Relationship Expert Wanted to Solve a Dilemma
 

Hi there,

I have a friend who is facing a loving yet terrible relationship that he has no idea how to deal with. I am not sure if I could get a good advice from any of you guys here, but I will give it a try, and see if I could pass him some good advices from you guys. When he told me, I was speechless, I have absolutely no idea how to help him.

Here is a story...

A guy falls in love in a girl because of her personality and decent appearance. They both have been together for almost 2 years. However, the girl came from an unfortunately family background. Her dad is in the prison and her mum is dating someone else whom she hates him very much. She is a divorcee. Most of her closed friends are divorcees as well. All of them are alcoholic including her single mother friends. They all have problematic relationships. The guy has to quietly listen to all the stories of her friends' problematic relationships. Besides that, she has a $30k bank loan due to over-spending and business failure, this will take her some time to pay off. Though, she did not come from a normal family, she acknowledges her misfortune and tries to be as positive as possible. she has many relatives and friends who love her and are willing to help her if she needs help including money, they all understand the circumstance she is facing.

She probably has all the guys want in a girl. She is pretty, adorable, cheerful and submissive. And she loves children. She is very loyal to him as well. The guy is a well educated decent guy who came from a decent family. He is ambitious, he has a lot of plans ahead of him. He wants to have a family. However, he is too afraid to marry to this girl even though they are deeply in love. He is too scared to fall into her social circle that might potentially jeopardize his future. He has been consistently staying away from most of her friends. He could hardly find anything in common in front of her friends.

I think that's the best I could describe here. What do you think they should do? Should they break up? Should the the man ask the girl to leave her circle of friends?

what is the dilemna? sounds normal to me

Match.com

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People with issues and problems like that like to be around other people with the same, this way they feel "normal."

IMO, this guy is going to have to deal with a lot of excess baggage, including a rather large loan that will quickly become HIS responsibility.

2 years is not enough time to really know someone, this is about the time that people change into who they really are. I'd tell him to let them date for another year and have her get her finances and life in order. People surround themselves with people who they want to be--losers with losers and winners with winners. I'd tell him that she needs to slowly pull away from these people that are bringing her down and find new positive friends.

/dr phil

I guess its not love if he does not do anything with the girl

I had the break from hell recently, pure fucking evil. It's going to be a judgement call on his part, plain and simple. He has to ask the question is she worth it?

Definitely no joint checking accounts

Mover far away...err...tell 'your friend' to move far away with her to get her away from her loser friends. Once moved don't let her out of the house, otherwise she will make friends with new losers.

Move far away with her and she can keep in touch by technology.?

If the girl is Thai which it sounds like it could be RUN RUN RUN
If not if he is serious move to another part of his country as far as away as possible.

Is the pussy good?

Are you talking about yourself?

"I have a friend who's dick burns every time he pees. Should I have him see a doctor?" lol

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Real love overcomes all. No need to ask what to do.

You can take a girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Get married. Then move across the country. Problem solved.

I am 12 and what is this?

is it really all that simple?

Moving across the country sounds like a good piece of advice? How about declare bankruptcy?

What will that accomplish? She will just learn that she can spend more than she earns and can get away with it by just filing bankruptcy, so she will repeat it again few years down the road dragging the guy into it with her... :2 cents:

and besides, one would have to be real sack of shit to even consider something like that...

where I came from, when you borrow the $$$, you do whatever it takes to pay it back...
especially considering the amount is relatively small and she pissed it all away like an idiot, it's not like she got blindsided by some medical bills for $500k or something...

she needs to get her shit together, and pay it back... :2 cents:

Before I can give any advice I need to know how old each party is. Most important part of the equation.

Depends on who she owes the money to. If it's another person, I agree wholeheartedly with what you're saying.

Sure she should try to pay the bank loan, but if she can't in a reasonable time period, then why should she? The bank isn't ethical - they just do whatever it takes to make more money. And yes, banks literally "make" money for loans via the Federal Reserve. As for what the bank is losing ... likely little to nothing. Borrow money from the FED at 0.00-0.25 and loan out at 10% or whatever - the bank is making a bundle even if a large number of borrowers default; it's already factored in ... and, especially if it's a large bank, they've miscalculated their exposure, no problem, the government will bail them out.

Bottom line, ethics mean little to nothing in business, especially when the framework itself is corrupt and tilted against the average person (read a EULA or consumer agreement sometime; credit cards can charge any interest rate they want and yet an individual legally can't). One needs to look out for their best interests just like businesses do for theirs.

if she can't seperate herself from her fucked up life and be normal, i'd say split.

it's not going to work... better leave it sooner than later.

I don't really agree, it makes little difference where the money came from, it's a bit misguided to think that just because it came from the bank there is nothing wrong with not paying it back. We will all have to pay the costs of her defaulting the loan, the ripple effects though very indirect are certainly there.

For example, as the default rate rises, so will interest rates for everyone else, so will number of hoops one will have to jump through to get the loan, etc, heck even the bank employee that approved her loan could lose a job over it, etc....

Though filing bankruptcy may be in her best interest, it becomes a bit unethical when everyone else has to cover the costs of her financial recklessness... :2 cents:

http://www.themoviebanter.com/wp-con...ama_jenny.jpeg













Mathieu

Sounds fairly normal. Not everyone has super-successful friends and family. Make it clear that the debt is hers to pay off, but if they are going to be a team, they need to be honest with each other and work out a plan to make that happen. Maybe she needs some financial planning advice? Lots of people have absolutely no clue in money matters.

Why does her mother enter into it?

It sounds like your "friend" needs to get over himself. Unless he is running for president, or unless the Gf's friends are serial killers and drug kingpins, I don't see why he's so concerned about their personal lives. Maybe getting a hobby would help.

come up with a job offer far away, she moves with and old baggage gone, she doesn't wanna move then peace out :2 cents:

my bullshit tolerance level depends on the person, awesome chick more willing to put up with bullshit, average chick then I don't need the drama, awesome doesn't mean just looks but the total package :2 cents:

If you are willing to screw over a bank, you are willing to screw over someone else. It doesn't matter what someone else's ethics are, it shows clearly what your ethics are when you go about screwing over the bank because you think they did you wrong (when in reality, you probably fucked up just as much as they did.)

Your very last line pretty much sums up the whole story. "One needs to look out for their best interests." When this person that owes money now needs help again in the future, this person is going to be looking for another scapegoat because this person felt screwed over.

Agreed :2 cents:

Based on my experience, if the mom has issues and her friends have issues then it is likely she has issues and it is just a matter of time before they surface.

This might be judgmental, but if I started dating a girl and found out her dad was in jail and her mom was dating an asshole and everyone around her was an alcoholic I would bolt before there was ever any real attachment.

the one thing he needs to understand is that you can't change people. if you can't accept the person you are with for exactly who they are in that moment, you need to walk away. wishing, hoping and thinking change will come if only you show the person how great life can be in better circumstances is a pipe dream and you are fooling yourself. not saying that can't happen but it's a crap shoot. what you see is usually what you get. he should not go down the rabbit hole with her in my opinion :2 cents:

Read up on Quantitative Easing - the injection of more money, literally out of nothing, to the tune of trillions, into the economy making dollars worth less - that's costing everyone a lot more than some consumer debt write-offs.

As for interest rates remaining higher than they should, the main reason is greed - banks pay less than ever for money and yet the spread (the % bank pays verses the % they lend for) is larger. It's no wonder banks are still reporting record breaking earnings.

And in regards to the bank employee, they're not going be fired assuming they did what the computer said and followed policy. Anyways, what bank employee still makes important decisions these days? Ok, I suppose maybe at some small, local banks, but most all banks, including credit unions, the lending decision is mostly automated with the employee doing little more than gathering data on the borrower, inputting it into the computer, and proceeding, in accordance with bank policy, with whether to lend or not - the bank employee is not really deciding much of anything, the computer is!

Ethics are driven by social norms. When those in power are unethical and the average person seeking to do the "right thing" gets screwed while others doing something less than the so-called "right thing" gets ahead, it's no surprise many people will take notice and follow.

Individuals get criticized for purposely not paying on their mortgage so as to get out of the loan. And businesses, which do likewise all the time (strategic default), are usually commended for cutting costs and saving money.

In short, when the power-elite chose to be more ethical, the public at-large will too.

That may be the case, but at least Quantitative Easing is done in good faith to improve the economy... while the same can't be said about someone defaulting on a loan...


Greed may be one of the reasons, but additional risk caused by higher default rates is certainly one of the causes too...


Computers don't magically tell bank employees what to do, someone somewhere had to program the computer, someone had to make a decision on what variables will be used, how they will be connected, etc... so it seems completely reasonable that a programmer or statistician or manager or whoever that came up with an algorithm for determining who gets the loan could get fired over it, especially if that algorithm resulted in unusually high default rates...

Business are supposed to act in the best interest of their shareholders, so there is nothing really unethical about a business cutting losses on a venture that didn't work out...

On the other hand, a person not paying back a loan despite ability to do so is clearly acting unethically..

This is perhaps a paradox, but since businesses are setup to act in the best interest of their shareholders, they are acting ethically, while a person in a similar situation is not....

So it's ok for a business, that in most cases has access to far more resources than individuals, to act unethically, but it's not ok for an individual? That's a huge imbalance - and further reiterates my point about individuals need to look out for their own interests, first.

Also, where did this notion come from that businesses can only act in the best interest of their shareholders? ... and is that really 100% true? From what I've read it's not quite that iron-clad; more an excuse for corporate stakeholders to do things they normally wouldn't consider otherwise.

Anyways, who runs businesses? Who are these shareholders? People! So I suppose if someone gets involved in any business venture in any capacity, ethics can be totally disregarded - didn't know it was that easy.

I've been in couples therapy for years. You can imagine after being a stunt cock for 5 years, & a director for 5 more, that my relationships aren't exactly easy street. There are a lot of trust issues on both sides: partially because I know how women are & she has issues about my past. Our therapist said relationships need rules. He shouldn't be afraid to tell her to cut out all the cancers in her life if he is to have a future with her. If she loves him she will listen. However, I'm sure he has his share of shit stacked up high, too. So he will need rules to follow as well.
best
Duke

I would sign prenup, no joint account etc etc - so that there would be no harm for me if I divorced. Then why not, you have nothing to lose, if she turns out to be "with problems" later you would divorce. If not - you would live happily. Its as simple as tat for me.

Break up with her. People surround themselves with people like them. If her friends are losers, she is a loser. And her financial status proves it. It will only get worse.

Friend might want to examine why he feels the need to be with someone that he can look down on.

relationships: people grow together or grow apart.:2 cents:

many thanks for all the advices.

will keep you guys posted if there is any new development later... stay tuned... ha

Why don't you matchmake your friends loser gf and MrMaxwell, your friend will be free to pursue quality girls, and the other two will be a match made in heaven.