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oldie but a goodie...
Creation of a Pussy: Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a hahahaha. |
> > Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night in a hotel
> > room. > > > > Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie. The first thing > > Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?" > > > > Donald frowned and said "No." > > > > Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could not have > > sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. > > > > So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel > > clerk if they had condoms. > > > > "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from > > under the counter and gave it to Donald. > > > > The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your > > bill?" > > > > "No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think > > I am? |
Here is mine:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degree north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude. ""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." :Graucho |
the teacher asks rebecca to make a sentence with the word influenca in it.
Rebecca says I had the flue and mommy said it was influenca. The teacher says very good rebecca. Little johny is up the back of class fucking around so the teacher asks Johnny make a sentence with the word contagious in it. Johhny said dad and i went to the football and on the way home a box of oranges feel of the back of the truck and hit the road. Dad said it will take that c-u-n-t-ages to pick them up. little johnie saw his mum in the shower and was so currious he asked his dad "whats that big gap inbetwwen mums legs?" Dad replied thats where i hit her with the axe. Johnny replied good shot dad right in the c-u-n-t. |
"Two Adult Webmasters are out in the woods hunting when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: 'OK, now what?'"
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Officially the world's funniest joke:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do?? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what?" Funniest joke by country: Top joke in UK: A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ?That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!? The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ?The driver just insulted me!? The man says: ?You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.? Top joke in USA: A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ?Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.? The man then replies: ?Yeah, well we were married 35 years.? Top joke in Canada: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Top joke in Australia: This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ?Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?? The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ?Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....? Top joke in Belgium: Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. Top joke in Germany: A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ?That's not it? and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ?That's it.? |
Three mice were in a pub and all were quite pissed. They started to compete on who was the toughest. The first mice said "When I'm looking for exercise, I go find mousetraps so I can practice bench-press." The second one laughed and said "That's childs play! I like to eat rat poison just to get a bit dizzy." The third one finished his drink and said "I don't have time for this bullshit, I have to go home and fuck the cat".
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croif :thumbsup not bad, made me laugh
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O.k. a short one.
What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches! :angel |
Haha LOL short & funny... I like!
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here's my try:
A man was shooting a new scene for one of his new adult films. The sexy starlet was right in the middle of cumming because she was being fucked by three men at the same time. The photographer yells "CUT". Bewildered the young starlet grabs her robe and staggers over to the photographer to give him a piece of her mind and she notices he's facing the road that's a few hundred yards away and he has his hat in his hands and his head is bowed. Undaunted she marches forward and asks him what the Fuck is going on. He glances at her sideways and says "SHHHHH". She looks up to see a funeral procession going by and immediately has a change of heart for the photographer. She says, "That is so sweet I didn't know you had so much respect for human life". He in turn replies, "Well, It's the least I could do I was married to the Bitch for 25 years". |
I have to prop this one out to my Jewish friend.
Why do Jews have big noses? Because air is free. :winkwink: |
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:winkwink: |
This one is real old.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit next to each other in the woods. The bear asks.. "Hey rabbit you ever have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies.. "No, why?" So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. |
Here goes mine...
A brother and his sister are fucking in the bed. The brother: Hey, you fuck better than mommy! The sister: I know, daddy already told me. :Graucho |
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him. She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream. "Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said. "It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was as white as a ghost. His wife asked him, "What is it then?" He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on my shoulders." |
Don't even consider my previous joke, I got the best one:
Two gays are lying in the bed. Michael: Please, could you see if there's something with my asshole, it hurts. Brandon puts a finger in Michael's ass and takes it out. Brandon: Mmmm, I don't feel anything wrong. Michael: Go deeper, it really hurts! Brandon puts his whole hand in Michael's ass and start searching. Then he feels something and takes it out. Brandon: Wait, I got it. It's, it's a watch! It's a Rolex! And Michael starts to sing: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you Brandon! Happy birthday to yooooouuuu! :Graucho |
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from. |
harry goes to the eye doctor-the doctor says "you have to stop masturbating"harry says"why, will it make me go blind?"doctor says" no but your bothering the other patients in the waiting room!'
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That was good, but not as good as mine! :Graucho |
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Guy walks up to a women in a bar and says "Hey bitch, wanna fuck"
She sais, "How dare you talk to me that way" Guy sais "What u talkin bout" She sais "You know exactly what im talking about" Guy sais "Nigga you lunchin" She sais "Look, just buy me a drink" Guy sais "Nah i aint got no money" She sais "What you poor" Guy sais "nah i just dont got no money" She sais.. ok..enough im just babaling |
Here's another ;)
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions. On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. |
This man was walking home from work one day when he spots a sign in a pet store window that says, "Talking Monkey $50". Curious, he goes inside.
He asks the store owner, "Can your monkey really talk?" From behind him a voice says, "Hey, buddy, I talk." The man turns around to see a money in a cage. He says, "If I bought you, would you do me a favor?" The money replies, "You give bananas, I do favor." So the man buys the monkey and takes him home, buying a huge bunch of bananas from the roadside fruit stand on the way. When they get home, he hides the monkey in the garage and gives him one of the bananas and says, "I think my wife is cheating on me with another man, so tomorrow while I am at work, I want you to follow my wife around all day and come back here at 5:30... wait, you CAN tell time, can't you?" The monkey points to the little watch on his wrist and says, "I tell time." "Okay," the man continues. "Follow her around all day then come back here at 5:30 and tell me everything she did all day. If you do this, I'll give you the whole bunch of bananas." The monkey eyes the bananas hungrily and says, "Okay, I do. I do." The next afternoon, the man gets home from work around 5:30 and the money isn't back. 6:00, no monkey. 6:30, no monkey. Finally at 7:00 he hears a scratching at the door. He opens the door and there is the monkey. His little hat is missing, his watch face is broken, his clothes are torn and there is blood matted in his fur. "What happened???" the man gasps. "I follow wife. She get into car with man. They go to hotel. I climb up in tree so I can see," the monkey says. "So? What happenend?" the man asks, annoyed. The monkey answers, "Well, he play with she and she play with he. I play with me and fall out of tree!" Just a joke that cracked me up when my dad told it to me when I was a kid. :) |
What do you call a female-to-male sex change operation?
An addidictomy. |
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The indian takes a drink and says: "My people were many and now they are few" The ****** takes a drink and says: "My people were few and now they are many" The cowboy takes a drink and says: "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and ******s yet" |
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lily! |
What do you call gay dinosaur?
A megasoreass. What do you call lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapuss. :winkwink: |
Jenny is 6 years old. She lives next door to Timmu who is 8. Timmy always tries to show off his new toys to make Jenny angry.
One day he got new rollerblades and he says, "Look what I'VE got!" Jenny runs into the house in tears, yelling, "Mommy, Mommy! Timmy got new rollerblades! I want new rollerblades that are better than his!" So her mother takes her to the store and buys her new rollerblades, the best kind in the store. Later that day, Jenny rolls up to Timmy and says, "Look what I'VE got! Mine are better than yours!" The next day Timmy rode up to Jenny on his new bike. "Look what I'VE got!" he taunted her. Jenny runs into the house crying, shrieking, "Mommy, Mommy! Timmy got a new bike and I want one that's better than his!" So her mom takes her to the store and they get the prettiest, most expensive bike there. Jenny later rides up to Timmy proudly saying, "Look what I'VE got! And mine is better than yours!" The next day the two kids are playing in Jenny's back yard when Timmy pulls down his pants and shows her his penis. He gloats, "My dad says I've got something you will NEVER have!" and he points to his willy. Jenny runs into the house, hysterical because she knows she doesn't have one and can't get one. A few minutes later Jenny walks up to Timmy, a triumphant look on her face. Proudly the yanks down her panties. She taunts Timmy by saying, "MY MOMMY said that with THIS (pointing to her vagina)... I can get all of THOSE (pointing to Timmy's penis) I want!" |
Class had gotten finished early and the teacher had some free time. She asked the class if they had any questions about anything at all and of course little Bobby raised his hand. The teacher asked "Bobby what is your question". Bobby replied, "Well teach, I've been hearing a lot about a thing called a penis lately and I was just wondering what it was". The teacher blushed and informed Bobby that he should probably go home and ask his father.
That night, after dinner, Bobby tells his Dad about what happened in school and then asks his Dad "Whats a penis?". His Dad unzips his trousers, whips it out and tells him "Bobby, this is a penis and furthermore, this is a perfect penis". Bobby is like "cool". Walking to school the next day, Jimmy comes up and asks Bobby, "Hey, did you find out what a penis is?". Bobby says "Oh yeah" and proceeds to unzip his trousers, whip it out and then replys "Jimmy, this is a penis and furthermore, if it were two inches shorter, it would be a perfect penis" |
Then there was the gay indian that went up to the Chief and asked for a couple of bucks to eat on.....
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I have to apologize for this one in advance. I think it's a really mean joke and I'm NOT a racist in any way. But it does seem to crack people up. :)
Q: Why don't ******s have brains? A: Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste. (Again, sorry.) |
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!" |
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM." |
Carl walked into the bathroom where his boyfriend Johnny was stooped over the toilet, pushing floating turds around in the water with the handle of a toothbrush.
"What the fuck are you doing, Johnny?" asked Carl. Johnny looked up and replied: "playing with the kids!" |
Haha tootie, you got a few nice ones :thumbsup
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The pope was having a pull when a japanese tourist took his picture.
The pope was so embaressed he thought I must get the camera of this man. He offers the Jap 10,000 yen for the camera. As the pope is walking through the Vatican taking the film out of the back of the cameraa cardinal sees him. This cardinal knows all about cameras,he says nice camera your holliness what did you pay for that? The pope answers 10 000 yen. The carninal says he must have seen you coming. |
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