Jokes thread *handpicked*
 

Handpicked series, only the best

1. 10" PIANIST

A man comes into a bar, orders a beer and takes out of a bag a tiny piano and a 10 inch high man. He puts the man behind the piano and the little man starts playing. People are amazed!

The owner of the bar offers the man free drinks all evening and at closing time he asks: 'I'm sorry, but where did you get him?'

Well, said the man, I found an old oillamp and when I was cleaning it a ghost came out and told me that I could make a wish.

O, said the barkeeper, do you still have that lamp? Yes, said the man. Could you bring it tomorrow, asked the barkeeper.

I'll do that, said the man.

Next evening the man brought the lamp, the barkeeper cleaned it up and the ghost came out.

You can make a wish, said the ghost to the barkeeper.
I wish a million bucks! - said the barkeeper.

Right at that moment thousands and thousands of ducks came flying in the bar, shitting everywhere.

I don't understand, said the barkeeper, I've asked for bucks, not ducks!
Well, said the man, do you really think I've asked for a 10 inch pianist?

2. POPE & BEGGAR

The richest man in the world decides he wants to be blessed by the Pope at the Vatican. So he travels to Rome, gets in his finest suit, and goes to the Vatican to view the morning papal procession.

Sure enough, the Pope moves through the throng of people, and the man is close enough to stick out his hand for the Pope to take it, but the Pope moves right past him to stop in front of a dirty, ragged beggar a few feet away. The Pope takes the beggar's hand, whispers into his ear, and proceeds to walk away.

"Of course!" the rich man thought. "He's not going to stop for me if I'm dressed like this!"

The rich man follows the beggar as he leaves. Stopping the beggar in an alley, the rich man offers the beggar $1,000.00 if he'll trade clothes with him. The beggar agrees, and the two exchange outfits.

That afternoon, there is to be another papal procession. The rich man, now dressed like the beggar, moves to the front of the crowd and waits. The Pope comes back through the crowd, and according to plan, heads right for him. The Pope takes his hand, leans down, and whispers in his ear.

"I told you once already: I never want to see you in here again...."

3. McGREGOOR THE FENCE BUILDER

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat..."

4. HALF A HEAD OF LETTUCE

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, ?There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.? As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, ?And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.? The manager okays the request and the man went on his way.

Later on the manager said to the boy, ?You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?? The boy replied, ?Minnesota, sir.? ?Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?? inquired the manager. The boy replied, ?They?re all just whores and hockey players up there.? ?My wife is from Minnesota?, exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, ?Really! What team did she play for??

5. MAKE SURE HE'S DEAD

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Nice jokes, add more

will do but it's handpicked series, so I am going to be very selective :upsidedow

one morning a young house wife hears a knock on her kitchen door.... cracking the door open she sees a bum, the bum is selling strawberries... the young house wife starts to let her robe side seductively open, when suddenly the bum starts crying. the young housewife asks what's wrong... the bum replies "I lost my job, I lost my home and my family and now I'm going to get fucked out of my strawberries"