALLY goes on on channel 324...!"

With this said, all eyes then turned to Dipsy, who had been sitting quietly by, gazing at a nearby cloud with a tortured look in his eyes.

"Dipsy?"

He glanced back at his companions, chewing on his lip, green brow furrowed in thought. "I don't know, guys..."

Laa-Laa scowled. "Aw, come on, Dipsy! You know that if we don't do it TOGETHER, we haven't got a chance! Three teletubby angels against God have no chance at all...but FOUR..." Her eyes lit up. "Come on, man, what's wrong with you?"

Dispy bit hard into his lower lip. "Well...it's just that...well..." He sighed. "I kind of got...promoted to archangel yesterday," he finished hurriedly. He shook his head, a tortured look spreading across his face. "I was gonna tell you guys, honest!--but I thought you'd be sad that I was leaving, and so I didn't want to--"

"YOU BASTARD!" Laa-Laa shrieked, leaping for Dipsy's throat. "ARCHANGEL? ARCHANGEL DIPSY MY ASS! I WAS NEXT IN LINE! I WAAAAAAAS!"

"YOU?" demanded Tinky Winky, slapping Laa-Laa hard on the back of the head. "Who did all that planting in the Garden of Eden while you sat on your ass and watched Thundercats reruns, eh? I DID! I planted all those damn trees, and so *I* deserve to be an archangel! NOT YOU!"

Po, eyes wide with shock, watched the battle ensue, lips parting briefly to let out a little, "Eep!" God was NOT going to like this... Exercising an unusual amount of clear-thinking and intelligence, Po crawled to the edge of the cloud and took a long leap. She landed right in the midst of Cloud 22, scattering a group of angels who had been busying themselves playing Hearts.

"DAMN IT, LAA-LAA, GET OFF OF MEEEE!" Dipsy screamed, struggling to break free of his yellow companion's claws of death... "PLEASE! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOUUUU!! I'm SORREEE!" The green teletubby, feeling the life beginning to ebb from his body as the grip tightened on his throat, began to sob.

*POOF*

Just then, a wash of golden light swept over the three teletubbies, and there was suddenly a burst of heavenly music. A shape began to take form just beside them, casting a blinding yellowish hue over them and calming even Laa-Laa's rage...what replaced it, however, was a nail-biting, stomach-flipping, mind-numbing FEAR.

The yellow teletubby gulped, sitting back and carefully removing her hands...er...paws...er...whatever from Dipsy's throat. "Uh-oh..."

"Uh-oh is right," came a thundering voice from just beside them.

And then, with a flourish of trumpets and a flash of blinding light, God appeared beside them, dressed in His snazziest black tuxedo and wearing a very spiffy red bowtie strung around His holy neck.

"Uhhh...uhh....hi, God!" Dipsy managed, swallowing hard and rubbing at his throat.

Tinky Winky gulped. "What...uh...brings Your Holiness all the way over here, eh? Want to...uh...play some cards?"

Laa-Laa, quickly regaining her usual confidence, flashed God a charming smile. "You look wonderful, God. Going somewhere...special?"

God eyed them carefully, eyes narrowed and arms folded over his chest. "I'm going to a dinner theater production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, if you must know...of course, neither Joseph nor the play will exist for another few milennia, but ah well..." He trailed off, cleared His throat, and fixed a stern gaze on the three teletubbies. "So," he rumbled, "I hear you three have been having some sort of a dispute."

Tinky Winky laughed nervously. "Ohh...uh...You could hear that all the way over there, God?"

God's lips spread into a knowing grin. "I hear EVERYTHING, Tinky...you would know that if you'd paid attention in class all those years ago..."

The teletubbies gulped. "Uhh...e-everything...Lord?" Dipsy stuttered, curling into a small ball on the cloud and hoping to look pitiful enough for God to be merciful...

God nodded. "Yessss...EVERYTHING." He raised His voice and turned to stare down at Cloud 22, where Po had already been dealt into a hand of Hearts. "Po," He called. "Come over here, please."

Trembling with fear, Po picked herself up, tossed the cards to the cloud-floor, and leaped back onto Cloud 23. The angels of Cloud 22, feeling it most appropriate, hummed a dirge as she moved.