Repetitive Monkey

"Stand before me, teletubby angels," God commanded.

The four did so, shivering in their...erm...jumpsuits.

"You have disobeyed Me and My commandments, and conspired to overthrow Me."

"I didn't, Lord!" shrieked Dipsy, beginning to blubber. "I didn't! I didn't! I didn't agree to try to overthrow You! I would NEVER do that!!"

"Oh, no, you don't," snarled Laa-Laa. "Lord--Dipsy SWORE! We all heard him! That's just as bad as trying to overthrow You, isn't it?"

"Oh, and you have such a pure tongue, Laa-Laa," Dipsy muttered.

Tinky Winky rolled his eyes. "Shut-up, both of you! Don't you get it?? We're being kicked out of Heaven!"

Laa-Laa and Dipsy froze, turning to face God with blank looks of horror spread across their faces. "Kicked...out of Heaven?" Laa-Laa echoed in a small voice.

"Nooooo," sobbed Dipsy. "I'm too younnnnng!" He dashed forward and grabbed tightly onto God's legs, sobbed quietly into his pant legs.

"Dipsy," said God. "Please...you're getting my pants all...snotty." When the green teletubby had removed himself, the Lord straightened and stared down on the four angels with a look of displeasure. "My children," He began. "I realize this must be very frightening for you, but you HAVE disobeyed My commandments and aspired to overthrow Me, an offense which demands that I throw you out of Heaven and cast you into exile in Hell with Ronn--errm, SATAN. However," He added, voice softening, "there is an alternative. I can't let you stay in Heaven with all your powers, of course...but, I COULD let you stay on Earth, instead. It's not much better than Hell, but at least you won't have to deal with that whole eternal torment thing... Anyway," He continued, "I'll give you a bit to think about it, and to clean out your clouds. I'll be back for an answer in a few hours."

~~~~

"Ohhhh, this is TERRIBLE!" moaned Dipsy, packing a small potted fern into a cardboard box. "Kicked out of Heaven! Made to live on Earth or in Hell...agggh, it's HORRIBLE!"

Laa-Laa scowled. "Oh, don't be so melodramatic, you wussy. Earth isn't that bad. At least we won't get stuck with Ronny in Hell."

"Stuck with Ronny?" echoed Dipsy. "At least HE likes us! In fact, I bet he'd let us be his demons or something if we went to Hell instead... On Earth, we're not going to have ANY friends."

"Dipsy, we are NOT going to Hell," Tinky Winky growled. "It's a stupid idea, and I refuse to even think about it."

"Hey, at least we'd have cool names if we went there," muttered Laa-Laa. "I wonder if Beelzebub is taken yet..."

Po, who had been silently folding up her Jonathan Taylor Thomas posters, drew a breath to speak. "I think we should do what Tinky Winky says and go to Earth," she announced, glancing at each of her companions in turn. "I mean...Ronny was our friend up here, but that was when he couldn't do anything and when he needed all the help he could get. Now, though, he's down there in Hell, and he's in control. He's the boss, and he knows how powerful we are--in fact," she gulped, "I bet he'd kill us if we went down there. That or, you know, make us get his coffee and stuff for eternity or something... Whatever happened, it wouldn't be very fun at all."

Dipsy sighed. "Yeah, I guess you're right, Po. Earth it is, then."

*POOF*

A figure appeared beside the cloud, this one a heroic, valiant creature with sun-bronzed muscles and a long mane of silken, curled blond hair...

Laa-Laa scowled. "What do YOU want, Gabriel?"

Gabriel smiled magnanimously, granting the four irritable teletubbies a sweeping bow. "Hello, friends," he purred. "I hear someone's been kicked out of Heaven..."

Tinky Winky sighed. "Is that why you're here, Gabe? To rub it in?"

An innocent expression overcame the angel's face. "No, of course not! I would never do something like that!" He cleared his throat and produced a piece of rolled parchment from a pocket in his tunic. "I have, however, composed a passage which I'm going to request that God place in the Bible...once He commands it be written. Would you like to hear it?"

Laa-Laa's scowl deepened. "Do we have a choice?"

Gabriel smiled. "Not really, no. All right, then, here goes:

"So saith the Lord:

'Teletubbies, ye beasts
I'll cast thee away
For only the pure
And holy may stay!

Ye are a disgrace
Immature as a babe
Why can't ye be more
Like my right hand Gabe?

So, go be with Ronny
The clown ye adore
For ye can stay here
In Heaven NO MORE!'

"Well," said Gabriel, rolling up the parchment. "What do you think? Does the rhyme scheme work for you, because I was thinking of switching to iambic pentameter and perhaps lengthening the sentences a bit to make give it a smoother flow and--"

"You know," snarled Laa-Laa, cutting the angel off midsentence and raising a fist, "since we've already been kicked out, we could do just about whatever we wanted to you and not worry about it..."

Gabriel frowned. "Fine, then, be that way. I was going to sing you a little song I composed as a going-away present, but now, forget it! Happy exile! Hrmph!"

And, with a great POOF! and a flash of light, Gabriel had vanished, leaving the teletubbies alone once more.

"Agggh, I hate that guy," muttered Laa-Laa.

*POOF!*

"G...God!" sputtered Laa-Laa, grimacing. "What...uhh...brings You back here so early...erm...Your Holiness?"

God shrugged. "Eh, the dinner show wasn't nearly as good as I hoped it would be. The Pharoah just...didn't impress Me at all." He shrugged. "Anyway...you've decided?"

Tinky Winky nodded, drawing himself up to his full height. "Yes, Lord. We've decided that we wish to be banished to Earth rather than Hell."

The Lord nodded gravely. "A good choice."

"But...uh...Lord?"

God fixed his eyes on the small red teletubby. "Yes, Po?"

She hesitated. "Erm...well...Ronn--erm, SATAN can visit the earth...can't he? And, if he can...won't he....erm...want to...uh..."

"Kill you for your superior intellect and power?"

The four teletubbies nodded.

"Ah. Well, don't worry about that, I've already taken care of it." God smiled knowingly. "Trust me...Satan will never feel threatened enough by you in your earthly forms to try to kill you. You have My solemn word."

Far away, someone snickered...it sounded like Gabriel... The teletubbies, however, ignored it, so great was their relief to learn that they would be safe on Earth...or...relatively safe, anyway.

"Thank you, Lord, for Your mercy," said Tinky Winky, bowing low. "We're ready to go."

"Splendid!" exclaimed God. "Oh, and don't worry--I won't be so cruel as to set you down this early in history. You won't have to suffer through the Dark Ages or even go through the seventies. We'll start you off as near to the twenty-first century as We can."

"Oh, thank you, Lord!" chimed the teletubbies.

And, God brought His hands together into a loud clap...and the four teletubbies vanished.

Gabriel, enjoying a slushie on Cloud 12, snickered. "Poor bastards."

And, the rest, my fellows, is history...