Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate

[DamianJ]

LITCHFIELD, CT?Though she was initially upset following the brutal sexual assault last month that left her pregnant, victim Martha Byars told reporters she was relieved Sunday to learn from Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO) that her ability to conceive her unwanted child proves she was not, in fact, legitimately raped.

?Being violently coerced into having sex was the worst thing that?s ever happened to me, so I take comfort in knowing it wasn?t actually rape,? Byars said of the vicious encounter in which she was accosted in an alleyway by a stranger, pinned to the ground, and penetrated against her will for 25 minutes. ?It was absolutely horrific?I felt violated in the worst way imaginable?but thanks to Congressman Akin, I now realize it must, at some level, have been consensual after all.?

?Thank God for that,? Byars added. ?I?m so relieved to know that my child?s father, the man who muffled my screams as he forcefully penetrated me over and over and left me hemorrhaging to death on the street, is not a rapist.?

Explaining that the Republican senatorial candidate?s statements had ?really opened her eyes? by helping her understand the workings of her own reproductive system, Byars said she only wishes she could have known at the time of her near-fatal assault that the female body has ways to shut down conception during cases of tried-and-true rape.

?Now that I know the truth, I realize none of the telltale signs of legitimate rape were there at all,? mused Byers, noting that her body did not in any way shut down but in fact continued to register excruciating pain throughout the entire cruel ordeal. ?I must have at least subconsciously wanted it?otherwise, the sperm wouldn?t have been able to enter my body.?

?Not only is this knowledge a blessing for me,? she continued, ?but it will no doubt bring great hope to the tens of thousands of women who are forcibly and savagely impregnated in the United States every year.?

http://www.theonion.com/articles/pre...as-ille,29258/

[marcop]

[MaDalton]

poor girl they bought that pic of - lol

[sandman!]

[woj]

[potter]

<3 the onion

[MediaGuy]

One must guffaw!


:D

[DamianJ]

Originally Posted by JohnnyClips

Why would people put themselves in a situation to be sexually assaulted? There's lots of precautions you can take

Oh, poor troll, is everyone ignoring you saying exactly that on your own thread?

Try less obvious trolling. The conspiracy stuff really fooled people, the MIT stuff was good, guns are good. Stick to what you know works in fooling people here.

[ExtremeBank_Adam]

A "real" story today... teen held captive and assaulted for two years escapes. Gave birth to a child, so I guess it wasn't "legitimate rape"?

http://news.yahoo.com/prosecutor-tee...131044592.html

[DamianJ]

Originally Posted by JohnnyClips

There are plenty of ways to avoid being sexually assaulted and/or raped....thousands...

Look kid, I'm really sorry I worked out you are nothing more than a troll. And I am really sorry your own troll thread saying women are asking to be raped isn't getting any attention.

As I said, stick to troll material you are comfortable with. This whole rape schtick just isn't panning out for you man.

Start some threads on guns, racism, the illuminati etc. You know that always gets the idiots giving you the attention you crave.

[CourtneyR]

lets give it up for sarcasm!

[LAJ]

At what point are people going to understand that the Onion is fuckin satire?

[nextri]

Originally Posted by LAJ

At what point are people going to understand that the Onion is fuckin satire?

I think people understood that.

[DamianJ]

Originally Posted by LAJ

At what point are people going to understand that the Onion is fuckin satire?

I think everyone does...

[PR_Glen]

Originally Posted by DamianJ

Oh, poor troll, is everyone ignoring you saying exactly that on your own thread?

Try less obvious trolling. The conspiracy stuff really fooled people, the MIT stuff was good, guns are good. Stick to what you know works in fooling people here.

johnny carries around a rape whistle wherever he goes so he's safe. it also protects him from the government ;)

[rowan]

Originally Posted by LAJ

At what point are people going to understand that the Onion is fuckin satire?

When it comes to bible thumping it's hard to tell, sometimes. I glossed over it then noticed a link to theonion at the bottom.

[GregE]

Originally Posted by rowan

When it comes to bible thumping it's hard to tell, sometimes. I glossed over it then noticed a link to theonion at the bottom.

Good point.