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Dear Russian girl posers:

I?m not sure exactly how successful your little racket is, sending out carefully crafted emails in broken English to guys with personal ads at various sites. But let me give you some advice to improve your business model and marketing techniques, and maybe you can send me a commission percentage if my suggestions work out for you.

1) If you imitate bad grammar, remember the rule ?a little goes a long way?. Hacking up each sentence in an attempt to sound ?Russian? it can be quite obvious that you are doing it on purpose. You might as well phonetically spell out a fake accent. It also really helps to mispell a couple of words too. It raises the credibility. This doesn?t work so well: ?Hello. My name Svetlana. I looked profiles and have seen yours profile, I liked yours profile and I would think that to me very much would be desirable to get acquainted better.?

2) The story of being an orphan is a bit of stretch and it has been way overused. Maybe have a more detailed and interesting story of being the sexy daughter of a factory worker who drinks too much vodka. I like the story of your aunt getting you that job as a secretary in an office building and having a sweet black cat named Masha. Very sweet. And including the photo of the cat was a nice touch. Other overused phrases are ?I with impatience wait for your letter? and ?I will look to the future I want real love with you?.

3) Keep the email address of your potential victims/customers better organized. If you send one email message under the name ?Ludmilla? and then send the identical message again under the name ?Mariya? soon after, even the most desperate and vulnerable guys will most likely make the connection. It?s possible that some will just think you have a nickname, but there will be fewer of us.

4) I understand you probably have hundreds or even thousands of emails to send out, but if you included a reason why you think that we would be a good match and ?be in loving and construct a family? forever and ever, it would go a long way to making that personal connection that really helps loosen up the money you will ask to be wired via Western Union later on.

5) If you mention getting married immediately after telling us your fake Russian name and the bleak Siberian town you live in, that is a red flag to almost every American guy regardless of their level of desperation. Even the most crazy desperate of guys have a built-in electrochemical alarm in our brains that makes us think there must be something wrong with someone that wants to marry their bleary-eyed, pasty faced, out-of-shape, too-much-tv/video game/pizza, lonely ass. At least before they get to know us and have a chance to bond.

6) When a potential victim/customer sends an email back, it might be a good idea to actually read it. There might be important information in there. Such as ?I?ve inherited several million dollars, and I would like to have a Russian mistress to pamper and spoil as long as I can visit whenever I want.? Or, ?I really liked that photo of you in that red lingerie standing out in the snow, but I am gay. And, honey, red is not your color.?

7) After gaining the mark?s confidence and getting his poor desperate soul?s hopes up that he might have a chance at having sex with a semi-attractive girl, even if he has to wire money to Zabrosk for the medical treatment that you need but can?t afford, it is important to follow up with some kind of reward. Maybe a photo of you kissing another pretty girl would be nice.

I?m sure I can give many more pointers for your scam, er, business. . . I mean opportunity for love and happiness in America. But we will take it slow for now until we get a chance to know each other better.

:321GFY