"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES"

"The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."
Will Cuppy

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
Woody Allen

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's".

"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Munroe.

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.
As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says
"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"
Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan
"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"
"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"
"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.
To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

"Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet."
St Augustine

"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
Honore de Balzac

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning.

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out.
The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass"
The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass."
Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
Groucho Marx

So there is still a chance for me getting that chopper

good jokes in here

good luck and help with a few bumps :thumbsup

lets finish this today

1oo more and the snipers are coming in steeling it

I am around for a while :)

me to, have some work to finish up today

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

one more bump for 1k! :)

"She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."
James Thurber

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.
"Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar.
"It figures," she says as she storms inside.
The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal.... and then ...I come in here ...and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips.

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
Winston Churchill

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."
In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."
Leaning over to his neighbour, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

"You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
Somerset Maugham

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?" With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?

A: "Honey, I'm home."

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
Mignon McLaughlin

A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
"Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
"Wow, that's really big."
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes sir, what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow, that's really big!"
"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.
"Well, not exactly." his friend replied, "she's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well, not exactly - I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."