steven wright quotes - GoFuckYourself.com

Grapesoda · 12-19-2005, 08:37 PM

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is

research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is

one of my long time favorites)

Rob · 12-19-2005, 08:39 PM

His comedy cracks me the hell up. He certainly isn't for everyone though. My ex HATED him. Whenever he was on I would stay tuned and watch his routines...she would leave the room.

I find him funny as shit!

selena · 12-19-2005, 08:46 PM

I saw him live once, and he was hilarious.

Thanks for sharing those.

Grapesoda · 12-19-2005, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob

His comedy cracks me the hell up. He certainly isn't for everyone though. My ex HATED him. Whenever he was on I would stay tuned and watch his routines...she would leave the room.

I find him funny as shit!

the funniest guy I ever saw was the 'amazing Jonathon' I almost peed my pants and I though I was gonna die from laughing

http://www.allamericanspeakers.com/n...1772/index.php

don't ever pass the chance to catch his act . .

sickkittens · 12-19-2005, 09:24 PM

Pretty funny. not as good as Carlin, though.

reed_4 · 12-20-2005, 12:21 AM

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

ytcracker · 12-20-2005, 12:23 AM

he is fucking hilarious

12-19-2005, 08:37 PM	#1
Grapesoda So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Montana Posts: 46,238	steven wright quotes All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (this is one of my long time favorites)

12-19-2005, 08:39 PM	#2
Rob I'm a great bowler. Industry Role: Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Right Outside of Normal. Posts: 13,309	His comedy cracks me the hell up. He certainly isn't for everyone though. My ex HATED him. Whenever he was on I would stay tuned and watch his routines...she would leave the room. I find him funny as shit! __________________

12-19-2005, 08:46 PM	#3
selena Confirmed User Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: On The Edge Posts: 7,992	I saw him live once, and he was hilarious. Thanks for sharing those. __________________ ~ Doer of Things at MetArtMoney Where Flawless Beauty Meets Art ~The MetArt Network ~ selena.delgado9

12-19-2005, 09:24 PM	#5
sickkittens I am a meat popsicle. Join Date: Jul 2002 Posts: 25,100	Pretty funny. not as good as Carlin, though. __________________ HIGHEST PAYOUTS FOR NO-CONSOLE TOURS IN THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY! THIS SIG CAN BE YOURS FOR $200 - ICQ: 78881543

12-20-2005, 12:21 AM	#6
reed_4 Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 9,640	When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright __________________

12-20-2005, 12:23 AM	#7
ytcracker stc is the greatest Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: rip sean murray Posts: 12,403	he is fucking hilarious __________________ www.ytcracker.com \| www.digitalgangster.com i love you