Christmas In Louisiana

[dougeetx]

Day 1:

Dear Boudreaux,
Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las'
night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will
grow in de swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.
Marie


Day 2:

Dear Boudreaux,
You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I
got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with
andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Marie


Day 3:

Dear Boudreaux,
Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating
dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French
chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed
the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some
sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Marie


Day 4:

Dear Boudreaux,
Mon Dieux! I tol you no more xxxxx birds. Deez four,
what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you
could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used
dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of
dem to de gators.
Marie


Day 5:

Dear Boudreaux,
You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden
rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux
and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat
an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge.
Merci Beaucoup!
Marie


Day 6:

Dear Boudreaux,
Couchon! Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg
suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses.
He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah
his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I
may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas
day.
Marie


Day 7:

Dear Boudreaux,
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde
from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He
afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and suehim good.
I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and
some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of
de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Marie


Day 8:

Dear Boudreaux,
Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his
mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their
cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and
almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless
maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish
and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair
contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin
nutrias I caught las night.
Marie


Day 9:

Dear Boudreaux,
What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the
Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call
Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots
here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know
what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get
Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm
gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried
nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip geens.
Marie


Day 10:

Dear Boudreaux,
You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill
you,I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid
floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies
Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose
Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit
by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to
butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get
toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer
dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
Marie


Day 11:

Dear Boudreaux,
Where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping
arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining
as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and
beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do. Da new
mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de
floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge
yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a
mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
Marie


Day 12:

Dear Boudreaux,
I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore,
no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque,
de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and
gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me,
Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de
Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de
maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta
set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my
shrimping business. We will probably gross a million
nex year.
Marie

[DeadFidel]

I honestly tried. I hope it gets better, looks like a lot of work.

[who]

Nope, can't get past first line.