My mom is moving into an assisted living center tomorrow.
 

Some of you might remember a while back my mom got sick and ended up moving in with me. She recently had some setbacks and landed in the hospital and is now in a nursing home. She has recovered from her illness, but has realized now that she needs more help getting around than I can give her so she is moving into an assisted living center.

She is very happy about it and is looking forward to it. Now comes the fun part as I go through all her boxes of stuff and decide what to donate, what to sell and what she needs. She is a major pack rat so I will have to convince her that she really doesn't need that jacket that she hasn't worn since 1973 :1orglaugh

I'm starting to think my spare bedroom is like a halfway house. I have already had two friends that were getting divorced living there then my mom. Just as my mom moves out my brother will be moving in. He is getting divorced and is going to stay with me for a few months while he pays off some bills and finds a new place to live.

I'm glad to hear that :thumbsup

Where can I get a reservation? Sometime in November would be great.

My father in law is getting very close to a nursing home. He's fallen twice while no one was home and it's kicking his ass.

My brother is moving in the end of June. His plan is to stay about 2-3 months. Just long enough to make sure all the debt is paid off and for him to find a place he likes to move to. He has two daughters who will be staying here part time as well so I know he will be motivated to move so they can have their own rooms.

That means he should be out by September. I can have the rug cleaned and the walls painted in time for your November move in date. :)

how much does something like that cost in the states? we looked into it for my girlfriends mother but it would be 4-5k a month.

My mom had a couple of falls before she moved in with me and one while she was here. Her major issue was getting in and out of the shower and using the kitchen. The way my house is designed there was just no way for me to make it easier on her and she has arthritis and foot numbness from diabetes so she can't stand very long. She finally is realizing that one of these times a fall could happen and she could break a hip or blow out her knee and it could be something that makes her wheelchair bound for the rest of her life so she needed a place that built for someone with limited mobility and people around 24/7 to help her.

The place she is staying has different levels of care. The cheapest is the smallest apartment and the only care they provide is on call staff and meals and that is around $3,400 per month. It goes up from there to about $7,000 per month.

My mom will have what they call a "deluxe" studio which is 330sq feet. They will help her with her meds, bathing, meals and laundry and they have on call staff if she needs them. That is around $4,000 per month. Medicaid is going to pay for it, but it will only leave her with about $150 per month in spending money and it does cover phone or TV services so my brother and I are splitting her cable costs, I pay for her phone and we will split her few other small bills so she has a few bucks each month to spend on herself.

I never understand that. Such a shame.

Has she considered the caregiver route instead? It would be cheaper and she could stay at home.

Hi Kane,

Sorry to hear about your situation. You're not alone. My Mom is about to turn 90. She still lives on her own and doesn't want to go into a home of course but she is requiring more and more care. It's not a happy time for anyone thats for sure.

Good luck.

Thanks for sharing, Kane, and it is good to know that your mother will be well cared for and looked after. :)

Many of the younger folks on GFY may not realize the kind of issues that people face in life as they grow older, so it is good to talk it about it.



Trivia: Jerry Garcia (of the Grateful Dead) played the pedal steel guitar part on the album version of CSN&Y's "Teach Your Children".

ADG

Yep, I would imagine having that realization is not easy. My mom is very independent. She divorced my dad when I was 5 and raised my brother and me by herself. She worked hard and also managed even when times were tough. She likely should have moved into the assisted living place a few years ago, but she just couldn't believe things had come to that and assumed she would get better.

But now things are good and she is very happy. Hopefully she will love living there.

We thought about that. The problem is she sold her old house when she got sick several years ago. She was renting a place then was in a nursing home for a little while then moved in with me.

We would have to find her a place to live that had a walk in shower and a kitchen that she could have a chair in and a layout that was easy for her to use a wheelchair/walker on. Then she would need either a live in caregiver or someone to be there every day. In the end it might be a little cheaper overall, but with medicaid they would still end up taking her social security to pay for it so she wouldn't see any benefit. So in the end she decided it was best to go somewhere that was built to her need and set up for what she would need.

The cost of some of these things are crazy. One place I looked at charged $9K per month and they didn't accept any kind of insurance or medicare/medicaid so you had to pay out of pocket.

Keep fighting the good fight!

We took care of my Dad for 5 years before he passed in 2005. He had epilepsy as well as other old age related things going on.

Good man for taking care of your family like that. Hat's off to you.

those places are not cheap - how many people in retirement can afford a 3-5K a month place, in 10 years you've spent 350-500K - what happens if you do this at 70 and you live to 90?

i also wonder what % of people over 65 have $500K

I have been talking a lot to the social security people and the people at the nursing home and assisted living place and they were telling me that the basically most of the baby boomers have little or no retirement. The reason is that when most of them started working when they were young companies didn't really offer 401K and retirement benefits. They started to later on, but by then many of the boomers were in their 40's and 50's so they didn't have much saved. Not to mention how the cost of living has outpaced wage growth in the last 20 years and you end up with a lot of people just on social security.

At least these days a person has a lot of options and they are more aware of it, but like you say at $5K a month the money goes fast.

Good guy letting your mother live with you while ill , I remember my grandfather living with us because he didn't want to go to a home , only down thing to a home is some times they don't treat people well hopefully thats not the case , and they usually die a lot quicker but hopefully you keep visiting and keep her hopes up

my mom is currently up in wahsington helping her older brother get into a home because he cannot be on his own anymore neither. My mom is the young one but with her siblings falling and dying ... Im getting worrysome for her. Love that old hippy.

The good news with this place is that so far everyone has been very nice and my mom likes the people. It is only about 10 minutes from where I live and my brother drives right by it on his way home from work so we can both see her regularly.

I do understand about people dying quicker there though because it does have a certain finality to it. Moving into a place knowing that this is likely the last place you are going to live must be a little strange.

I should of re-stated what I said , it's more likely for you to be dying sooner if you are going into hospice , I have seen family members / other friends family members live on really long time and actually like facilities like this because they do have activities for the older folks to do ( more so than you would have at your home ) and more interaction with other folks in the home.

I think for my mom this place will be good. When she was living with me and then before that when she was on her own she was basically a recluse. For the last 10 years or so she has hardly left the house or spoken to anyone. She just sits and watches TV all day. I know that can't be a life she likes. When she was here my girlfriend would play cards with her and board games with her and stuff and I was around to hang out with her which seemed to help. At least in this place she will be forced to go to the dining hall to eat and they have a lot of activities and stuff and some great outside areas for her to check out so she can be a little more social and have stuff to look forward to besides TV.

Kudos to you kane. :thumbsup

Taking care of your parents is difficult beyond all belief.

~

Some of those assisted living places are friggin sweet..

had a few people I know in a couple different ones and they all looked awesome..

but man, they are expensive..

Care giving/ nursing centers are fucking expensive, they run around 3k to 4k a month.

The place my mom is going into is pretty nice. It was built about 2 years ago on a decent size lot. They have a bunch of paved trails that go out into some woods so people can get some fresh air and most of the rooms have a wooded view so things are pretty quiet. I haven't looked through the whole place, but it seems to be a nice facility with some cool activities and stuff.

sounds pretty similar here but its not covered unless she is in what they call a 'long term care' facility which is basically a hospital type place and they won't even cover a private room, she'd have to share one. they will subsidize a certain amount for assisted living once she hits 70 but shes still got a few years to go. its too bad really. she gets by on her own but would do better with a bit more help than her daughter and i can provide.

I wish to god my mom would move into an assisted living place. She fell about a week ago and broke her hip. She is 82. The break was not bad but sent a chip of bone that knicked the artery. She was bleeding and they had to put in a stint. The break was not bad so no surgery for that. She is in rehab.

All of us kids are trying to get her to go to an assisted living place but she wont. She wants to go home to her house that sits on 2 acres of property nice and privately so no one can hear her if she yells.

Errrr....

Hope your mom is ok and doing better.

Good luck to all of those involved.

I hope everything goes well with your mom. When you're done just take some time and focus on yourself. It really takes a toll taking on so much. I remember when we first got married, Melissa amd I had her brother live with us for a while and that introduced a lot of thankless, unnecessary stress. Kudos for taking care of mom.

Cheers

Brad

Hope it goes well, and I actually envy you the opportunities you have to be with your mom still. Sounds like you're taking good advantage of the time! :thumbsup

"I do understand about people dying quicker there though because it does have a certain finality to it. Moving into a place knowing that this is likely the last place you are going to live must be a little strange."

You can ease this by taking her out on short trips while she is able to. A meal out, a trip to a store, beauty parlor, nail salon, anything to restore or maintain a sense of normality for her.

One cool thing that has happened in the last couple of week since this decision has been made is that she is suddenly more interested in doing things. Before she had no interest outside the house. TV was her life unless someone played a game with her or something. My niece is in high school and plays a bunch of sports and the other day she said to me that she would like to figure out a way to go see one of her games. I thought that was very cool and I know my niece would love it.

Just talked to her a few minutes ago and it looks like they are moving her from the care facility she is in now to the assisted living place sometime in the next hour so I will be going over once she is there and taking her a few things then over the weekend we will be moving the rest of her stuff.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. They are much appreciated.

I keep my place in a constant state of "under construction", sort of in mid-renovation state at all times. And I don't clean up much either.

It keeps the family from wanting to stay, visit, mooch, whatever. (Edit; talking about your other family, not your mother. You're a helluva guy for taking in your mom and taking care of her like you did)


"Well of course I'd love to have you, but I'm gutting and redoing the kitchen right now, and a few months after that I'll be knocking out those walls over there, sorry. Not a good time for a roommate. Try again next year or the year after that if you still need a place to crash"

ha

What is most important is that she is happy about it!

feel for you doll, i'm in the same boat with my mom. she was just diagnosed with environmental dimentia due to smoking all her life. we though it was alzheimers, it sure behaves exactly like it. when you smoke all your life your little blood vessels in your brain shut down and calcify basically. she cant be left alone anymore and is sick about leaving her home. packing that massive place gives me a headache just to think about it. my mom will be with my younger brother at his home with assistance and daystay memory care facility. has to be one of the hardest emotional things i've ever been through and i do not envy the many i know in this same exact phase of life....child/parent role reversal.
hang tough and find an outlet to your stress so you keep healthy yourself. i'll be thinking of you and your mom.

and to my friends that are current smokers.....please stop while you still have a chance to get your health back

So my mom got moved in today. When she arrived it was lunchtime so they took her right to the dinning room to eat. They serve the food restaurant style with three courses and it is a nice, clean place that looks very good. At lunch she had a couple of ladies invite her to play cards with them.

I showed up an hour or so later with the girlfriend and we moved some of her stuff in and got her settled. Her apartment is nice and it over looks some woods and picnic area. As we were unpacking her a deer came up into the yard for a snack and she loved it.

She just called me and told me when she went to dinner the staff brought her a huge bouquet of flowers and greeted her. She said the food is very good and everyone is super friendly. She is already feeling at home and says she feels like she is living in a movie.

I have a feeling within a few weeks she will be wearing gaudy costume jewelry and gossiping over card games and cans of ginger ale :)

It is a big load off. I'm going to have a beer, watch the rest of the baseball game and collapse.

Reapeat after me: "Sorry, I dont have any room at my house"

Now remember to say that the next time ANYONE mentions they dont have a place to stay.

Doesnt sound like a bad place actually. Do they have high-speed internet and can a 41yr old move there?

Best wishes. I did it all with my mom. Lot of doing. 2 years assisted living, 1 year NH.

She did not want leave her home, till she fell and broke her hip then the doc said "got to go" (hospital --> NH --> Asst Liv --> NH)

I take it you are POA. Lots to do. Taxes, House, Utilities, and more... social workers, nurses and finally hospice workers all in your future.

Cancelling the utils was a pain. Even tho I was POA they still had to hear from her a couple times on the phone to cancell them. Selling the house was the main chore.

I was glad to do it, and I wish she was still alive of course but I am glad to have my time back again.

Unfortunatelly you cant have both the parent alive and all your time (as it once was). Something that has to be done.

Yep. I am POA. Went through the utiltity stuff several years ago, but also had to go through selling her house. She got real sick and was in a nursing home for about a year then after that she lived in an apartment for a while then eventually moved in with me.

Just the other day when I was getting her ready for the move I had to go through her bills and cover everything with her and she finally realized everything I had been doing behind the scenes. Dealing with the government is not a good time. The social workers and aid workers have been helpful, but it is annoying.

LOL I said the same thing today. The cook your meals, do your laundry and clean your place. I'm moving in.

My girlfriend was giving me shit about this the other night when we were talking about my brother now moving in with me as he gets divorced.

She says, "You are running out of friends that haven't lived with you. I guess I will have to have some of my friends break up so they can move in."

Good to hear. Sounds like you learned a lot and got the hardest part over (selling the house).

Another thing.. if she will ever go on Medicaid (her money runs out) expect the county to look back 2 years at her finances to see if there were any transfers to fam members. If there were you can expect some flak.

usually a lil is ok..

The toughest thing is watching our parents savings (where they bought the generic mac/cheese to sav a few cents over the years) go up in smoke to high room costs and tons of medical expenses.

Spend her money now folks or get it transfered within 5 years of her going on Medicaid to be safe. (which the parent will seldom let you do) County doesnt want to pay what they dont have to.

So for most we write huge checks till the money is gone. Sad really when they save all their life to see $100,000 savings go in maybe a year or two.

I had to deal with the medicaid people before when she got sick so I have been through a version of it, even though she was only on medicaid for a few months. What amazed me is what they consider "too wealthy" for medicaid. Basically if you have more than $2,000 of net worth you have to much to qualify for Medicaid. At that time I was trying to sell her house, but she hadn't lived there very long so we thought she would likely break even. She ended up making a little money off of it, but by then she had been on medicaid and then came back off it.

The thing that annoys is how slow some things work. When she first got sick she applied for "emergency" disability. This was going to be a little money to help her out while they decided if she qualified for regular disability. It took them 9 months to get the "emergency" approval.

Some of these places are so expensive your life savings/retirement can be gone in no time at all.

id never let my mom move in a rest home. some guy would rape my mother or something and id be on some talk show via satellite gruesome murder of a care giver :1orglaugh . "yeah i killed his ass and i hope he burns in hell!"

I think when I get old enough I'm going to take the big leap too. Right into the river.