Ultimate Joke Thread!
 

Let's hear some good ones, here's a bunch I've found on my HD; some really good ones in here. Post your favorites!

1.Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

2. Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

3. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

4. Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

5. Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

7. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

8. Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating hahahaha once in a while too.

9. Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

10. Q. Why do gays like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

11. Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

12. Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

13. Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

14. Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

15. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

16. Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

17. Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

18. Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

19. Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

20. Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

21. Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

22. Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

23. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

24. Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

25. Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow.

26. Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

27. Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

28. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

29. Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

30. Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

31. Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

32. Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

What's the difference between my garage with a Lexus in it or a garage full of dead baby's?

I dont have a Lexus.

Whats the difference between a jewish person and a pizza?

Pizza's dont scream when they're put in the oven.

How many jews can you fit in a VW?

I dunno.. check the ash tray.

What's the difference between a jew and a balloon?

The balloon floats when you fill it with gas.


Whats the most confusing day of the year for a black guy?

Father's Day

What's long and hard on a black man?

Third grade.

What's long, black, and stinky?

The unemployment line.

Why do black people like basketball?

Because they like to RUN, SHOOT, and STEAL.

What do you do when you see a hundred dead black people in the forest?

Stop laughing and reload the gun.

How do u stop a black person from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the cieling.

You keep lame-ass one liners on your HD? That's the funniest joke of all.

There are only eleven times in history where the "Fuck" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the Fuck do you mean we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the Fuck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those Fucking Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877

8. "Any Fucking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so Fucking look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926

6. "How the Fuck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 B

5. "You want WHAT on the Fucking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the Fuck are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the Fuck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999

and a drum roll............! ....

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this Fucking mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003

Some good ones in there

:ak47: Yeah real funny

hitler.

Izzz that really you :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh

nah, that dude is a geeky looking muthafucka...i'm much hotter

Not bad, some nice ones. :thumbsup

others are hilarious...others are pretty offensive

If a woman had everything she could ever wish for, what else should she get?

A man to explain to her how it all works.

Some funny ones there

There are some good ones, some others suck.

others are offensive...