GoFuckYourself.com - Adult Webmaster Forum - No matter how bad things seem to be, they could be A LOT worse...

Imagine being a Native America before European explorers landed.

Imagine you were the son of an influential American Indian Chief back in the day. Your tribe lives on the East Coast of what will soon be known as America, and those waters are rife with unlimited quantities of fresh seafood. Seafood dominated by massive, 1,000 year old clams. Clams bigger than your sisters ass. Big fucking clams.

And yet you have no linguine. You don't even understand the concept of linguine.

Eventually, you end up handing over Manhatton for a few beads - all the while thinking, "Why couldn't the Sicilians have invaded first. If we had pasta, history would be so different..." But its not. Neither the Romans nor the Chinese came over and introduced the delicacy known as pasta - or even simple egg noodles. Nope. What you got was a bunch of British outcasts who dined sheep anus, seaweed, lard, and potatoes. Often, all in the same pot.

I degress...

Neither the Sicilians (ok, Romans...) nor the Chinese discovered America (maybe the Chinese DID come here first - watch History Channel for updates...). What it boils down to (rofl!) is that Native Americans did not have access to linguine, or even pot noodles.

No, what they got access to was being fucked in the ass for every thing they held dear. Native Americans did not get clams over linguine in a nice Alfredo sauce - they got cheap beads over an ever-decreasing land mass. And THAT does NOT taste very good.

If you were (or are) a Native American, the times we are living in are hard times. You know better than I do how to regain financial dominance and/or influence. I'll leave that there and return to the past... Casinos forever!

CHAPTER 2

The oceans during this time were not safe. Whatever bounty the Atlantic DID offer at the time could not be so easily captured. That bounty would certainly not agree to being cavalierly tossed into a salad with a bit of lemon juice, butter, and garlic. Maybe a bit of flat-leaf parsley to garnish.

This was NOT an option. You had to really fucking fight to pull even a string of scummy seaweed out of the water.

Even though a 17th century clam (you remember the clams - that's how we started...) may be 1,000 years old, that mollusk would be dangerous beyond what we can imagine. Having destroyed most ocean life, we have no modern point of reference. A one thousand year old clam? Hah! Such a thing cannot exist.

And yet, they did. They be some big fucking clams.

Still though, imagine being a pioneer, a terrified traveller. Your heart is set on discovering America - a new world! You have not yet met any natives or opposition; you have not yet destroyed a civilization. Its a fresh start, away from the oppression and the implied terror of your homeland.

Yet you're beset upon by humungous, giant clams just as you reach the coast of this new, uncharted continent.

Life may seem scary now, yet it was terrifying 300 years ago. You cannot understand what our ancestors endured.

Chapter 3

In music, ballads help us to reconcile our histories and make peace with the past. Here is a song that condences everything I just types into an easy-to-digest, succint little ballad. Ok, a seventeen minute ballad. If you care about history, you'll listen.

The ballad of Reuben Clamzo.

Goodnight. And good luck.