:mad: Why did the punk cross the road? :sleep

What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

:Kissmy Because he was stapled to the chickens back. :Kissmy

:eek7 How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? :repuke

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home!

:fart Only one. To slam the car boot shut. :karaoke

What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!

:321GFY Broken promises don't upset me. I just think 'Why did they believe me?' :ticking

:question Six stages of married life:1: Tri-weekly2: Try weekly3: Try weakly4. Try oysters5: Try anything6: Try to remember :tongue:

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer!

:helpme A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'. To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!' :stop

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini

:eek7 The graduate with an engenieering degree asks 'How does it do that?' :zzwhip

What's the best way to force a man to do situps?
Put the remote between his toes.

:Graucho The graduate with an accounting degree asks 'How much does it cost?' :drinkup

How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat we clean/they dirty we iron/they wrinkle!

:fart The graduate with the Arts degree asks 'Do you want fries with that?' :Note

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

:evil-laug 'Was your wife a virgin when you married?' :rainfro

:Kissmy 'I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.' :disgust

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

:Grrrrrr It's ass. :moon

:eek7 A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part. :karaoke

:moon What's brown and sticky? :2 cents:

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink

:girl What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle? :boid

:mad: If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish. :GFYBand

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

:Grrrrrr I'd cross the hottest desert :eatmouse

:girl It was so cold :boid

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

:eek2 the town flasher ran up and described himself. :NopeNope

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

:GFYBand A man who's too drunk to follow orders. :tongue:

One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"

:pimp Two cows in a field. One says to the other 'What do you think about this mad cow desease?' The other one replies 'Blimey! a talking cow!' :pimp

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?

1) No mind.
2) No business.

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

:question one hardly used. :fart

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

breakin 2, electric boogaloo

Translations for men
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated:* "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car

I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

:2 cents: How do you tell an old man? :eek7

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

:xomunch An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died :spawn

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

:Oh crap 'So you want them mounted?' asked the taxidermist. To which she replied ; 'No. Holding hands will do just fine.' :feels-hot

dave matthews