L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department

[Coup]

L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department - The New Yorker

I was shooting heroin and reading â??The Fountainheadâ?� in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

â??Bad news, detective. We got a situation.â?�

â??What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?â?�

â??Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollarsâ?? worth of bitcoins.â?�

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. â??What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?â?�

â??Not yet. But mark my words: weâ??re going to figure out who did this and weâ??re going to take them down â?¦ provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.â?�

â??Easy, chief,â?� I said. â??Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.â?�

He laughed. â??Thatâ??s why youâ??re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.â?�

â??Donâ??t worry,â?� I said. â??Iâ??m on it.â?�

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

â??Home Depotâ?¢ Presents the Police!®â?� I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. â??Nobody move unless you want to!â?� They didnâ??t.

â??Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?â?� No one spoke up.

â??Come on,â?� I said. â??Donâ??t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?â?�

It didnâ??t seem like they did.

â??Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, Iâ??m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.â?�

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didnâ??t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

â??Subwayâ?¢ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®â?� I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

â??Stop right there!â?� I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. â??Listen, Iâ??ll pay you to stop!â?� I yelled. â??What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? Iâ??ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn â??Bob Barr â??08â?? extra-large long-sleeved menâ??s T-shirt!â?�

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

â??All right, all right!â?� the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. â??I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.â?�

â??Whyâ??d you do it?â?� I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikosâ?¢ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

â??Because I was afraid.â?�

â??Afraid?â?�

â??Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,â?� he said. â??Iâ??m a central banker.â?�

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

â??Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,â?� I said. â??No matter how many bitcoins you steal, youâ??ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.â?�

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

[Best-In-BC]

Libertarian Police Department would be doing a lot less than the cops now, all drugs would be ignored, prostitution, and all other victim less crimes.

[crockett]

Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

But how come "stop right there!" Was not sponsored by Just Breaks?