The red head
 

The Red Head

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out
of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye
back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards
they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like
to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy is amazed! ! Everything had been SO incredible! !! !

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you
this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . . "




Wait for it. .



















It's coming.







































The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






















She says :



"You just happened to catch my eye. "


(oh shut up, I just post them, I don't write them! ) :D


www.jokesbee.com

I'm going to go away now.

Grog...that was bad man :helpme :1orglaugh

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill" answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa...... "The hundred is from Grandma."

Heh Heh..they are getting better

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.

Her praying roused him from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling" he whispered. Hush my love,"she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."

As an owner of an ocular prosthetic device for more than 28 years...

I just LOVE a good one-eye joke...

Hey Ben I think I speak for everybody when I say we are going to need pics. :error

As soon as I figure out how to post one!

Funny stuff CD...gives me a lift!

Okay this one's pretty good....


Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!"

" Wooo, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he
arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the
pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went
flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed
in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the
floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room
and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just
dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down
on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the
wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull
himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and
he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking
right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the
downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the
kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big
pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and
burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on the ground,
covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull
himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and
pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't
mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my fucking house."

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

http://www.clariondeveloper.com/images/dead-eye.jpg

:winkwink:

It was, but certainly not the worst lol

:( That scared me

OK Ben, now I think I speak for all of us again when I say PUT IT BACK IN!!!! :1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

That's what my wife is always telling me... "Put it back in! Put it back IN!"

LOL that's a good one

I'm SO not going to say what I immediately thought. nopenopenopenopenope :NopeNope

Now THIS is drunk...

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out... "I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"



www.jokesbee.com

I admit..that one made me laugh :1orglaugh

hahah that was fucking good :)

ATTENTION:

We have been informed that the Arabs do not like to be called "towel heads" or "rag heads".

The item they wear on their heads is actually a small sheet.

So from now on please call them "little sheet heads."

Thank you.

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm,"
says the vet, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," said the vet.


hee hee :D


www.jokesbee.com

Six year old Debra was walking her dog when she passed the temple where she and her family attended services. As she approached her Rabbi came out the temple door and said, "Shalom Debra, I see the tooth fairy visited you again."

"Yes Rabbi, and she left me a dollar under my pillow." said the six year politely. She then said, " Rabbi have you met my dog Porky?"

The old Rabbi chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him Porky."

She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't."

He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so big and fat."

Debra shook her head. "No Rabbi, we call him that because he fucks pigs."

I have a couple East Indian friends that will like that one :1orglaugh

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment".

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella upagain, and shows him the ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrath that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?



www.jokesbee.com :D

ROFL, this one passed my standards...good one CD

HAHAHAHA! :1orglaugh

Ben now I get some of the jokes you said in SanDiego....lol
Like a one-eyed guy doesn't miss much...you got a good sence of humor

:Oh crap :Oh crap

some funny ass shit.

fucking funny shit.