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$100 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke
$100 worth of free content to the guy who tells the best joke
I need cheering up, at home sick, so there it is. $100 worth of free content to the guy who tickles my ribs the most by Monday lunch time. |
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. ... Oldie but goodie :winkwink: |
gimme the loot !
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A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor and said, "You're 45 years old and have never been married. I have alovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll introduce you."
"Don't bother," the bachelor said. "I have two sisters who look after all my needs." The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.: The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my sisters." |
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Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He was feeling a little split :1orglaugh :Graucho |
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. Much to her embarrassment, he shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" |
What's three feet long and fucks chickens?
An axe. |
what do you call a black priest?
holy shit... :1orglaugh |
What's the difference between dog shit and n-i-g-g-e-rs?
When dog shit gets old it turns White and quits stinking. |
so a guy walks into a bar and he's like ouch
so a baby seal walks into a club... |
why arent there any puerto ricans on star trek?
well hell they wont work in the future either |
This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done. |
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.'' |
Drinking the new low-carb beer is similar to making love in a canoe.
Both are fucking close to water. |
What is the similarity between a rattlesnake and a limp dick?
You don't fuck with either one. |
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, 'You must be single.' The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.' |
Why is PMS called PMS
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken :1orglaugh |
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" |
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink. |
I Love You.
Now that was a joke. |
Some good ones so far, but nothing great.
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A guy is driving down the interstate at 100MPH in the middle of the night.
He's swerving from lane to lane and can't seem to stay on the road. A state trooper pulls him over, walks up to the window and says "son, have you been drinking tonight?" The driver replies "No, why do you ask? Do I have a fat chick in the car with me?" |
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"The Farmer In Training"
Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly." The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???" |
Bump
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" |
:warning - trail marker placed -
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Oldie but goodie. :)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster". Gently he takes her hand and says, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ...........he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box." :) |
Two-term President of the United States of America , George W. Bush.
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There was this toad who hated being green. He wanted to be different from the other toads. One day while he was sitting by the pond he said" I wish i was yellow!" and *poof* there appeared his fairy godmother. She waved her majic wand and *poof* the toad looked at himself and the only part of him that had turned green was his dick.
"OMG, all my friends will laugh at me fairygodmother. What am i going to do?" she said " GO visit the wizard of Oz ...he will help you." so off went the toad to see the wizard of Oz. Down the road there was an elephant who wanted to be different. One day he said " I wish i was pink!" then *poof* the fairy godmother appear and she waved her majic wand *poof* the elephant look down at himself and the only part of him that had turned pink was his dick. He said "all my friends will laugh at me ...what am i going to do!?" she said " Go see the wizard of Oz and he'll help you." The elephant said" I don't know how to get there " to which the fairygodmother replied " FOLLOW THE YELLOW DICK TOAD" :Graucho |
who was the best jewish cook?
hitler:glugglug |
Ok, here ya go..
So this guy walks into a psychitrists office, totally butt naked but wrapped in saran wrap. He says, "Doc, what the fuck is wrong with me. I am losing it." Doc says, Well, I can clearly see your nuts! |
Different guy comes into the psychiatrists office, and says:
Doc, I keep having these terrible dreams! First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam.. then Im a teepee, then Im a wigwam.... What is wrong with me!!! Doc says, you need to relax son, yer two tents! Cmon, thats prime stuff! |
Q:Knock , Knock
A:Who There Q:STFU YOU TROLL SURFER BIACTCH ha ha ha |
A young couple on the verge of divorce visit a marriage counsellor.
The counsellor asks the wife what the problem is. She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counsellor turns to her husband and asks "Is this true?" The husband replies "No, not really. It's her that suffers not me." |
A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out,
he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his parrot eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the parrot. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The parrot pants: "Man, why didn't you tell me the chicken was frozen?." |
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry." :Buck: |
Nobody won?
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