The fastest turkey I ever cooked. - GoFuckYourself.com

baddog · 11-21-2007, 08:23 PM

As I mentally prepare to barbecue another Thanksgiving turkey, I am reminded of the fastest turkey I ever cooked.

I believe it was 1994, one of my buddies up north was having a "Biker's Thanksgiving Feast" so my girlfriend, my son and I headed up to St. Helena for the festivities.

Traffic sucked and what should have been an 8 hour drive turned into a 14 hour drive. After a couple of hours sleep I was informed that there were three turkeys to cook, and I was being assigned one of them, and that I was to barbecue it.

Normally I would be eager to take on this task, but then again, normally I would use my Weber Kettle. Instead, I was given this small rectangular thing that had a glass window in the front of the hood for easy inspection. I figured it was just a challenge and with some effort it could be done.

When barbecuing a turkey you must use the indirect heat method, which means you put a drip pan under the bird, with charcoal surrounding it. As the drippings are great for basting the bird the drip pan must have some sturdy sides so it can catch them. Bust the results are great.

Another issue when barbecuing is that every hour you need to add more charcoal to keep the heat going. This barbecue wasn't going to make life easy, but there were plenty of hands around, so I figured it wouldn't be much trouble.

It was a rainy day, so I set the barbecue on the patio, under the fiberglass and wood cover. Fired up the charcoal, got the temp up, and put the bird on the grill . . . so far so good.

An hour passed and it was time to add more charcoal and retrieve drippings from the pan to use for basting.

As I said, this barbecue wasn't going to make these tasks easy as I had to actually remove the grill in order to get to the drippings and add the new charcoal.

The plan was a friend would lift the turkey off the grill and I would quickly lift the grill enough to add the charcoal then get the turkey baster to suck up the juices. This shouldn't take more than a minute.

So, my buddy picks up the bird, I lift the grill and add the charcoal, this is working great. My buddy puts the bird back on the grill while we prepare for part two, retrieving the drippings.

The turkey is lifted again and I go in with the baster. Now, if you have ever used a baster you might remember that frequently when you suck juices into it, some will shoot out while you attempt to get the thing vertical. Well, that happened here.

A little juice squirted out and hit the hot coals. Immediately a huge flame erupted, which actually ignited whatever juice was still in the drip pan. We figured we would just put the turkey back on the grill and close the hood. The lack of oxygen would take care of the flames.

Nice theory.

Remember the glass inspection window? Well, that thing blew out pretty much as soon as the hood closed. Flames came shooting out searing the wood and beginning to melt the fiberglass roof.

Eventually the grease drippings burned away and the flames receded. I opened the hood to see what was left of the bird.

To say that the outer skin of the turkey was charred would be putting it mildly. However, when we pealed that off we were pleasantly surprised to discover that the inner meat was pretty moist and quite succulent.

The stuffing wasn't exactly what I had planned on, but the bird was pretty damn good. Total cooking time for a 20 pound turkey was about 65 minutes.

tony286 · 11-21-2007, 08:28 PM

damn it was like cooking with a blow touch. lol

baddog · 11-21-2007, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tony404

damn it was like cooking with a blow touch. lol

A big blow torch.

Zuzana Designs · 11-21-2007, 08:29 PM

long read but thats a fast cooking bird

BSleazy · 11-21-2007, 08:35 PM

That's pretty funny.

Deej · 11-21-2007, 09:01 PM

nice...

i always wanted to try one of those beer can barbeque birds...

Shagbunny · 11-21-2007, 09:39 PM

65 minutes for a 20 pound bird? whoa

baddog · 11-26-2008, 04:29 PM

bump for memories

Qbert · 11-26-2008, 05:29 PM

We usually deep-fry our turkey, Louisiana style. It takes about 45 minutes for a 12 lb bird.

geedub · 11-26-2008, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deej

nice...

i always wanted to try one of those beer can barbeque birds...

they're amazing

JFK · 11-26-2008, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Qbert

We usually deep-fry our turkey, Louisiana style. It takes about 45 minutes for a 12 lb bird.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm deep fired turkey

J. Falcon · 11-26-2008, 06:56 PM

Baddog I must admit you're a great storyteller.

11-21-2007, 08:23 PM	#1
baddog So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: the beach, SoCal Posts: 107,090	The fastest turkey I ever cooked. As I mentally prepare to barbecue another Thanksgiving turkey, I am reminded of the fastest turkey I ever cooked. I believe it was 1994, one of my buddies up north was having a "Biker's Thanksgiving Feast" so my girlfriend, my son and I headed up to St. Helena for the festivities. Traffic sucked and what should have been an 8 hour drive turned into a 14 hour drive. After a couple of hours sleep I was informed that there were three turkeys to cook, and I was being assigned one of them, and that I was to barbecue it. Normally I would be eager to take on this task, but then again, normally I would use my Weber Kettle. Instead, I was given this small rectangular thing that had a glass window in the front of the hood for easy inspection. I figured it was just a challenge and with some effort it could be done. When barbecuing a turkey you must use the indirect heat method, which means you put a drip pan under the bird, with charcoal surrounding it. As the drippings are great for basting the bird the drip pan must have some sturdy sides so it can catch them. Bust the results are great. Another issue when barbecuing is that every hour you need to add more charcoal to keep the heat going. This barbecue wasn't going to make life easy, but there were plenty of hands around, so I figured it wouldn't be much trouble. It was a rainy day, so I set the barbecue on the patio, under the fiberglass and wood cover. Fired up the charcoal, got the temp up, and put the bird on the grill . . . so far so good. An hour passed and it was time to add more charcoal and retrieve drippings from the pan to use for basting. As I said, this barbecue wasn't going to make these tasks easy as I had to actually remove the grill in order to get to the drippings and add the new charcoal. The plan was a friend would lift the turkey off the grill and I would quickly lift the grill enough to add the charcoal then get the turkey baster to suck up the juices. This shouldn't take more than a minute. So, my buddy picks up the bird, I lift the grill and add the charcoal, this is working great. My buddy puts the bird back on the grill while we prepare for part two, retrieving the drippings. The turkey is lifted again and I go in with the baster. Now, if you have ever used a baster you might remember that frequently when you suck juices into it, some will shoot out while you attempt to get the thing vertical. Well, that happened here. A little juice squirted out and hit the hot coals. Immediately a huge flame erupted, which actually ignited whatever juice was still in the drip pan. We figured we would just put the turkey back on the grill and close the hood. The lack of oxygen would take care of the flames. Nice theory. Remember the glass inspection window? Well, that thing blew out pretty much as soon as the hood closed. Flames came shooting out searing the wood and beginning to melt the fiberglass roof. Eventually the grease drippings burned away and the flames receded. I opened the hood to see what was left of the bird. To say that the outer skin of the turkey was charred would be putting it mildly. However, when we pealed that off we were pleasantly surprised to discover that the inner meat was pretty moist and quite succulent. The stuffing wasn't exactly what I had planned on, but the bird was pretty damn good. Total cooking time for a 20 pound turkey was about 65 minutes.

11-21-2007, 08:29 PM	#4
Zuzana Designs All Your Design Needs Industry Role: Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: [email protected] Posts: 20,789	long read but thats a fast cooking bird __________________ Website Design - Consulting - Development sarah [at] zuzanadesigns.com - See Our Work Need a SFW landing page or tour for age verification?

11-21-2007, 08:35 PM	#5
BSleazy Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: USA Posts: 6,721	That's pretty funny. __________________ icq 156131086

11-21-2007, 09:01 PM	#6
Deej I make pixels work Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: I live here... Posts: 24,386	nice... i always wanted to try one of those beer can barbeque birds... __________________ Deej's Designs n' What Not Hit me up for Design, CSS & Photo Retouching Icq#30096880

11-26-2008, 06:56 PM	#12
J. Falcon www.AdultCopywriters.com Industry Role: Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 31,563	Baddog I must admit you're a great storyteller. __________________ Adult Copywriters SEO Content for Porn Sites sales at adultcopywriters dot com

11-21-2007, 08:28 PM	#2
tony286 lurker Industry Role: Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: atlanta Posts: 57,021	damn it was like cooking with a blow touch. lol

11-21-2007, 09:39 PM	#7
Shagbunny Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: wut Posts: 3,028	65 minutes for a 20 pound bird? whoa

11-26-2008, 04:29 PM	#8
baddog So Fucking Banned Industry Role: Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: the beach, SoCal Posts: 107,090	bump for memories

11-26-2008, 05:29 PM	#9
Qbert Confirmed User Industry Role: Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Dark Side of the Moon Posts: 813	We usually deep-fry our turkey, Louisiana style. It takes about 45 minutes for a 12 lb bird.