Chelsea Romero

No the FRENCH STINK!! EUROPEANS invented perfume so THEY STINK not women in general!! Makeup... OK some can do without and some just.. well......

groark

My Joke:
A horse enters a bar and the barkeeper says: Hey, why the long face.

Chelsea Romero

There are three blondes stuck on an island, and they found a magic lantern.

So the first blonde rubs it, and says: "I want to be intelligent so I can find a way off this island." and instantly she turns into a red head and jumps in the water and swims across to the mainland.

Then the second blonde rubs the lantern, and says: "I want to be very intelligent so I can find a way off this island." and instantly she turns into a Gladiator brunette, so she builds a raft out of drift wood and sails over to the mainland.

So the last blonde rubs the lantern, and says: "I want to be very, very, very intelligent so I can get off this island." Instantly she turns into a man, and walks across the bridge.

Paul Markham

Some of you guys have very warped sense of humour.

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SinisterStudios

What do you call a roman with hair between his teeth?





A gladiator (glad he ate her)

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Paul Markham

Now this one is funny.

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Paul Markham

An old guy decides to get drunk in the bar... afterwards he goes to the end of the bar goes up to a young man and says "i screwed your mom"... the young man nods and says ok...

the older man goes once again to the other end to the bar and gets drunk worse. he goes back down to the other end of the bar and says once again says "your mom moaned when i fucked her" the young man once again replys ok

then the older man turns around and heads back to the other and of the bar but just as he does he gets an idea. he turns back around, and marches over to the young man saying "your mom liked it!" just then when the young man finally had enough interuptions he politely said "go home dad, you're drunk....!"

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Paul Markham

This joke will not win.

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Drake

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

RedShoe

Did you hear? O.D.B changed his name to D.O.A.

LOL. Pay ME!

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gideongallery

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other?s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said, ?I have a problem?It?s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.? Heidi replied, ?Okay,? to which he asked, ?Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil??

Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, ?Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?? Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, ?Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.? Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, ?Do you mind if I call you Phil?? Heidi had now become very dejected, and said ?No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.?

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted ?Phil, you won?t believe who I have been sleeping with!?

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“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While he?s doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.

?I?m sorry for staring,? says the guy, ?but you?re huge.?

?That?s because I?m a leprechaun,? says the short man. ?All leprechauns are well-endowed.?

?I?d do anything to have a penis that size,? sighs the guy.

?It just so happens that I can grant wishes,? says the leprechaun. ?If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I?ll give you a bigger penis.?

The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they?re going at it, the man cries out, ?I can?t believe I?m letting a leprechaun screw me!?

?I can?t believe that you believe in leprechauns!?

__________________

“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn?t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, ?Just what the hell is your secret??

Bubba replied, ?Well, coach, whenever I?m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ?em forever!?

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, ?Is that you, Bubba??

__________________

“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

It?s the spring of 1959, and Bobby arrives at his date?s house to take her to a dance. When he knocks on the door, her dad answers.

?Have a seat,? the old man says. ?Peggy Sue will be ready in a minute.? The dad grabs Bobby a cold beer, and the two sit down together. ?You know,? the dad says, ?my daughter really loves to screw. She just loves to work up a sweat.? He smiles proudly and winks at Bobby, who has nearly choked on his beer. ?Yup, yup,? the dad continues. ?She loves that screwing. Just can?t get enough of it.?

When Peggy Sue comes down the stairs, Bobby hurries her out the door to his car. Five minutes later, she comes running back inside. ?Damn it, Daddy!? she screams. ?The twist! It?s called the twist!?

__________________

“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

King Arthur was in Merlin?s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.
?This is no good, Merlin!? the king exclaimed, ?Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m?lady, the Queen??

?Ah, sire, just observe,? said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

?Merlin, you are a genius!? said the grateful monarch. ?Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.?

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal ?short arm? inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

?Sir Galahad,? exclaimed King Arthur. ?My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!?

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless

__________________

“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

Three couples?one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed?apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We?re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

__________________

“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

A blonde and a brunette both board an elevator and push the buttons for their respective floors. On the next floor, the door opens and a businessman wearing a black suit boards the elevator. It?s evident that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen on the shoulder of his suit.
Two floors later the man gets off, and the two women remain. When the door closes the brunette says, ?Someone should give that guy some Head & Shoulders.?

The blonde then responds, ?How do you give shoulders??

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“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

Loadie

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three, nine or 12, and asks which the young man wants. ?Well,? he said, ?I?ve been seeing this girl for a while and she?s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight?s ?the night.? We?re having dinner with her parents, and then we?re going out. And I?ve got a feeling I?m gonna get lucky after that. Once she?s had me, she?ll want me all the time, so you?d better give me the 12 pack.? The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, ?You never told me that you were such a religious person.?

He leans over to her and says, ?You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.?

gideongallery

A blonde who?s having financial troubles decides to kidnap a child for ransom. She writes on a piece of paper: ?I?ve kidnapped your son. Leave $10,000 behind the oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. The Blonde.? She walks over to the park, grabs a little boy, pins the note to his jacket, and tells him to run home.

The next morning, the blonde goes back to the park, where she sees the boy standing behind the oak tree.

?I?m supposed to give you this,? he says, handing her a brown bag. As she counts the money, she notices a new note pinned to his jacket: ?For the record, I can?t believe that one blonde would do this to another.?

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“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

Tired of relentlessly being called dumb, a blonde decided to color her hair.

After leaving the salon a brunette, she jumped into her convertible and went for a drive through the countryside.

While driving, she saw a shepard with a flock of sheep. She pulled over and bet the shepard that she could guess how many sheep he had in his flock. If she guessed correct, she could keep one. Knowing there was no way she could guess, the shepard agreed.

?Two hundred eighty-seven,? the blonde guessed.

?I?ll be damned! That?s exactly how many sheep I have in my flock,? replied the shepard. ?A bet?s a bet, so pick out your sheep.?

After much deliberation, the blonde found the most energetic and happy sheep, picked him up and put him in her car.

Just then, the shepard said, ?Now wait a minute. You got your bet, now it?s my turn. If I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back??

__________________

“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

gideongallery

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, ?When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I?ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.?

The brunette arrives at the man?s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ?I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I?ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.?

The telegraph operator explains that he?ll be glad to help her, then adds, ?It?s just 99 cents a word.?

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she?ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, ?I want you to send her the word, ?comfortable.??

The telegraph operator shakes his head. ?How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ?comfortable???

The brunette explains, ?My sister?s blonde. She?ll read it very slow.?

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“When crimes occur through the mail, you don’t shut the post office down,” Steve Wozniak

Chelsea Romero

So, I want to know who won!! Its Monday 5PM!! Way past lunch time.. P.S Is posting 5 jokes a better shot at wining cause if so I would have blown this thread up.. I just thought A joke was more appropiate

Paul Markham

The winner.

Chelsea contact me on ICQ or email me paul_eva at paul markham dot com for your content.

Sorry about the delay, I had some very bad news Monday and it took my mind of things.

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RedShoe

Mine was better. I demand to win.

(sorry, I learned that from the president)

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PissFunny

Q: Why is it so hard for women to piss in the morning?
A: Ever try to pull apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q:What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A:Line dancing at the nursing home.

Q:What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A:A quater-pounder with cheese.

Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.

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PissFunny

A guy starts his new job at the funeral home and on his first day they bring in a young, attractive, dead female to be prepared for burial.
The head mortician asks the new guy to prep the body and he leaves the room to take care of other business. The new guy starts to prepare the body and after working for a while he runs out of the room to get the head mortician. "Come quick", he says, "you've got to see this. That dead woman has a shrimp stuck in her pussy."
The head mortician drops everything and runs into the room to look. "You idiot!", he says. "That's not a shrimp, that's her clitoris!"
"Oh", Says the new guy, "well it tasted like shrimp!"

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PissFunny

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.........
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and 1 girl..........
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do..............
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing...................
She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself...............
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course...................
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing..............
So...............
They buried her.

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PissFunny

How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny?
You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse.

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PersianKitty

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, for the last time, I said.

...

......

.........

.............

..................."BRING POSSE!"

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PissFunny

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.
The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".

The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

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PissFunny

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"

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