Raymond The Pimpdog

[Sig Whore]

Raymond the Pimpdog
I will tell you a story about one of the many marvelous personalities I met in my adventures as a Mormon missionary in the southwest of England. His name was Raymond.

In my first area on my mission, Gloucester, with my first companion, Jacobs. Jacobs was from Bountiful, Utah, and had a full-ride basketball scholarship to Ricks. We were knocking down doors in one of the lower-rent areas, Hardwicke, and this one lady, this really really old lady, answers the door and she's naked from the waist down.

I'm not making this up. I think she was really confused and didn't really know what was going on. Also, she only had one eye. She was looking at us with this really lost, frightened expression with her one eye and empty, uncovered, black eyesocket and I think the most she could say was "I'm sorry--." We said something like, "It looks like it's not really a good time for you, we'll come by later," and strode briskly away. "Later" never came.

A few doors down we were offered a "shag" which was a very kind thing and flattering too and the young ladies that had invited us were quite attractive but we were both so shaken by the horrific encounter with the other gender we had only minutes before that we could only politely refuse.

And then we met Raymond.

He answered the door and said something incomprehensible. I think I said something like, "What?" and he repeated it, but it did not become any more clear to me the second time around. So he waved his hand in such a manner as to invite us in, and showed us his dog. "My dog's been at by a rottweiler," he said, which upon the third time was discernable to ears that hadn't totally acclimated to the Gloucestershire accent.

His dog had been at by a rottweiler. His dog was shaven all over it's rear half and had a network of lacerations and stitches and really looked quite miserable. "Got my hand, too," he said, and showed us his hand which was accordingly bandaged. We chatted with Raymond for a few minutes when suddenly he shouted, "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME TEA?"

"No, tea, thanks!"

"Coffee?"

"Do you have any water?"

"I have beer!"

"We don't drink, Raymond," Jacobs said.

"Oh," he said, and then after a moment of thought, he asked Jacobs, "Do you watch pornos?"

We were both really trying hard to stay straightfaced. Jacobs especially. He said, "Raymond! No!"

And Raymond was all like, "I bet you do! I bet you do!"

And Elder Jacobs by this time lost it, and couldn't keep himself from laughing. "Raymond! That's like poison!"

About as suddenly as the beverage-to-porn conversation had started Raymond again changed the subject, bewilderingly, to music. The Shadows, specifically. He showed us his collection of Cliff Richards and the Shadows tapes, none of which either of us had heard of, but each one Jacobs pronounced to be "A classic!" with this huge grin on his face. (It occurs to me now that Raymond may have wanted to show us his Shadows tapes on account of their drummer being a Jehovahs Witness, which we were frequently mistaken for.)

And then his collection of John Wayne videos. I think Raymond was very lonely and very glad to have company. Jacobs totally loved him. So did I.

Raymond was an artist. He wanted to show us. He brought out a tablet of paper that was full of crude drawings of naked women engaged in lascivious acts. Elder Jacobs, bless his cotton socks, tried his best to act disgusted but couldn't keep himself from laughing. "Raymond! That's poison, Raymond! It's like slow poison! Don't you draw anything nice?"

And Raymond said, "I drew the Queen Mary."

And Jacobs said, "Was she wearing anything?"

"No, the Queen Mary."

"Did she have any clothes on?"

"No, no, the Queen Mary. It's a boat!"

He told us also that the Queen Mary was in America's possession now. Jacobs said, "Yeah, we're going after Big Ben next."

"You'll probably get it," Raymond said. "That president of yours will probably get it."

He didn't want us to leave without some parting gifts. He wanted to give Elder Jacobs a cowboy hat ("You look like John Wayne with that hat!") and then a television but Jacobs turned them down as gently as he could. Finally Raymond gave him a watch that winds up ("Because you spend a fortune on batteries!") and he gave me a medal with a red, white and blue ribbon, that his son brought back from America. "You take this back with you to America," he said. The inscription on it read, "I AM A SUPERSTAR - 1ST."

So now you know. Thanks to Raymond, I am a superstar.

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