It took two years, but I'm over it (some pics and some words)

[newbreed]

Fuck it, I'm over it.

Two years ago, I started a downward spiraling trend in my life, fueled by depression, rage, hate, and anger. I told myself everyday, that that day would be the day I turned it around and changed.

It never worked.

For one reason or another, I let shit get in my way, constantly felt sorry for myself, and hid behind excuses, alcohol, and at some points drugs.

I lived paycheck to paycheck (which is ridiculous considering I make pretty good money), still do some weeks, and I am working on that too, and that never helped.

I realise now, that I would do anything to sabatogue myself, afraid of success, needed pain to live each day. When it got too bad, no problem, more alcohol, more pills, just pass out as fast as I could to not have to deal with it. Needed friends? No problem there either, a few rounds at the club and I had a harem.

I let some people down, that added to it as well. I carried guilt from many years of depression and anger, never feeling like I could let it go. I abused privalidges granted to me, and once I was so far gone, never bothered to try to fix it, because I figured/knew those people just gave up on me.

I've had million dollar ideas, and pissed them away, purely because I had no motivation or confidence, and certainly not the courage to make things happen.

I know what I'm good at, and I know now I am headed in the right direction to get back on the right track toward success.

Broken hearted, over and over, because I tried so hard to make things work with new relationships, that I overdid it most of the time, and then couldn't accept it when I got rejected. That was probably the worst part (and most weeks still is). I needed so badly to feel wanted, to be loved, for someone to not just want to take advantage of me, that I was often blinded by my own actions.

I've had many many good times too, had a lot of really fun experiences, and I will always hold those memories close.

I have to give all of the credit for those times to Tom and Tracy, and (believe it or not) Arika sometimes, who through it all, never gave up on me, and have always been there to help and listen.

Those of you who know me, and that I've seen over the last couple of years at shows or events, know I am a genuine, usually fun-loving, and selfless person, and I am, that was always really me. I would do anything to make people smile or laugh, no matter the cost, breaking myself constantly to try to do the right thing, and show people a good time.

I talk to a lot of you on a daily basis. I've done a lot of business with you all, and appreciate everyone who always looked past my drama and lifestyle and we just got stuff done together.

Anyway, where this is all going...

6 weeks ago, in an alcoholic and anger filled episode (yeah, over a girl, as always, heh), I fell through a plate glass window. Severed the bracial artery in my right arm, the nerves that control everything below my right elbow, and about a third of the way through my bicep.

As I went into and came out of shock, I remembered everyone in my life I never apologized to, and immediately wanted to make ammends, for real this time, and for good.

There was however, a problem, I couldn't dial my phone, drive myself to the hospital, talk, think, and survive, all at the same time.

Poor Arika, was the only call I could make connect (thank goodness for the "Favorites" thing on iPhones, she was at the top of the list!) I ended up dropping my phone in the center console, it was too bloody to hold on to anymore. The connection was still open, and I was screaming what I thought were my last words. She had to listen to me beg God for my life, and at one point, the phone on her end went dead.

I am not a real religious guy, but I am spiritual. And I swore, if I could just make it to the ER, I would make things right in my life, even if it meant starting from the bottom.

So I guess that's where I feel like I am at right now, the bottom.

The good news is, I am more confident and strong than ever, and I am ready to come back out publicly in the industry and make the same good contributions I used to (well, tried too anyway...lol)

The last six weeks have been an up and down rollercoaster of events that have pushed and tested me to my physical, emotional, and psychological limits, and I am tired of not having control.

I'm back.

Some of you I understand will be skeptical, that's cool, I deserve that. Most of you will have forgave and forgot, that's cool too.

I know who I owe what, it's not that much, and not that bad, and I am working on making those things right daily.

I just want to say, tha GFY has historically been good to me, and I want to be part of the community again, and this is day one of that, I've had my last cry, for good.

I also want to say thank you to Tom especially, thanks for being a great friend, bodd, and surrogate father, I love you man.

Thanks for reading.

Here are some pics of the accident...


The window I went through was in this storm door (never realised it was not plexi-glass)...



This was the point I knew something was seriously wrong, I felt a warm rush of liquid coming down my side...



The shorts I had on. This was before I got a torniquet on my arm (about one minute after the accident)



Passenger side of the truck, this was after I couldnt drive anymore, I becamse disoriented as far as getting to the hospital, but amazingly, I was able to find the club my buddy was working at haha...



Drivers-side, console was covered, this was really hard to see 2 days later when they brought the truck home...



Blood literally leaked out of the passenger side door on to the running board.

[_Richard_]

dude wtf

[baddog]

You would make a lousy murderer. Too much evidence.

Good seeing you again and do tell Arika I said hi. Do miss her cute smile.

[Manowar]

That is a SERIOUS amount of blood, your lucky to have survived that kind of thing... especially when drunk.

God must be smiling on you

[klaze]

Hoooolyy shit dude!

I am sure we all hope as much as you do that this is the real shocker that will set you straight.

You should really go TALK to a professional if it is that out of hand.

[SifuE]

Man God Bless you and I hope only the best wishes for you.

[who]

Congratulations on your recovery.

[stickyfingerz]

Wow glad to hear you are still alive after that. Keep strong man.

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by baddog

You would make a lousy murderer. Too much evidence.

Good seeing you again and do tell Arika I said hi. Do miss her cute smile.

It's funny you say that, the Police showed up the next day because the amount of blood all over the siding, front door (that picture was taken AFTER the door and siding was hosed down), and driveway.

The girl I was seeing at the time mis-dialed a phone number and left a message, histerical, on an older ladies answering machine. The message was something like, "There is blood everywhere, I don't know where you are, I have blood all over me, and I don't know what to do!"

So when they broke the phone number (she used my home phone to also call 911) they showed up, think one of the two of us cut the other one up. It was an hour of walking them through the "crime scene"...lol

Oh, Arika says Hi back, I told her you said Hi in Vegas

[pornguy]

Well. you will never sell that truck.

Me, I would burn the fucker and start over fresh.

[mrkris]

you're still a douche

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Manowar

That is a SERIOUS amount of blood, your lucky to have survived that kind of thing... especially when drunk.

God must be smiling on you

They said I lost over 3 pints, but I am not sure how they came to that conclusion.

I do know when I got to the ER, the trauma surgeon wouldn't transfuse me because I was losing it so fast. They felt until they had the artery repaired (it retracted up in to my arm, they had to dig between my skin and bicep to find it and clamp it) I would just bleed it back out.

The other factor is my heart rate never dropped below 152 for over 2 hours. I have really high blood pressure anyway, that didn't help. They told me unless I dropped below 120, I was going to surgery. Believe me, that calmed my ass way down, I wasn't ready for surgery!

Instead they pumped 5 bags of various other fluids through me to keep me going. I never actually passed out. At some point, laying in that bed, I looked at him and just told him I trusted him, I knew where I was and was aware of what was going on, and just please fix me.

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by mrkris

you're still a douche

I know, but now I am a much happier more focused douce

[Chris]

that is stupid amount of blood
good lord

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by pornguy

Well. you will never sell that truck.

Me, I would burn the fucker and start over fresh.

I got most of it out. The worst part was the blood pools in the center console area. The one where you see the top of that Tommy bottle was almost 2 inches of still-wet blood, two days later.

The truck sat in the sun for 2 days before I could get out of bed and do anything with it.

The plastic was easy, the seats came almost clean, but need to really just be replaced. Working on that...

[tony286]

Man glad you made it and had a moment of clarity. some people never have that moment.

[Profits of Doom]

Wow, I don't get on here much lately, but I decided to today and this was the first post I saw. You and I have been through a ton together, and I have at different times called you my best friend, and later cursed you as an enemy. We have both witnessed each other's ups and downs and have been there for each other at times, only to abandon each other at critical points when we both could have used the support.

There are still stupid grudges I hold, as I'm sure there are a few that you hold, too. But that doesn't change the fact that I will always care about you as a friend and wish that things could have been different. We pissed away a lot of million dollar ideas together, and I can only imagine what could have been had we not let our demons take over.

I am in a lot better place now than the last time I saw you, when we were both so drugged up we were like two strangers to each other. I truly hope that you find that same peace, Bill...

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Chris

that is stupid amount of blood
good lord

MySpace pulled some of them, they said I cannot post "gory or violent" images, but those I do have up there are not including the rest of the driveway, the street, and the front of the house before we hosed it down.

I know I was very fortunate, I know.

There are some more in the "Oops" album on my profile -

http://www.myspace.com/lavishmodeling

[Phil]

congrats. you're still alive. lay off the bottle bro.

[Trixie]

I don't understand how you "fell through" that window. Or maybe I just don't drink enough to visualize it.

[NickPapageorgio]

What don't kill you makes you stronger bro. ;) Good to see you working your life out Bill.

[RevengeBucks_Monica]

Wow, that's quite an accident! If you can take this and move forward, it's worth it. I know that I spent a similar amount of time in a similar dark place... even though I knew that somewhere inside me, I had what it took to make the right decisions, I was somehow doing the wrong thing again and again. I felt like my arms were tied down at my sides and someone else was driving the bus.

It feels SO good when you finally start doing the right things, the things you KNOW will help you get better. And life gets oh so damned delicious.

[tranza]

Good you are still alive man!!

[czarina]

glad to see you made it OK and that you're ready to turn your life around. Congrats!

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Trixie

I don't understand how you "fell through" that window. Or maybe I just don't drink enough to visualize it.

Let me clarify that...

I was pissed. My girl and I were arguing over her keys (she was WAY more wasted than I was) and cell phone. I had hidden her keys, and she left her cell phone at one of the many clubs we had been to that night.

In an attempt to calm her down, I told her I would go tear the truck apart to look for it, for the 3rd time.

The latch on my front door sticks, it had done that 1000 times, and I was just always to lazt to fix it.

This one time, I hit the glass at just the right speed and velocity to actually break the glass.

Because I was moving so fast forward, I went through the window, and skewered myself on the remaining glass in the frame.

It was a freak accident, at just the wrong time.

[The Duck]

Oh shit!½

[Peaches]

Damn, glad you were able to get some help!!

And if it makes you feel any better, even though I know it was a tough decision, a little black dog is spoiled rotten instead of possibly being put down at a humane society because you made the right decision

[newbreed]

Let me also clarify, that I was not a raging drunk or anything.

I was a funny fucker, usually always.

People LOVED it when I came out to play. I even had a set of 14 rules that everyone around me knew, we were at one point going to have shirts made.

It's nothing to brag about, but I was the official mascot for 3 clubs downtown.

I knew all the cops from working CBD with Dayton PD for years, so I was for a long period pretty much untouchable.

My best friends are all over 6 foot, some close to 7, and are built like brick shithouses. No one would come near me, even if I offended them.

I was very lucky, and very loved.

In the fun times, there was nothing I could not do.

It's only when it went bad, usually over a girl, that things got out of control.

That was the hardest part, letting go of that.

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Peaches

Damn, glad you were able to get some help!!

And if it makes you feel any better, even though I know it was a tough decision, a little black dog is spoiled rotten instead of possibly being put down at a humane society because you made the right decision

One of the best decisions I have ever made, that I will never regret.

Thank you

[RevSand]

Good to have ya back man.... Much love!!

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Profits of Doom

Wow, I don't get on here much lately, but I decided to today and this was the first post I saw. You and I have been through a ton together, and I have at different times called you my best friend, and later cursed you as an enemy. We have both witnessed each other's ups and downs and have been there for each other at times, only to abandon each other at critical points when we both could have used the support.

There are still stupid grudges I hold, as I'm sure there are a few that you hold, too. But that doesn't change the fact that I will always care about you as a friend and wish that things could have been different. We pissed away a lot of million dollar ideas together, and I can only imagine what could have been had we not let our demons take over.

I am in a lot better place now than the last time I saw you, when we were both so drugged up we were like two strangers to each other. I truly hope that you find that same peace, Bill...

I couldn't have said most of that better myself.

You were always there for me man, and most of the time I was too fucking blind to see it.

I hope one day I can give back everything you have done, and tried to do for me.

You're forever my Brother Louis, and I'm glad to hear you are doing so well again!

[Pete-KT]

Glad you are ok bill

[KRosh]

I saw you for a quick pass in Vegas - Almost did not recognize you

Glad to see you are still alive - Everyone makes mistakes in life not everyone admits to them.

You are one step ahead of the pack. Good luck and glad to see you are ready to make changes.

[Trixxxia]

Good to hear you're ok and making positive changes!

[NickPapageorgio]

And actually, my brother did that EXACT same thing a few years ago Bill lol. He was drunk out of his mind and a bad alcoholic at the time. Looking back, he says that he was drinking and drugging in hopes that he'd kill himself. He fell through some chicks front screen door and cut that exact same artery. The hospital said that the only thing that really kept him alive was the fact that he was SO drunk. His blood was thinned out a lot. He's got one hell of a nasty fuckin scar from it though. Now he sings in the choir at church. Go figure.

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Pete-KT

Glad you are ok bill

Thanks Pete.

I miss our late night cybering!

Originally Posted by KRosh

I saw you for a quick pass in Vegas - Almost did not recognize you

Glad to see you are still alive - Everyone makes mistakes in life not everyone admits to them.

You are one step ahead of the pack. Good luck and glad to see you are ready to make changes.

It was a pleasure seeing you out there, it's been a long time.

I made mistakes, countless ones, knowing I was doing it, and doing it anyway.

I let other shit take over my life, because I felt I couldn't make it without some level of drama or bullshit in my life to live for.

A week ago, I came to Tom, and I just let it all go. I admitted I had some issues, and as always, he didn't judge me, yell at me, and for God's sake, as many times as he should have, fhe didn't fire me.

Instead he hugged me, told me to pull my head out of my ass, it he would be there no matter what. He told me too many people love me and I have so many things going for me, and let's just stop pissing them away, and turn it around.

For some reason, it clicked this time.

I believed in him, and I believe in myself now again, and that made the difference.

[Sly]

Look down.

That's the bottom.

Look up.

Raise your left arm. Grab the rung.

Raise your right. Squeeze.

Don't stop.

[El Mega]

Welcome Back Buddy!
I was starting to think I was Umma Thurman trying to hunt down Señor Bill.

We're both in much better places now and we can start doing some more biz again.
Bravo sir, bravo!

[Agent 488]

good luck.

[Elli]

I'm glad you're turning things around. Sometimes a person has to find absolute bottom before they are able to see the possibility of change and hope. Good luck in your recovery!

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Sly

Look down.

That's the bottom.

Look up.

Raise your left arm. Grab the rung.

Raise your right. Squeeze.

Don't stop.

Exactly, although not a lot of pressure on the right arm yet...lol

Originally Posted by El Mega

Welcome Back Buddy!
I was starting to think I was Umma Thurman trying to hunt down Señor Bill.

We're both in much better places now and we can start doing some more biz again.
Bravo sir, bravo!

Hey Buddy, we need to revisit a lot of stuff we talked about before, definitely a lot of things we can make happen together!

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by RevSand

Good to have ya back man.... Much love!!

It's always a pleasure seeing you man.

I un-benched myself, look out

[Cyndalie]

Hope this turn is all for the better. I try to remember that you get what you give, being positive or putting thoughts in constructive ways may result in less thread views but you can be a happier person for it. Hope your recovery is full, physically and mentally.

[klaze]

Originally Posted by newbreed

Let me clarify that...

I was pissed. My girl and I were arguing over her keys (she was WAY more wasted than I was) and cell phone. I had hidden her keys, and she left her cell phone at one of the many clubs we had been to that night.

In an attempt to calm her down, I told her I would go tear the truck apart to look for it, for the 3rd time.

The latch on my front door sticks, it had done that 1000 times, and I was just always to lazt to fix it.

This one time, I hit the glass at just the right speed and velocity to actually break the glass.

Because I was moving so fast forward, I went through the window, and skewered myself on the remaining glass in the frame.

It was a freak accident, at just the wrong time.

Fuck I can imagine doing that drunk no problem forget about being in a rage heh.
I've walked through half a dozen screen doors. and you can see those!

[Lia19]

OMG glad you are okay! luv you lots! be careful

[tical]

Wow, sorry to hear those hard times lasted so long for you... I witnessed a lot of it begin. Glad to hear things are turning around for you.

Let me know if you need my address. I would love to wrap things up and move on, even if we don't chat like we used to. You know what I'm talking about.

Take it easy.

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Cyndalie

Hope this turn is all for the better. I try to remember that you get what you give, being positive or putting thoughts in constructive ways may result in less thread views but you can be a happier person for it. Hope your recovery is full, physically and mentally.

Thank you very much.

I realise I have no limits to my own happiness, I control that, no one else, ever again.

[D-man]

I'm really glad your okay - Wasn't till we actually met in person that I realized I liked you. The person is way cooler then the persona I knew of online but then again there was an influence on my side of that rocky start. We have all had are up's and downs and I'm sure glad Tom was there for you, he's a good egg. Hey I'm always here for you since it's local ; ) - Shouldn't be to hard to find me

Hummm - A lot I could say, Like I told you so, but I didn't tell you so that's not going to work! I did see it coming - I Know the whole story and I think for once I'll just leave it at "no comment" about how you got there!

Did warn one of you involved that the rocket to the top is amazing but just watch how you ride it cause the way down's a real bitch and sometimes the landing can kill you!

Actually I told him not to fuck his friends on the way up but yeah that's another story!

[LexiLexxx]

Wow man,

I really hope everything works out for you, do you plan to seek any professional help? Even if it's just to keep your spirts up, keep you on the right track? You've been through one crazy ride man.
My heart goes out to you for making the decision to CHANGE your life, your in control! You can fight off stress and depression through exersise, eat better and start to take your million dollar ideas serious. Women and alcohol don't mix. Now that you have decided to make the biggest choice of your life, it's time to get back on your horse and cowboy up.
I hope all works out for you!!!
Wishing you to be healthy and wise.

[newbreed]

Originally Posted by Lia19

OMG glad you are okay! luv you lots! be careful

Love you too Luv Bug!

You were always my little passion basket!!!