Saying goodbye to a friend - struggling with grief
 

Two weeks ago tonight was the last time I spoke to my friend Tim.

He posted on his Facebook that Friday night:

He fucked around for a bit and joked about who would get what, and then went to bed. He never woke up. When his roommate checked on him Saturday morning he was already long gone.

He was 30, in decent shape and lived a completely straight edge lifestyle. No known illnesses. No idea what happened and may not know for "up to 8 months" according to the county.

It fucking blows. I've lost friends and immediate fam before, and I was hoping those experiences would make dealing with this easier, but it seems to only compound the situation. We talked pretty much daily, he was funny as fuck, and now there's this huge hole in my life. I keep waiting to get an update about some crazy chick looking like a bag of smashed assholes coming on to him at a gas station in pinellas park, and when I come across some crazy rediculous juggalo bullshit in my travels I have no one to text about it. No one to share the love of rap snacks with and no one to giggle with in the back of a show, going to see some shitty band that no one really wanted to see anyway but was just a great excuse to hang out.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...ycrash/tim.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4.../lilhomies.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...rash/high5.jpg

I'm doing alot better, not looking for sympathy, just felt like venting a bit and 'splaining why I haven't been around GFY as much recently. I'm not sad for myself, sad that the world lost an awesome person, a person better than myself. Its one of those things that reminds to to tell the people you love how much you love them and cherish the people in your life that matter. I'm pretty straight up with the people close to me, so I have no regrets where our friendship was concerned, but if there was a god I wish he would give me a do-over so I could figure out some way to fix this shit.

Never be afraid to tell someone you love them, never got to bed angry, and be forgiving to those you care about. Shit happens, tomorrow holds no guarantees.

Much Love.

I'm so sorry to hear Shelly. I feel your pain. My condolences goes to his family.

Sorry to hear of your loss Shelly.

Regards, Larry

All he had left was his dad. I really can't imagine what this must be like for him. :(

Thanks Larry.

yeah it must be really hard on him :(

sorry to hear Shelly :(

My wife took a look at what you wrote and even though she's not a medical expert (she's a psychology doctor) she said it looks like he had a CVA or a thrombosis

Sorry to hear that sux :( maybe hehad a cold, my friends brother died when we were kids of something just like you said he felt a little off then died in his sleep, all from a common cold that moved into his heart :( Dead at 15.

So young to die. :(

I genuinely feel your pain Shelly, and I am sorry for your loss...

I've lost so many loved ones this year, including my Father, that it hurts to even think about.

Do understand, and trust, that life goes on for the living, and those whom have passed are at peace, and shall remain loved and remembered in the hearts and memories of those whom they touched during their lives, so long as their loved ones shall live.

Much love and positive vibrations being channeled in your direction, and in the memory of your good friend, Tim.

ADG

I'm sorry for your loss Shelly.

I googled that, it's possible.

My hypothesis is he had a tooth pulled less than a month prior, even though he took antibiotics I think it is possible the infection could have spread and gotten into his brain or lungs. A girlfriend of a family member died from that when I was younger, and I remember she didn't really get sick beforehand.

He had some flu like symptoms before this happened, but nothing alarming. We went bowling about a week before and he didn't feel up to rolling, but generally he looked ok, just seemed a little tired. He was an auto mechanic and he never missed a day.

Whatever happened, it wasn't immediately apparent at autopsy, and the state is backed up on panels / tox screens / etc so it will be a long wait for any answers they might have.

I'm sorry to hear that ADG. Losing father figures is probably the hardest. I'm not very close with my mother, but my grandfather raised me. I lost him in 2003, and even though it was a fairly expected passing it's a loss I feel almost every day. My Pop was the one who was always proud of me. He never got to see me own my own home, meet my fiance, or see me launch a company. I keep pushing on in his memory but the truth is I've lost my only true sounding board and moral compass, I feel very lost w/o him. My heart goes out to you.

He did seem to have a touch of the flu or possibly a cold. Maybe this is what happened. Fucking crazy, I'm sorry for your friend. I think the scariest thing is when you lose someone in a way that is not preventable. You can't go to the ER for every cold, you know?

Thanks CYF. :thumbsup

My condolences..way too young.we don't realize how we could be snuffed in a heartbeat.when your numbers up...it's up,live for today while you can

I've largely overcome the worst of my grief, and I am focusing forward. In time you will too. That is one of the real tests of life - coping with grief.

As you indicated, if we can just learn to cherish every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute, every second, every breathe, we will eventually realize ourselves, and become a beacon and light for those around us, in this experience which we call life.

Namaste,

ADG

I've never lost a friend like that.

I have friend who has water on the brain and has sacred us a few times...

My best friend of 33 years died at the age of 39 4 weeks ago.. i am beyond devistated :-(

I am so sorry for your loss Shelly. It is never easy to lose someone that you love.

I am really sorry to hear that. I dread the day I lose my parents. :(

sorry shelly, I don't know you but you wrote well and it was touching

Am so sorry, RIP, I know exactly how you feel, and its not easy, although I hope it is some consolation to you, it does get easier as time passes, think of how much he thought of you and how he would not wish you to be hurting like this,

My thoughts are with you

My condolences Shelly on the loss of a good friend, he sounds like a great guy and I sure he will be missed by many. I hope your heart heals and you can keep him there with a smile

Thanks guys, it really means lot to me.

I think we talked about this once in the past. I have a friend who has that too. She has shunts permanently in her that drain down into her renal system. She went a good 5 or 6 years w/ them working perfectly but within the last year she had to go back in due to a complication with one of the tubes.

I guess if there is any convenience to it all for her, she's a butch bull dyke, so she doesn't have to go through the trauma of having her head shaved, she keeps it shaved anyway.

Very sorry to hear that Shelly. My condolences to his friends and family.

It's always hard to lose a close friend. I'm sorry for your loss and I send you a great big hug.

My cousin just died on the 1st, July 1st he broke his kneecap went got a brace. The next week he went to the family Dr as he had a tep of 104, the Dr gave him antibiotics. Two day's later he couldn't breath so he was rushed to the hospital they had no clue what was going on with him so they flew him to Cooper Hospital and put him in a coma. They then said he had ARDS 2 weeks later he was dead.


I drove all the way up to NJ for the week and boy it was so sad, he was only 26. I'm still so upset about it. His mom is a mess and there's nothing to be said or done.


:(

i am very sorry to hear, losing friends is a special hell

Sorry to hear that. Hang on.

I'm sorry t hear that. I looked up ARDS and that could be a possibility too, or something like it. ARDS is a complication of septic shock, which is what I think may have happened.

I try not to think too much because really I'll just drive myself crazy. I feel awful for his dad, 8 months is a long time to wait.

In a weird way it reminds me of when my uncle was murdered. Very different situation, but still has its similarities. It took probably a good month before the police were able to give us a fairly accurate scenario. In between the date of death and their final hypothesis they would bounce some pretty wild stuff off of us about things they thought may have happened. Pretty confusing and traumatic.

Not knowing is the worst. It makes closure very difficult to try to obtain. I know it's not very cost effective, but in a perfect world it would be nice if the had grief counsellors or liaisons that worked with families to deliver information in a more sensitive and caring manor.

sorry for your loss its a hard road. :( i live with this kind of pain daily like a ball and chain.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your good friend, these things are difficult to deal with....just remember the good times you had and that will help you through this tough time.....

Too young, sorry for your loss

No sympathies to all the people he left behind. Death is a terrible thing, something inevitable and something we spend our entire lives trying not to think about.

My beliefs (lets watch the haters roll in) is that God has embraced him in his all loving arms as a Shepard would flock.

He'll be in my prayers tonight.

Harsh Shelly@!!!!

I hate losing my peeps.

Weird though how he joked about it that night... :Oh crap

Sorry to hear about your friend, Shelly. That's so hard when people are young and it's so sudden like that. Not even a car crash to be angry about. :(

I don't feel bad for myself, but I do feel bad for his father and some of his other close friends who have never dealt with anything like this before. I don't have very theistic beliefs, so it's hard for me to see it that way, but I don't hate on you for it. I envy your faith.

Very sorry to hear of your and his family's loss. Losing a person like that...well it does fucking blow. I hope that they are able to give you all some explanation for the cause before 8 months - no one should be left that long wondering. :(

I feel for you hun and wish that us both somehow find a way to deal with it. I'm the worst when it come too death. It was horrible how I found out about my Michael, my b/f mom passed then my other g/f hubby passed and I knew there was going to be a 3rd but I thought my grandfather might have been next, he's only 95.:Oh crap I found out the Friday before he passed that he was sick. I'll never forget the pain in my heart as I yelled at my mom I was going to jump in the car and come up there as I wasn't going to come up there for a funeral she said no no he's doing better wait till Monday. I got up Monday and had a missed call from her at 8am I knew then my Michael was gone.


I remember when he got his permit to drive for weeks I had to ride around with him so he could drive, the vett was are little home form home. I still think of him as the 17 yearold kid who just drove and drove. I will miss him terribly for a long time.


I'm so sorry for your loss and hope his family can sometime soon feel better.

Very wise words. Sorry to hear about your loss. Try to hang onto the good memories the way your friend would have wanted you to.

At the risk of been labeled as an "obscurantist" (or "obscuran-tits") I'll just drop some reflections on death by one of my private favorites:

nice post, sounds like you were a good friend

Thanks *******. I try to be. :thumbsup

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I'm really sick of loss. Father, mother, all grandparents, friends. One brother who chose to leave and lose contact for decades, might as well have chosen to be treated as dead.

People say that time heals all wounds. I think what they mean is that you can wait forever for time to heal a wound, but bear in mind that time never ends.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. My only tip is to let yourself cry and freak out and do all the you are feeling you need to do. You said you aren't sad for yourself? You are *allowed* to be sad for yourself. It doesn't mean you aren't sad for him or his family too. It isn't selfish to be sad and to cry and feel your own pain at a loss. Trust me, it will find away out some way or another if you try to push it down. Let it happen now rather than let it happen years down the line when support systems have vanished.

Sorry to hear of your loss, Shelley.
The best way to cope is just keep the memories fresh and let the tears flow. Put on a cd of his favorite band and just let loose with everything...

Shelly, I am so sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with grief differently, do not be afraid to express your emotions. May you and Tim's family find comfort in each other during this difficult time.

RIP Tim

Dont Mourn his Death. Celebrate his life. Have a party and talk about it. That way he remains with you

Sorry about your friend. It does suck that we have to die.

Death isn't always a bad thing, maybe he truly has gone to a better place. I like to think so. Good luck though, I know it's hard I lost a friend to suicide and have seen death in front of me from a car wreck. Neither where even close to easy to deal with

We've done a few things to try and get closure / celebrate his life.

One of the things he used to do which I always thought was pretty bad ass was whenever he would get Long John Silvers he would share it with his cat. Also we shared a passion for IBC so we did kind of a celebratory / rememberance dinner of LJS and IBC, and I bought some just for our kitties (I picked all the breadding off).

We also set up a "Guardian Angel" account with a privately funded cat shelter in his name, so we pay a monthly fee to keep one of their special needs cats cared for and supplied with food and medicine.

I'll probably also get a tattoo, I don't really do names but I'll get a little something something for him as I've done for all my loved ones that have passed.

For me work is always the best therapy. Been doing some pretty intensive stuff for a new feature that hopefully we'll be rolling out here in the next few days. I'm greatful that work has always been there when I've needed it, that I work in a space that allows me to utlize so many parts of my brain, both analytical and creative, I know it may sound weird to some folks but seriously I really do love what I do, and when I need to, I really can let it envelop me because there really is always something else to work on or create.

...condolences