> December 1st
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
>take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be
>lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ... feel
>free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as
>Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
>can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> Ted Lange
> Human Resources Director
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> December 2nd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
>employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often
>coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However,
>from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies
>to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no
>Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.
> Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> Ted Lange
> Human Resources Director
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> December 3rd
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of
>Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to
>accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table
>that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget
>about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members
>feel that $10 is too much money.
> Ted Lange
> Human Researchers Director
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> December 7th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
>farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
>restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to
>sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a
>flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now?
> Ted Lange
> Human Racehorses Director
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> December 9th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our
>CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
>"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
>suit."
> Ted Lange
> Human Ratraces
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> December 10th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold
>this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit
>at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll
>get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes
>have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
>scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten
>holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
> The Jerk from Hell
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> December 14th
> TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Ted Lange a speedy
>recovery from him stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your
>cards to him at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
>cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off
>with full pay.
> Terri Bishop
> Acting Human Resources Director
>
>
------------------
The Black Sheep of the Boneprone Family
I like to rub
HERTURN on my nipples