Prison Joke
 

A giant buff man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he?s in there, the husband tells his wife:
?Listen, this guy?s an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn?t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.? If he wants sex, don?t resist, don?t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he?ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.?
To which his wife responds:
?He wasn?t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!?

Doh..damn those poofters!

can't miss what you can't measure :winkwink:

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:thumbsup

hahaahhaah this is funny

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what ?shit? meant.

Thinking fast she replied ?food on the table?.

Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does ?son of a bitch? mean.

Again, thinking fast again she says ?It?s a priest?.

Next day he comes home a asks what does ?fuckin'? mean.

She says it means ?getting dressed?.

That same night a priest was coming over for dinner.

Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.

He yells ?got it?

He opens the door and says ?Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'?.

lol lol that was funny

Short, nerdy guy, dressed in white shirt, glasses and bow tie is going around the neighborhood with his clipboard, taking a survey.
He rings the doorbell and an Amazon woman answers the door. He explains he's taking a survey and would she mind asking a few intimate questions. She replies she will.
Are you married?
Yes I am.
For how long?
10 years.
Do you have any children?
No
Well to be married for 10 years and have no children you must practice some sort of birth control.
Yes we do.
May I ask what birth control method you use.
The Bucket and Saucer Method.
Madame, I'm afraid I've never heard of that method. Can you tell me what that is.
My husband is a short guy like you. Every night to make love to me he stands on a bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him.

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear.
Jewelry."

good ones :) but back to the prison theme...

3 drug abusers are in the same cell - a coke user, an acid user and a cannabis user.

the coke user snorts up a line and goes "Let's break the bars with our bare hands, smack everyone's head AND FUCKIN KILL EVERYONE AND RUN AWAY!!"

the acid dropper pushing the 3rd blotter under his eye goes "i'd say.... iiii.... let's turn into small, tiny little ants and just float away out the window... into the vast colourful universe..."

the weed smoker takes a toke. "yeah, yeah... a bit later, man.."