How Little Peeps Know About Australia and the Fanous Aussie Sense of Humor .....
 

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, and let me tell you, these are people I want working for me !!!!

Enjoy ...

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?(Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

IF YOU DO NOT GET ANY OF THE JOKES ABOVE YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BE AUSTRALIAN OR EVER HAVE VISITED THERE.






EITHER THAT OR YOU ARE AMERICAN.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

HAHAHAHA.. that is a good one

HAHAHAHA.. that is a good one

those australians are evil people, right after i stop canadia from trying to invade us i will then focus my attention to the aussies:mad: :mad:

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

hehe those are awesome :)

Good stuff mate. Yes, the Aussie humor is legendary. :thumbsup

americans EVERY year - several a week - mid july in 100 degree heat - cross the boarder in cars expecting to see snow in canada the moment they cross the border.

i have friends that work as border guards - this happens ALL THE TIME.


SAD

HAHAHAHA that is brilliant.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

I have laid a cunning trap for you Izzy.

Jagermeister vendors and topless beaches.

You won't make it to the sand dunes.

:winkwink: :thumbsup :1orglaugh :pimp

Will the Dingos Eat ma bay-be? :Oh crap

I just dont understand how the penquins stay cool, and the igloos dont melt. :Oh crap

No, we sacrifice foreign babies at dawn to the god of beer on every day ending in "y".

YOU, we will feed to the dingos.

:winkwink: :thumbsup :1orglaugh :pimp

lol...lots of funny stuff :thumbsup

:Oh crap :Oh crap :Oh crap :1orglaugh

We sent the prostitutes and convicts to one country and the religious nutters to another. Even with no knowledge of history you could guess which country received which type of undesirable! :1orglaugh

The only things bad about Australia are that too much of the wildlife can do you serious harm and they can't play cricket! :) Have to love 'em otherwise.

England wins ONE series in FIFTEEN YEARS and suddenly Aussie can't play cricket?

FYI, since the last Ashes series, the Poms have one 4 out of 12 test matches while the Aussies have nailed 9 out of 11.

Oz has dominated World cricket so much in the last 15 years, it gets boring.

:pimp :thumbsup :pimp :thumbsup

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

I was waiting for that reply :) As it only happens once every 15 years we have to make the most of it!

To be honest I'm hoping we lose this year. That way I get to see it next year as Old Trafford is only a few miles away :)

Talking of Aussies Rolf Harris has just appeared on my TV. I'm not sure whether you love or hate the guy over there but you gotta be honest - he could only be an Aussie! :)

/me whistles the Jake the Peg tune....

I think we are relatively lucky in Australia.

We were brought up on American and English comedies and of course in society we got the Aussie sense of humour.

When I was in the U.S. for Internext in 2003 it was really easy to find American humour funny.

However the otherside of the supply and demand coin means that hardly anybody understands the Aussie venacular, loaded with superlatives and colloquialisms, meatphors, analogies and dry whitted cutting sardonic wish it was directed at me, the sort of humor that can even leave a man giant gaping there with his mouth open or laughing untill he cries. :1orglaqugh

We have neighbours! It's like a crash course on some of the Aussie slang!

Damn - I just realised that I've admitted to having watched neighbours in the past :(

He he

I also LOVE the English sense of humor at times... it is more subtle and refined when done well ....

After you bastards won the Ashes, the British Post Office issued a commemorative 75p stamp.

No prizes for guessing what it costs and therefore what stamp goes on the envelope for any standard letter, card or postcard to be sent to Australia ....

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Rolf Harris is a Pommy.

He was born in the UK and raised in Australia.

I believe he still has a UK Passport which is why he was able to saunter back over the big pond when we got sick of him here.

he he he he he eh eh

;-)

Funny stuff, mate

I just need to have a trip there with you in charge one day!


Mr. Romance

Quoted for the truth

Watch this space mate.

Planning well advanced.

:thumbsup

We never see any Rolf Harris stuff here - I think he was bigger in the UK than here anyways.

great - exactly my type of humor. i should go over and visit

LOL I forgot about that cultural nightmare of a clinical cardboard cut out pretending to act like Aussies altho as far as the language goes they are fairly accurate with most of it.

I think the average Aussie is a lot more chilled than the neighbours stereotypes.

I have watched neighbours too. :helpme

True. But our injuries are the reason for us no winning tests. + a long tour of the sub continent where its bloody hard to win. Rather than 2 home test series against the Winies and Saffies. Who are at this moment frankly Pants.

We'll see what happens in November. Although Jones and Vaughan are both ruled out already.

But let's be honest about this - most of the Aussie gene pool originally comes from the UK. It's the upbringing that turns them all strange and he had an Aussie upbringing!

Do you want him back btw? Watching Rolf is an experience akin to having honey smeared on your genitals, red ants poured down your pants and the legs taped up.

lol @ dropbear

My only disappointment with Rolf was that he didn't paint the Queens using a Taubmans paint brush - instead all we got was another boring picture of a boring old woman.

good stuff and quite believable! :thumbsup

Here's some more of the same sarcastic Aussie style of humor. It's an oldie but a goodie... QANTAS pilots fill out a problem sheet for flight mechanics to look at...here are the problems(P) as noted by the pilots and the proposed solutions(S) offered by the flight mechanics. :)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That?s what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you?re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last??????

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Fucking awesome add on mate !

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

i officially just pissed my pants :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Love to have you mate ! Anytime.

:thumbsup :thumbsup :thumbsup