This is just DAM Funny - GoFuckYourself.com

Burnie · 08-07-2003, 01:30 PM

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 ? Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick!
Judge # 2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
Judge # 3 ? (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 ? Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 ? Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

Judge # 1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 ? A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
Judge # 3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 ? Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 ? 1 felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ? just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 ? Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 ? Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 ? My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 ? This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

clubsexy · 08-07-2003, 01:32 PM

My A.D.D. kicked in right in the middle.... damn that's a long read

traffictrader · 08-07-2003, 01:37 PM

same, i got to about chili #4 when I realized it wouldn't be funny

foolio · 08-07-2003, 01:38 PM

Quote:

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

classic.

Greg N · 08-07-2003, 02:47 PM

OHHHH MAAAAN!

I am crying over here that was sooooo funny!

The wipe my ass with a snow cone line killed me.

Its a long read but its well worth it.

C_U_Next_Tuesday · 08-07-2003, 02:50 PM

I think only those that have actually been to a real texas chili cook off can relate... a friend sent me that last year and put himself in judge #3 spot... i laughed my ass off, cause this dude couldnt even handle looking at a jalapeno

08-07-2003, 01:30 PM	#1
Burnie Confirmed User Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Hurricane Florida Posts: 205	This is just DAM Funny NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1 ? Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 ? A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick! Judge # 2 ? Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild Judge # 3 ? (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 ? Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 ? Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 ? Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 ? Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 - Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili. Judge # 1 ? Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 ? A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3 ? Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer. Chili # 4 ? Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 ? Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 ? Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge #3 ? 1 felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ? just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 ? Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 ? Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 ? Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 ? My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 ? Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 ? Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 ? The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 ? My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 - Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 ? A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 ? Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 ? You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 - Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili Judge # 1 ? The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 ? This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

08-07-2003, 01:32 PM	#2
clubsexy Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Anaheim, CA Posts: 1,630	My A.D.D. kicked in right in the middle.... damn that's a long read __________________ SIG TOO BIG! Maximum 120x60 button and no more than 3 text lines of DEFAULT SIZE and COLOR. Unless your sig is for a GFY top banner sponsor, then you may use a 624x80 instead of a 120x60.

08-07-2003, 02:47 PM	#5
Greg N Confirmed User Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Cyn City Posts: 564	OHHHH MAAAAN! I am crying over here that was sooooo funny! The wipe my ass with a snow cone line killed me. Its a long read but its well worth it. __________________ <a href="http://www.adrevservice.com/re.php?a=1010909&ver=1252&camp=206">Advertising Revenue Service</a><br><img src="http://stats.adultrevenueservice.com/forums/images/smiles/dancing_gir.gif">

08-07-2003, 01:37 PM	#3
traffictrader Confirmed User Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: ICQ# 93507395 Posts: 1,331	same, i got to about chili #4 when I realized it wouldn't be funny __________________

08-07-2003, 02:50 PM	#6
C_U_Next_Tuesday WW4L Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: over the river and through the woods Posts: 10,581	I think only those that have actually been to a real texas chili cook off can relate... a friend sent me that last year and put himself in judge #3 spot... i laughed my ass off, cause this dude couldnt even handle looking at a jalapeno