Guess the number between 1 and 347 and get $347 sent to you. - Page 13 - GoFuckYourself.com

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:24 PM

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks
him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal
passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain,
tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the
same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the
second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach
himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife
over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on
his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine
home.

Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor
did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:24 PM

Did you hear Lorena Bobbit was almost killed in a traffic accident?
Some dick cut her off.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:24 PM

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:25 PM

What do you call a skinny Arab?
Ally Mc Baba.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:25 PM

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she
is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are
very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well,
I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the
clerk says.

"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a
frog."

"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow
jobs."

The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of
sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides
the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it
home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value.

The husband is sceptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try
that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won't bother her that night.

She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen.
She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling
out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks.

"What are you two doing down here?" she asks.

Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're
out of here!"

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:25 PM

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:26 PM

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:26 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!"

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:27 PM

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.'

'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times'

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:27 PM

There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money.
The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside."

The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for."

The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money."

So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.

He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.

A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for.

The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money."

So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.

Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets."

So, he took his money and left.

About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it."

The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him."

Xenophage · 06-06-2004, 01:27 PM

http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showth...pagen umber=2

this thread also has a 100 bucks on it and the top poster has only like 10 posts LOl and it ends on june 13th and 200 bucks if your an affiliate

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:28 PM

Yo' mama's so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven!

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:28 PM

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:28 PM

An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father.
The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1.

With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well.

The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth.

A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:29 PM

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LegendaryLars
http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showth...pagen umber=2

this thread also has a 100 bucks on it and the top poster has only like 10 posts LOl and it ends on june 13th and 200 bucks if your an affiliate

ok lets switch

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:30 PM

Yo mama like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:30 PM

Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:31 PM

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:31 PM

Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went.
'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.'

'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!'

'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.'

'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:32 PM

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:32 PM

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:33 PM

The England team's training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Twickenham.
One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.

Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:33 PM

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:33 PM

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:34 PM

Yo mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:34 PM

Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

jojojo · 06-06-2004, 01:35 PM

250 O.o or am I too late?

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:35 PM

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:35 PM

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:36 PM

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:36 PM

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:37 PM

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:38 PM

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:38 PM

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:38 PM

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:39 PM

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.

Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.

Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let?s make a hockey team, eh?

Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.

Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.

Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.

Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.

Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.

Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.

Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.

Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.

Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.

Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.

Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.

Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.

Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.

Jehovah?s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.

Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.

Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.

Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.

Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.

Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:39 PM

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:39 PM

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:40 PM

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you've finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:41 PM

Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm "Jersey"

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:41 PM

zentz · 06-06-2004, 01:41 PM

Q. What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
A. Potpourri

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:44 PM

How do you know when a blonde has lost her virginity?
Her crayons are wet.

cornhusker · 06-06-2004, 01:46 PM

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

zentz · 06-06-2004, 02:27 PM

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.

So what's the problem?

zentz · 06-06-2004, 02:28 PM

Love is a sensation; caused by a temptation; to feel penetration; a guy sticks his location; in a girl's destination; to increase the population; for the next generation; did you get my explanation; or do you need a demonstration?

zentz · 06-06-2004, 02:29 PM

A friend went to see the movie "American Beauty" and was quite bothered by some scenes, in particular a masturbation scene. Discussing the movie with her husband later, she said, "I'm sorry, but I find masturbation in a movie to be really offensive."

Her husband sighed and said, "All right, I'll stop doing it."

zentz · 06-06-2004, 02:29 PM

He: "I already have a nickname for you."

She: "And what is that?"

He: "MasterCard."

She: "MasterCard?"

He: "Yes, MasterCard. I plan on mastering your possibilities and takin' you to the limit."

zentz · 06-06-2004, 02:30 PM

Bob: "So, how's it going with the ladies?"

Joey: "Women to me are sex objects."

Bob: "Really?"

Joey: "Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object."

06-06-2004, 01:24 PM	#601
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!" "What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!" __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:24 PM	#603
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well", he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12-pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!" __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:25 PM	#605
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop is charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog." "Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs." The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex, and because she is not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband, and explains its special value. The husband is sceptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing her husband won't bother her that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks. Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!" __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:26 PM	#607
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers. "Hi, is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:26 PM	#608
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend." 'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out." "That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best friend?" "I looked him right in the eye and yelled, "Bad dog!!!!" __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:24 PM	#602
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Did you hear Lorena Bobbit was almost killed in a traffic accident? Some dick cut her off.

06-06-2004, 01:25 PM	#604
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	What do you call a skinny Arab? Ally Mc Baba.

06-06-2004, 01:25 PM	#606
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky." The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!" The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?" He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

06-06-2004, 01:27 PM	#609
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. 'Honey,' she signs, 'Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.' The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, 'Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.' 'If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis..........fifty times' __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:27 PM	#610
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money. The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have outside." The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money for." The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money." So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside. He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money. A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He askes the bartender what this money was for. The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money." So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side. Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his secrets." So, he took his money and left. About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it." The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him."

06-06-2004, 01:27 PM	#611
Xenophage Registered User Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 12,122	http://www.gofuckyourself.com/showth...pagen umber=2 this thread also has a 100 bucks on it and the top poster has only like 10 posts LOl and it ends on june 13th and 200 bucks if your an affiliate

06-06-2004, 01:28 PM	#612
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Yo' mama's so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven!

06-06-2004, 01:28 PM	#613
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A. Yell at her. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:28 PM	#614
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	An expectant couple were soon to have their first child. Their doctor told them of a new invention to relieve the mother's pain during childbirth. This invention could be attached to the mother and it would transfer the pain she experienced to the baby's father. The couple talked it over and the husband was anxious to help his wife with her delivery. When the blessed time came, they opted to use the new invention. It was strapped to the mother and the dial was set at 1. With the mother's contraction, the husband felt no pain. He asked that the dial be adjusted to 3. With the next contractions, the mother felt less pain and the husband tolerated the experience well. The husband, feeling courageous and noble, asked that the dial be turned to 100%. The nurse did so and the mother completed the entire labor and delivery with no pain. The husband did not feel any pain either, and was certain that women had over-rated their plight in childbirth. A few days later the happy new family returned home from the hospital. They were shocked as they drove into their driveway to see the mailman lying dead on the front porch.

06-06-2004, 01:29 PM	#615
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive." Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet." Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?" The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school." "Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?" The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

06-06-2004, 01:30 PM	#617
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Yo mama like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away.

06-06-2004, 01:30 PM	#618
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great-tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you keep your figure, and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is. A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work too hard to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present...and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

06-06-2004, 01:31 PM	#619
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What do women and police cars have in common? A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:31 PM	#620
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Little DJ has his first day at school. His Mom was real worried, and when she picked him up from school at the end of the day, she anxiously asked him how his day went. 'Well, I came top of the class in Math, I made a touchdown in football, and I had sex with the teacher.' 'What! How dare you! Get into your room and wait till your father gets home!' Little DJ goes to his room, and when his father comes home, DJ's mom tells his father, 'I'm absolutely disgusted with DJ. He said he came top of the class in Math, made a touchdown in football, and had sex with the teacher!' 'That's my boy' thinks his Dad. So he goes upstairs to talk to DJ. 'Don't worry about your Mom. She's a bit upset, but it sounds to me like you had an awesome day at school. In fact, I'm so pleased, you know that bicycle I said I was going to buy you for Christmas, I think I'll get it for you this weekend.' 'Oh no, Dad, don't. I don't think I'll be able to sit down for a while.'

06-06-2004, 01:32 PM	#621
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:32 PM	#622
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen? __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:33 PM	#623
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	The England team's training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Twickenham. One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field. Coach Clive Woodward immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.

06-06-2004, 01:33 PM	#624
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow? A. So, when you pull their tits they won't shit on the floor. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:33 PM	#625
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. Why can't women read maps? A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:34 PM	#626
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Yo mama is so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers.

06-06-2004, 01:34 PM	#627
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ? A. All it takes is one prick and its all over. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:35 PM	#628
jojojo Too lazy to set a custom title Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 2,318	250 O.o or am I too late? __________________ Learn SEO - make $$ residually - icq me 333485092

06-06-2004, 01:35 PM	#629
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:35 PM	#630
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

06-06-2004, 01:36 PM	#631
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:36 PM	#632
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. Why did God create alcohol? A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:37 PM	#633
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? A. Sexual harassment. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:38 PM	#634
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $3.99 a minute. __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]

06-06-2004, 01:38 PM	#635
cornhusker Confirmed User Join Date: Jun 2004 Posts: 1,374	Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral? There are only two handles on a garbage can.

06-06-2004, 01:38 PM	#636
zentz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 8,053	Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists? A. Their shaky hands! __________________ Programs that owe me money ---- Epassporte.com ~ $2700 \| Protraffic.com ~ $2600 \| XonDemand.com ~ $3000 Email: [email protected]