Kids! Accept Jesus Christ as Your Lord and Savior and Get a Free PlayStation 3! - GoFuckYourself.com

Buzz · 11-24-2006, 09:29 AM

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1206/ps3.html

Quote:

Hey kids! If your Mom and Dad can't get you a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they won't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves! And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives!) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 3!

...

Quote:

2. Find one of your Mom or Dad's credit cards (a blank check is even better!)

3. Call our church office and we will provide you with simple instructions on how to use your parents' credit card to charge a love offering over the phone. Don't worry if you can't find a credit card. We can teach you how to use one of your daddy's checks to do an automatic draft withdrawal (which will get you free shipping and an extra game disk!)

What a fuckin morons!

bopha · 11-24-2006, 09:42 AM

LandoverBaptist is a great comedy site. I love Betty Bowers myself. She's just too holy.

SlamDesigns · 11-24-2006, 09:53 AM

LOL, there was like a split second where I was getting ready to go into a rage...then I realized it was a joke. Wow, how fucked would that be if it was legit.

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 11-24-2006, 09:55 AM

Sister Betty is the best...here is her take on the Ted Haggard "affair":

I suspect that this will be a rather uncomfortable weekend at the Ted Haggard tax-free mansion. You see, Reverend Haggard is a vociferous spokesperson against gay marriage and, until yesterday, his wife probably had no idea she was actually in one.

Oh, I can hear some of you gals used to being around florists and Governors of New Jersey -- and Texas -- cackling. You think I'm selling the woman's intuition for pushily obvious queenery short. But if Haggard's unblinking congregation could sit and listen to such a liturgical Liberace week after week and not realize they were in the presence of someone who makes Barry Manilow in a full-length mink look butch, they really need to recalibrate their ability to detect prescription-strength doses of flamboyance. Because if you can't tell that Haggard is not just gay, but marabou mules wearing gay, you must have bought your refurbished Gaydar at the same kiosk Tom Cruise got his E-meter.

But before everyone piles on with protestations of shock and awe, allow me to pause for praise where it is due for this man Harper?s claimed to hold more sway over the political direction of evangelicalism than any pastor in America. It is quite clear that Ted Haggard is a man with admirable devotion to the Christian/GOP cause. After all, it must take enormous willpower for a meth-crazed sodomite to remove a penis from his mouth long enough to denounce homosexuality.

Haggard famously claimed that "the only difference between me and George Bush is that Bush drives a Ford and I drive a Chevy." And from what I can tell, this may be the only honest thing the man has said. Let's compare, shall we?

Against gay marriage?

Check.

Fondness for sniffing illegal white powder?

Check.

Association with gay male prostitutes?

Jeff Gannon meet Mike Jones.

But I guess it is no more difficult to be a homosexual who purports to dislike homosexuality than it is to be a strike-first warmonger who purports to follow the Prince of Peace. Indeed, if only lying were a car, instead of a way of approaching the world, maybe one of them would have finally traded it in for something else by now.

But Mr. Haggard shows no more knack for honesty than he does for picking discreet prostitutes. As an evangelical preacher, he is clearly too used to getting up in front of people who believe anything he says to lie convincingly to those still fettered by thought. Indeed, his lying skills are so uproariously amateurish that, frankly, I think he needs some lessons from a pro like Dick Cheney, a man who can say, "I'm not currently saying this" and mean it.

For example, Haggard claims he visited the man he previously had never met simply to get a "massage." The chaste, innocent purpose of this endeavor must explain why he used a pseudonym. (As Marge Davis asked, "Well what is it that they are massaging is what I want to know!").

Haggard is also claiming that he purchased a "first time customers only" introductory sample of crystal meth (meth dealers are notorious for their promotions). But threw it away. This must be our GOP version of the implausibility of "not inhaling," but, in typical Republican fashion, seems rather more blatantly wasteful. Did he not think of the consequences of this lie? Why, poor Nicole Richie is probably combing the side of every road out of Denver for that tiny baggie as I type this. But the talent-free waif searches in vain. Anyone who listens to Haggard's insistent voice messages can tell that this was someone jonesing for a fix, not a mildly curious man given to impromptu middle-age hard-drug experimentation like another 50 year-old might finally try a Mojito. Listen to the recordings: we're talking "Lindsay Lohan down to her last kilo" desperate here.

It's become almost an axiom of American unctuousness that the more preening the public scold, the more inevitable the public scald. A public paradigm usually has a private paramour. Once pompous glutton William Bennett set himself up as an arbitrator of our virtues, it was only a matter of time before the arbitrariness of his own virtues was laid out like a losing twosome in blackjack.

While this type of cynical scorn of one's own words might strike the naïve as galling, there has always been a disconnect between private men and their public protestations. But for the miracle of vote tampering and activist Supreme Court judges, evangelicals would have been as essential to Mr. Bush's election as they like to assume. And every pandering appearance near a cross or coded reference to scripture stuck like a clumsy, phosphorescent Post-It into a State of the Union address reminds us that the President is keenly aware of this perceived debt. But David Kuo, in his book Tempting Fate, tells us that such overt supplication is done with patronizing perfunctoriness. Evangelicals are actually mocked behind their backs at the White House.

The White House might have found this revelation embarrassing if people like Haggard didn't routinely prove that Evangelicals don't take anything they say seriously either. Jim Bakker got caught with his secretary while she still had her own breasts. Jimmy Swaggart got caught in a motel on a urine-stained mattress littered with unsavory streetwalkers. And Paul Crouch had to pay off his gay lover. (Mr. Crouch, appears to have been forgiven, if only because even those most strongly against homosexuality understand the urge to look for sexual outlets that don't involve Jan Crouch being naked.)

Mark Foley campaigned against legalizing gay marriage. Almost inevitably, we then find out that this was probably only because he would never tie the knot with someone old enough to legally marry. Haggard, perhaps in response to how Foley's crude, after-the-fact attempts to link his unacceptable homosexual indiscretion to a perfectly acceptable addiction, was rather smart to have a sex scandal prepackaged with an even better addiction. Well played!

Not to be outdone, Republican candidate for Florida Governor, Attorney General Charlie Crist, much like Ted Haggard, has not allowed his actual participation in homosexuality to get in the way of speaking out against the idea of homosexuality. And, frankly, I'm not sure what more readily impugns his boyfriend Bruce Carlton Jordan's character: being a convicted thief or working for that crazy sex kitten Katherine Harris. But what can you expect from the state that gave us not only the odious Miss Harris but also aquamarine appliances?

While Jesus was appallingly lax in neglecting to mention His disgust with homosexuality, He did take Republicans (for some reason, called Pharisees back then) to task for being hypocrites. As any modern Republican can tell you, Jesus, of course, had it all backwards. Homosexuality is to be despised. And lying (even about despising homosexuality) is just a quirk, something you tell people to get their money or vote. Ask Ted Haggard's best buddy James Dobson.

ADG Webmaster

CaptainHowdy · 11-24-2006, 09:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

!!

SlamDesigns · 11-24-2006, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

Isn't that BoyAlley's motto, as well?

TheLegacy · 11-24-2006, 10:00 AM

you know that site is a joke right?

saw it like 4 years ago and they still continue to make fun of the christians

madawgz · 11-24-2006, 10:01 AM

thats pretty funny

Buzz · 11-24-2006, 10:05 AM

oh shit I took it as a real thing

Kick me I'm stupid

AsianDivaGirlsWebDude · 11-24-2006, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzz

oh shit I took it as a real thing

Kick me I'm stupid

ADG Webmaster

Fluid · 11-24-2006, 02:06 PM

Shavebucks is my personal savior!

Angry Jew Cat - Banned for Life · 11-24-2006, 04:08 PM

landover baptist rocks...
i wa sabout to come in here and fly into another antichristian rage, but now i can only giggle...

woj · 11-24-2006, 04:14 PM

marketsmart · 11-24-2006, 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

ADG Webmaster

that looks like it hurts

Cash · 11-24-2006, 11:52 PM

What a weird thread ...

Spunky · 11-24-2006, 11:53 PM

Jesus is lord!

tony286 · 11-25-2006, 12:08 AM

that site is too funny

11-24-2006, 09:55 AM	#4
AsianDivaGirlsWebDude Purveyor, Fine Asian Porn Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: San Francisco Bay Area Posts: 38,323	Sister Betty is the best...here is her take on the Ted Haggard "affair": I suspect that this will be a rather uncomfortable weekend at the Ted Haggard tax-free mansion. You see, Reverend Haggard is a vociferous spokesperson against gay marriage and, until yesterday, his wife probably had no idea she was actually in one. Oh, I can hear some of you gals used to being around florists and Governors of New Jersey -- and Texas -- cackling. You think I'm selling the woman's intuition for pushily obvious queenery short. But if Haggard's unblinking congregation could sit and listen to such a liturgical Liberace week after week and not realize they were in the presence of someone who makes Barry Manilow in a full-length mink look butch, they really need to recalibrate their ability to detect prescription-strength doses of flamboyance. Because if you can't tell that Haggard is not just gay, but marabou mules wearing gay, you must have bought your refurbished Gaydar at the same kiosk Tom Cruise got his E-meter. But before everyone piles on with protestations of shock and awe, allow me to pause for praise where it is due for this man Harper?s claimed to hold more sway over the political direction of evangelicalism than any pastor in America. It is quite clear that Ted Haggard is a man with admirable devotion to the Christian/GOP cause. After all, it must take enormous willpower for a meth-crazed sodomite to remove a penis from his mouth long enough to denounce homosexuality. Haggard famously claimed that "the only difference between me and George Bush is that Bush drives a Ford and I drive a Chevy." And from what I can tell, this may be the only honest thing the man has said. Let's compare, shall we? Against gay marriage? Check. Fondness for sniffing illegal white powder? Check. Association with gay male prostitutes? Jeff Gannon meet Mike Jones. But I guess it is no more difficult to be a homosexual who purports to dislike homosexuality than it is to be a strike-first warmonger who purports to follow the Prince of Peace. Indeed, if only lying were a car, instead of a way of approaching the world, maybe one of them would have finally traded it in for something else by now. But Mr. Haggard shows no more knack for honesty than he does for picking discreet prostitutes. As an evangelical preacher, he is clearly too used to getting up in front of people who believe anything he says to lie convincingly to those still fettered by thought. Indeed, his lying skills are so uproariously amateurish that, frankly, I think he needs some lessons from a pro like Dick Cheney, a man who can say, "I'm not currently saying this" and mean it. For example, Haggard claims he visited the man he previously had never met simply to get a "massage." The chaste, innocent purpose of this endeavor must explain why he used a pseudonym. (As Marge Davis asked, "Well what is it that they are massaging is what I want to know!"). Haggard is also claiming that he purchased a "first time customers only" introductory sample of crystal meth (meth dealers are notorious for their promotions). But threw it away. This must be our GOP version of the implausibility of "not inhaling," but, in typical Republican fashion, seems rather more blatantly wasteful. Did he not think of the consequences of this lie? Why, poor Nicole Richie is probably combing the side of every road out of Denver for that tiny baggie as I type this. But the talent-free waif searches in vain. Anyone who listens to Haggard's insistent voice messages can tell that this was someone jonesing for a fix, not a mildly curious man given to impromptu middle-age hard-drug experimentation like another 50 year-old might finally try a Mojito. Listen to the recordings: we're talking "Lindsay Lohan down to her last kilo" desperate here. It's become almost an axiom of American unctuousness that the more preening the public scold, the more inevitable the public scald. A public paradigm usually has a private paramour. Once pompous glutton William Bennett set himself up as an arbitrator of our virtues, it was only a matter of time before the arbitrariness of his own virtues was laid out like a losing twosome in blackjack. While this type of cynical scorn of one's own words might strike the naïve as galling, there has always been a disconnect between private men and their public protestations. But for the miracle of vote tampering and activist Supreme Court judges, evangelicals would have been as essential to Mr. Bush's election as they like to assume. And every pandering appearance near a cross or coded reference to scripture stuck like a clumsy, phosphorescent Post-It into a State of the Union address reminds us that the President is keenly aware of this perceived debt. But David Kuo, in his book Tempting Fate, tells us that such overt supplication is done with patronizing perfunctoriness. Evangelicals are actually mocked behind their backs at the White House. The White House might have found this revelation embarrassing if people like Haggard didn't routinely prove that Evangelicals don't take anything they say seriously either. Jim Bakker got caught with his secretary while she still had her own breasts. Jimmy Swaggart got caught in a motel on a urine-stained mattress littered with unsavory streetwalkers. And Paul Crouch had to pay off his gay lover. (Mr. Crouch, appears to have been forgiven, if only because even those most strongly against homosexuality understand the urge to look for sexual outlets that don't involve Jan Crouch being naked.) Mark Foley campaigned against legalizing gay marriage. Almost inevitably, we then find out that this was probably only because he would never tie the knot with someone old enough to legally marry. Haggard, perhaps in response to how Foley's crude, after-the-fact attempts to link his unacceptable homosexual indiscretion to a perfectly acceptable addiction, was rather smart to have a sex scandal prepackaged with an even better addiction. Well played! Not to be outdone, Republican candidate for Florida Governor, Attorney General Charlie Crist, much like Ted Haggard, has not allowed his actual participation in homosexuality to get in the way of speaking out against the idea of homosexuality. And, frankly, I'm not sure what more readily impugns his boyfriend Bruce Carlton Jordan's character: being a convicted thief or working for that crazy sex kitten Katherine Harris. But what can you expect from the state that gave us not only the odious Miss Harris but also aquamarine appliances? While Jesus was appallingly lax in neglecting to mention His disgust with homosexuality, He did take Republicans (for some reason, called Pharisees back then) to task for being hypocrites. As any modern Republican can tell you, Jesus, of course, had it all backwards. Homosexuality is to be despised. And lying (even about despising homosexuality) is just a quirk, something you tell people to get their money or vote. Ask Ted Haggard's best buddy James Dobson. ADG Webmaster __________________ Asian Diva Girls - Exclusive Photos and Videos Asian Diva Girls Affiliate Program (50% ccBill Revshare) Last edited by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude; 11-24-2006 at 09:58 AM..

11-24-2006, 10:00 AM	#7
TheLegacy SEO Connoisseur Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Brantford, Ontario Posts: 16,917	you know that site is a joke right? saw it like 4 years ago and they still continue to make fun of the christians __________________ SEO Connoisseur Microsoft Teams: Robert Warren SEO Telegram: @TheLegacy54 RobertWarrenSEO.com

11-24-2006, 10:01 AM	#8
madawgz 8.8.8.8 Industry Role: Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Noordermarkt Posts: 30,509	thats pretty funny __________________ TAEMDLRMSKRJIXMRLSMRJ.

11-24-2006, 04:14 PM	#13
woj <&(©¿©)&> Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Chicago Posts: 47,882	__________________ Custom Software Development, email: woj#at#wojfun#.#com to discuss details or skype: wojl2000 or gchat: wojfun or telegram: wojl2000 Affiliate program tools: Hosted Galleries Manager Banner Manager Video Manager Wordpress Affiliate Plugin Pic/Movie of the Day Fansign Generator Zip Manager

11-24-2006, 11:52 PM	#15
Cash Click on my TCG signature Join Date: Feb 2002 Posts: 20,825	What a weird thread ... __________________ $9.95/month for 15000 GB bandwidth monthly, unlimited (sub)domains and MySQL5, PHP4/5, 500 GB disk storage! ; use any of these invitation codes: 216263692101; 408636009193; 846090586647; my ICQ 30160426!

11-24-2006, 09:42 AM	#2
bopha Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2002 Posts: 1,882	LandoverBaptist is a great comedy site. I love Betty Bowers myself. She's just too holy.

11-24-2006, 09:53 AM	#3
SlamDesigns Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2,339	LOL, there was like a split second where I was getting ready to go into a rage...then I realized it was a joke. Wow, how fucked would that be if it was legit.

11-24-2006, 10:05 AM	#9
Buzz Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 1,908	oh shit I took it as a real thing Kick me I'm stupid

11-24-2006, 02:06 PM	#11
Fluid Confirmed User Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Toronto Canada Posts: 380	Shavebucks is my personal savior!

11-24-2006, 04:08 PM	#12
Angry Jew Cat - Banned for Life (felis madjewicus) Industry Role: Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: In Mom & Dad's Basement Posts: 20,368	landover baptist rocks... i wa sabout to come in here and fly into another antichristian rage, but now i can only giggle...

11-24-2006, 11:53 PM	#16
Spunky I need a beer Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: ♠ Toiletville ♠ Posts: 133,940	Jesus is lord! __________________ *YOUR INFORMATION HERE*

11-25-2006, 12:08 AM	#17
tony286 lurker Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: atlanta Posts: 57,021	that site is too funny