How would you discipline your kids?
 

My oldest son hates me and everything I love. This is really disheartening for me because I admired my father and was always a "good boy." I liked spending time with my father. My most cherished memories are of me sitting with Dad in the living room watching B grade sci-fi like "Krull" and "Lifeforce" with Steve McQueen. I watched "Total Recall" with my Dad. I wouldn't trade those memories for anything.

My oldest boy, though, is consistently negative. He waits for you to be happiest or at your most vulnerable then spews venom. Talks back constantly, HATES to do any kind of chore or work. We've tried every single possible method to bring his behavior into line and none of it has made the slightest difference. In the old days (prior to 1980 or so) he would have gotten the strap or the board, or possibly beaten up behind the shed after dark. It's THAT bad. But now, since he feels insulated and protected by the law - and he's said that "There's nothing you can do to me" - he is simply free to say the most vile possible things. I never said "I hate you" to my parents. Not even one time. He's said it dozens of times since he was six years old, right to our faces. I wish I knew what to do.

Get counseling for him and your family...

When my kid was about five she back talked to my wife and I rocked her world. I'm a former US Marine; I don't get mad, don't have anger issues, but I can quickly raise my voice to the point where you think I'm going to rip your heart out of your chest. I snatched her by her collar, quickly tossed her up on the hood of the car, and gave her a "dressing down" she hasn't forgotten to this very day. In the event we have any problems now, all I need to do is raise my voice and it sends her running to fix whatever the problem is.

My step father wasn't afraid to sit me over his knee and smack my bare ass with his belt, and while there is no doubt in my mind I deserved it on those rare occasions... I don't see myself ever going there. There are so many ways to punish a child without resorting to getting physical.

Recently my kid was doing bad in school, grades, math. We came down pretty hard and pretty much took away everything from her - No computers, no television, no friends, and her cell phone only on her way to and from school. On weekends she was allowed to spend the night at a friend's house (mostly for my own sanity) but only after all of her home work was completed, her chores were done, and her bathroom and her bedroom were clean. The turn around we saw in a two week period was stunning and her grades quickly improved, although we have a lot of work to do yet.

If your kid thinks there is "nothing you can do to them" they are sadly mistaken. Take away their cell phones, computers, games, television, their favorite dinner, everything. Tell them until their attitude changes they get nothing but studying and chores - and make them do every last chore you can think of. Physically intimidate them, but don't hit them.

Tell them that if they don't like it, you can make other arrangements. If if you get to that point, call up your local police department, explain what's going on, and have them swing by and scare the shit out of your kid. I have a friend who did this and it worked great.

What?

You have to discipline your children to teach them right from wrong, and to help instill values in them.

Co-workers? Well, if you're a supervisor, and someone didn't do the work they were supposed to, or did it wrong, discipline can come in the form of a warning, pay cut, termination, etc.

Wife? Well, if one spouse had an affair, and the two agreed to work it out and stay together, the offending person may have to give open access to email accounts, phone records, etc. to rebuild trust. In essence, a privilege is taken away, so it IS disciplining a spouse.

Mailman? Most likely not directly, but if he's stealing mail, reading mail, dropping mail in the mud, etc., you'll most likely complain to his supervisor, which will in turn result in some type of discipline for the mailman.

I think you're confused. I know the OP did mentioned physical contact in his post, but disciplining someone does not automatically mean beating someone with a strap, taking them over your knee, or anything else physical. "Time-outs," "the naughty chair," and prison for adults, are all forms of discipline that don't mean beating the piss out of someone.

Discipline is fundamental to an individual to be able to function in society. Without discipline, everyone would do whatever they wanted without any regard to anyone or anything.

hey genius.. you do know that you can discipline someone without violence too right?

"Do not discipline you child or even raise your voice (scare tactics)."

:1orglaugh

How do you expect to teach that breaking rules results in consquences without discipline?

Here, I think you're having some comprehension issues in this thread. You seem to need this:

http://www.answers.com/topic/discipline

I don't see anywhere in those defintions that say "use physical violence to prove a point," nor do I see anything that says "make quick movements, use loud noises (such as screaming) to achieve a desired result."


I'm not saying there isn't more going on in the original post than what was shared, but for you to say that no one should be disciplined is the craziest shit I've ever heard in my life.


Edit: Oh, and the "Why would a child, who is raised peacefully by his parents act out?" comment you made....Disciplining a child, and having discipline in your home in no way indicates that you do not have a peaceful home or are not raising your child peacefully. Christ, check out an epsiode of Supernanny. She employs nothing but "peaceful" methods, but shows that discipline is a must.

I didn't require discipline to know right from wrong nor to help instill values. I learned from the example of my father whom was kind and loving. Violence only breeds hate.

Discipline doesn't have to involve violence and have 2 great kids that I get along with very well because of it.

Discipline does not always mean spanking. It means showing the child there are consequences for undesired behaviours. This could be grounding, restrictions, forced labour, volunteer work, use your imagination.

I had a great experience volunteering at a homeless soup kitchen when I was a teen. It really opened my eyes to other people's situations and made me respect my elders more.

Kids today get off way too easily.back in my day I got the strap laid on me a few times. It was a huge leather strap and still remember it to this day 40 years later.
I think kids need to have discipline and learn to respect their parents

I don't have kids of my own, but my brother went through this (and still is) with his son and another friend had a problem like this with his daughter. Sadly, nothing my brother did worked because his wife never stood by him. Now they have a son who is 18, has no job, smokes pot and does drugs and will disappear for days at a time and has been arrested a half a dozen times.

My friend with the daughter fixed things. One afternoon she came home from school and found everything in her room gone. All she had left was a mattress on the floor and some totes with her clothes in them. They told he the answer to everything would be no. No friends, not phone, no watching TV. No. No. No. She was to come home and go to her room. She was pissed and threw fits every day for a week, but they didn't give in to her. They then took her to a therapist. She didn't want to go, but the therapist actually got her to open up admit that she had a lot of inner rage because she feels like her biological father doesn't love her and has abandoned her and that her stepfather only tolerates her so he can be with her mom (even though he had been with her mom since she was about 4). Once the source of her rage was out in the open she learned how to deal with it and things actually opened up and were a lot better.

She is 19 now and I guess a little while back she told her mom and step-dad that she was grateful that they did that. She was so full of rage all the time she hated everything and thought everyone hated her and it really help her to be happy.

Obviously your kid is angry about something, the hard part is finding out what it is.

Reading comprehension.

Where did I say anything about violence? I never said to spank, slap, shake, yell or do anything else violent to a child.

So both of you idiots are telling me that you never once had a timeout? Never once had to stand in a corner? Never been made by your parents to apologize to someone for something you did?

I'd be willing to bet you did. And guess what, when you did, that was you being disciplined. No violence, no yelling, but discipline none the less.

And if you've never had to do any of those, congrats! You're well on your way to sainthood. :thumbsup

real tough guy throwing around a five year old girl.

True. It was my mistake to associate discipline with violence.

I strongly believe open communication should be the first priority in any relationship. My father was my best friend.

I believe a lot of people use disciplinary actions because they don't know what else to do. Some people are just too ashamed to truly open up, or have this "I'm your parent and you'll do what I tell you to attitude".

you don't have a clue, do you? you just assume kids will fall in line? you obviously have never been a parent or been around kids much.

It's not throwing your kids around. It's called instilling discipline. You need to show your kid who the boss is and you need to do it early. My kid isn't afraid of me. I'm the one who cuddles with her while watching TV, hugging her after her team wins, taking her out for ice cream, and fighting the monsters under her bed. But when she steps out of line, she knows I'm the boss.

I clearly don't have any issues. I don't have a temper, and I don't ever get mad.

Johnnyclips was abused as a kid and can't see any kind of middle ground, just extremes.

Oh, and by the way, when you were a little toddler, probably not even talking, maybe not even walking, I guaran-fucking-tee that at some point, you touched something you weren't supposed to. Your parents responded most likely with "No, we don't touch that" or "no touchie touchie," or something to that effect. If they didn't, you would never have learned not to touch that object (or pull the cat's tail, etc.). Guess what? You were just disciplined!

Fuck even if they didn't tell you not to pull the cat's tail, maybe the cat turn around and hissed at you. The cat just disciplined you!

For you to act like you never received an ounce of discipline in your life is ludicrous. Discipline is a part of everyone's daily life, at all ages, in some way shape or form. Violence and agresssion don't need to be.

Edit: GFED, after posting this I see that you acknowledged incorrectly linking violence with discipline. Thank you for admitting the error in your initial reactions. I apologize for calling you an idiot in my previous post. It still stands for Johnny, though.

a kids brain, especially a teenagers brain is made to test and push limits. kids need and want boundries. you can't just let them walk all over you and assume by doing so they'll end up being great people.

Yeah, I don't think he did too well at school

Do you have kids? :upsidedow

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ADG

No, I NEVER had to be disciplined. I NEVER did anything that required it.
I grew up knowing wrong from right. I grew up saying please and thank you. I grew up saying yes sir, no sir or m'aam.

I give all credit to my father because he was the nicest person anyone could meet. Also I grew up as an only child and without any friends until late in life.

i guess you would let your 10 year old smoke crack if he/she wanted to. if not, you'll be setting boundries and disiplining them. :1orglaugh you don't even make any sense..

Oh, fuck all of society's laws and rules then. I guess when I get caught going 75 through a school zone when those little yellow lights are flashing (when school's letting out for those who don't have that), I can tell the cop I don't need discipline or boundaries. And he should reply by not writing me a ticket, just wishing me to have a good day and compliment me on my speed driving abilities.

:disgust

Showing discipline to your child is almost like training your pet.You don't want your dog biting people or shitting all over your house.Depending on how old your kid is,if they are old enough to know better,they have to show respect towards authority

wha?.. again, you make zero sense. so you wouldn't make your kid go to bed at a certain time, you wouldn't make sure the kid shit in the toilet instead of on the floor and you certainly wouldn't make the kid eat anything nutritious because in your world kids are born knowing everything. your parents must of fucked you up good.

johnnys moronic logic is that if you just leave the kid alone he/she will just automatically do everything right. :1orglaugh

Smack the little fucking bastards the first time they do shit, and follow through the next few times. No more problems.

Of course, your sons may have ADHD....






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Hold on, let me catch my breath...






OK.






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It's really sad that I even have to post this...


dis·ci·pline (ds-pln)
n.
1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.
2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.
3.
a. Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order.
b. A systematic method to obtain obedience: a military discipline.
c. A state of order based on submission to rules and authority: a teacher who demanded discipline in the classroom.
4. Punishment intended to correct or train.
5. A set of rules or methods, as those regulating the practice of a church or monastic order.
6. A branch of knowledge or teaching.

Yeah, that's the point. :thumbsup

the kid just won't get up because you can't force them, thats abuse. god help them when they step into the real world where you can't just do whatever you want.

Another statement only someone with little to no experience with kids would make.

Could you stop quoting Johnny Clips? I placed him on the ignore list for a reason.

Because I want to? I shouldn't have any boundaries, right?? And shouldn't have had any growing up. So, I think I'm in perfect control of my vehicle at 75mph in a school zone, and that I can accurately predict the actions hundreds of little children being released from school, so it's cool that I'm driving 75. It's the parents who should be keeping their kids off the stree---oh wait, no they shouldn't, because that would be the parents enforcing boundaries on their repressed children.

You telling me that I have shouldn't be driving 75 because it's dangerous is you trying to discipline me. I don't need your rules and boundaries. Fuck the man!

I'm frightend to think that you may have children. Actually, I'm frightened to think that I live in the same world as you, to be honest.

you went from saying hitting is violence to boundries and rules are violence..so whats the deal?

I thought I was smart talking back to my father when I was about 14.

His words: Get out of my house. Now.

Haha, it fucking worked. Parenting like a bawse.

There is no magic bullet. You're not going to be able to hypnotize the little bastard into being good, so forget about it.

Anyway, your son needs to be brought back to reality. Like it or not you're going have to hurt him in one way or another before it sinks in, it'll get worse before it gets better.

I'd say feed him to Michael Jackson, but unfortunately the good old days are over.

Pay for my plane ticket & hotel and I'll come and kick the fuck out of him on your behalf at NO cost. :1orglaugh But seriously.

Perhaps you need to re-read the definition of "discipline." You're hung up on this violence bit, but I posted the definition and so did PR_Glen.

Discipline does utilize philosophy and non-violent situations. It's been pointed out to you over and over in this thread. You choose to ignore it.

Because he fucked it up from the start. Life is with a badly behaved kid is not a negotiation, nor is it a 30 minute episode of Supernanny.

Short of hypnotism, I wish you luck. :1orglaugh

No, it's fine. I don't mean to offend anyone. I just want to express that from my point of view I got along with my father so well because he was never an authoritative figure. He was always my equal. In respect, I turned out to be just like my father.

I know a lot of other factors play a role as well. Where you grew up, your friends, etc. I grew up in a town where everyone you drove by would wave at you. LOL.

I thought Supernanny was 60 minutes? :)

true that You WILL regret it.

I've never had to hit my kid and in general am against kids being hit but I sure do get a thrill when some brats mom goes postal on him in the store.

Ignoring all the stupidity Johnnyclips has spewed all over this thread and answering the OP's question:

Discipline starts at a young age. If you tell your child there is a punishment for them breaking a rule and they break the rule, you HAVE to enforce the rule. If you let it slide, they will learn early on that you won't follow through.

Your son is already a teenager and maybe when he was younger, you tried to hard to be his friend instead of his dad. I was kind of guilty of that with my oldest son. With 5 kids, I learned really quickly that you have to follow through with everything you say, good or bad. I was never one for physical discipline. My kids had to stand against the wall and not talk to anyone at all for 15 minutes to an hour, depending on the infraction. It was worse than any spanking and didn't teach them that violence was a meas to an end.

You may have actually done everything right and your kid is just an asshole anyways. It happens. The world is full of kids who are assholes through no fault of their parents. Keep in mind, kids are in school 8 hours per day and around other people. Those people sometimes have more influence than you do as a parent.

If your son is violent, look into a local scared straight program and get some counseling. Sure, he'll probably tell you to go fuck yourself, but let him know you're not asking him to go, you're telling him. If he's under your house, he has to follow your rules. If he doesn't like them, he's free to get a job and pay his own way, then he can do whatever he wants.

My oldest daughter is very strong willed and required a little different means of discipline. For her, taking away her netbook, phone, etc. is a horrid punishment, even worse than death (in her mind). Her punishments are also things like getting her facebook/email passwords changed thereby cutting her off from them (my ex-wife and I have her passwords). She's done the "I hate you" thing, especially lately with my ex-wife (hence her coming back to live with me next school year). She's going to find that she still has rules to follow and there are consequences for not following those rules and they will be followed up with.

The key is to do everything you can do and realize, even though you love your son, he just might be an asshole of his own accord, but you'll have done everything you could. If he uses the threat "there's nothing you can do to me" take him on a tour of a local youth offender facility. Show him what life is like if he's taken away from you and placed in one of those places. It's not glamorous at all.

If you start seeing progress, keep at it. The key is just being consistent. You also have to realize he might make some progress, then backslide. Just be there to love him unconditionally when he does. Any parent who claims to have the perfect child is either a liar or doped up on Valium ;-)

I have great kids that admittedly have had their share of problems, but I'm proud of the fact that they are overall great kids and I did everything I could as a parent to point them in the right direction and instill a sense of pride when they accomplish things.

You have to balance out the platitudes along with the discipline. Focus on their positive things. If your son makes some progress, reward him with praise.

I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist or "child rearing expert"...I'm a father of 5 great kids who sometimes stumble along the way and I've learned that parenting isn't easy and is full of challenges. I learned that shit in the trenches. You just have to take the challenges on full speed ahead and celebrate when little things go right.

Sorry for being so long-winded, but felt you could use another answer from an actual parent.

I would discipline my children by bringing them to this world ...

This JohnnyClips guy is one of the best trolls I've ever seen.

A few more threads like this and he'll guarantee that Paul Markham doesn't repeat at the GFY Awards. He's already giving Paul a run for his money, between this thread and the "school" thread.

I am a father also, and not really in need of disciplining my son, he kind of imitates me, I am a funny guy, he is a funny boy.

So in other words, 1+1=2. Thanks for that game-changing, revelationary insight, bitch. :321GFY

Have you tried just opening up to him? Let him know where you are coming from as a person? I'm not saying be his friend, but to drop the power struggle one time and have a man-to-man chat with him without judgement or repercussions.